Broken
by AndieEmenem
Summary: Nova is someone who has always had bad odds. But she has never pitied herself. After a particularly bad odds, she is thrown in the games. Will she survive intact? (Finnick fic, very slow burn, will eventually get connected to the movies.)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So I am starting this Finnick fic. It is kinda slowburn but hopefully worth the wait. I started writing this on a bender, but have now written some new chapters and rewritten the entire thing. Hope you enjoy.

Also I only own OC and original story, universe and all the other is susannes.

Also also: All is written in Nova's P.O.V. So unless I say otherwise. It is still in her POV.

* * *

I had never felt sorry for myself. I was an orphan, but I did not feel sorry for myself. My mother had died during childbirth. My father got sick off radiation and died when I was only 6 years old.

I was broken down for a while there, but I learned to cope.

After my father died I was sent to a ragged orphanage and went to school with those kids. I felt sorry for them, they had it though. But I barely talked, I could not bring myself to it. I remember showing up there all snot and tears on my face. I had heard that it was a nice home, and the lady from the capitol who brought me there, raved about how happy I should be about going. That was far from reality, once that lady left my sight I was no longer embraced by an employee, but rather pushed aside and told to shut up.

I had snuck out one night when I met part of who I consider my family today.

They barely fed us at that orphanage, and I had always been quick on my feet. I snuck into town to steal from a shop in there. I did that for a few days in a row, without being caught and the girls at the orphanage were grateful for it.

The fourth day someone had narked on me, because when I came back to the orphanage the door and windows were locked. I was forced to go the only place a child with no family and money could go. The bad part of town, there were an area with a few fires and some addicts and other homeless people. I was by far the youngest there. Out there it was very much jungle law, I had a small blanket that was covered in dirt but it got me through the night. I stole essentials from the other bums and survived. It was hard, there were wild animals, and the other bums could easily kill me if they figured I took up too much space or supplies.

I was on the streets for about a month before one day, I was especially hungry, I decided to sneak into the bakery for some food.

I quickly grabbed a bun and was luckily not seen. I walked a few steps away before someone I caught my arm. I was scared shitless that I was caught. The peacekeepers as I later learned, did not give a shit whether I was an orphan or starving, they would whip me no matter age or situation. He held tightly on my arm and smirked down at me.

"Well well well Charlie, look what we have here." Dodger as I later learned he was called said, Charlie, a bit bigger brute turned to look at me. He bowed down a little and smirked as well.

"What have you got there Dodge?" He said menacing, it sounded like that to my scared 6 year old self.

"A little thief, thats what I found Charlie." He said, I felt like I was about to cry, two boys who were bigger and much scarier than I was had just caught me. I was sure I was about to die.

"That can't be right Dodger, everyone knows this is our corner." He said and I looked at them horrified.

"Please sir, I am so sorry, I will give it back. Just please don't hurt me. I had no idea this was your corner. Please sir." I pleaded and they chuckled and Dogder shoved me forward.

"Sorry pipsqueak, but that is not what we do with bread-thieves on our corner. Come on." He said and kept shoving me.

They walked behind me imitating me calling them sir and stuff. I had no idea why that was funny to them. I was raised to address people well, up until there that is.

I thought I was toast for sure as these two guys dragged me through town. Well the slump that was the bad part of town. At first I thought they were bringing me to the peacekeepers. Maybe they were just looking for an ally to kill me in themselves. I was told to crawl through a broken window, in the house that looked worst of them all. It was made of wood, and almost looked like it was tilting. I was shoved up to a door, where Charlie cleaned some dirt off my cheek with the words:

"You gotta look nice for the boss, pipsqueak." I cringed but let it happen.

When they pushed open the creaking door, I imagined what horrors I would face in there. It was instead 5-6 other children, some young some older, some even older than Charlie and Dodger. They went silent during their supper, as they all sat around a table in the middle of the room. This room made up almost the entire house. With a kitchen to the side, beds on all other corners and a little door leading to the bathroom. It was small, decorated in loads of small cloths, but ultimately pretty cosy. A fireplace at the end of the room keeping it nice and warm in there.

I was used to stares and annoyed looks from the other kids, these just starring at me a few of the older boys nodded at me once with a smile and then went back to supper.

I was pushed into the kitchen where a man in his mid 50s stood cooking. Charlie cleared his throat and he turned around. He first smiled at the boys, then me. I looked up at him scared. He was probably gonna punish because of the bread thing. Which I had not realised I was clinging to like a teddybear.

"What is this you bring me boys?" He said, his voice was warm and smooth, but his almost rotting teeth and long hair made him look intimidating.

"We caught her stealing some bread on our corner." Dodger said and he looked down at me, I was expecting a smack but he just nicked and lifted his finger at the boys and not me.

"You boys really should learn to share." He said. He then looked from the boys and down at me.

I was used to smacks from the adults and being yelled at for merely existing. He did something I had not expected from an adult. He got down to my level and smiled kindly at me.

"What is your name pipsqueak?" He asked and I was confused by this. But I cleared my dry throat slightly and answered.

"Nova." His smile got wider.

"Why did you steal the bread Nova?" he asked, he sounded so kind, so I had no idea what to do. Why was he not madder at me? I would later in life learn what happened when Loke got angry.

If you stepped out of line he would smack us or make us sleep on the street for a night. Just so we knew what we were losing if we ever tried anything.

"I was hungry, and so were the others in the orphanage. I know stealing is wrong. I am so sorry sir." I answered innocently, as I was back then. They all laughed at my statement, but it died down as soon as he stopped laughing. This of course confused me, stealing was wrong in my young mind.

"Don't worry Nova, I am not mad. I am actually very impressed with you. You were very brave stealing food for your friends." He said kindly. I released a breath now that I knew I was not in trouble anymore. From this I gained a bit more courage.

"What is your name then mr.?" I asked and he chuckled.

"No need to call me mr. sweetie. The name is Loke."

From there on he asked if I wanted some dinner, to which I of course accepted.

I sat down with the boys who all introduced themselves to me. We were laughing and talking around the table. I felt like I was part of something here, and I did not want it to end.

At the orphanage we sat in complete silence and ate our food. Not that the others liked me very much, there was only a few girls who would actually talk to me. This was a total different atmosphere. I was sat next to the eldest Bill whom I liked very much. He was a big brute who I could imagine looked scary to anyone else. But he was sweet and encouraged me to speak when he could see me shying away.

They offered me I could stay the night, if I could stand Charlie's snoring. I slept right next to Bill, since he had treated me the nicest.

The next day they offered me to stay and hang out, and so I stayed. Until I broke into the orphanage and moved to the shack that would become my home.

They ended up becoming the family I never had. Normally Loke did not like girls in his crew, but because I was a natural I was more than welcome. Once I was friends with most of them, Charlie and Dodger took me out on the street and taught me how to pickpocket and other stuff.

I still run with those two the most, them being my best friends. Dodger a bit arrogant, but very funny, and Charlie nice as the day is long.

Once I was old enough to be drafted Bill, taught me how to throw knives. He taught all of us every year, when we had time, because you would never know.

I had my most precious memories of my life with them.


	2. Chapter 2

9 years had past and I was running from a peacekeeper across town, laughing with Charlie and Dodger. We might have been caught with our hands in his pocket. But we knew all the alleys to cut through to lose his trail. We walked back home laughing, there was a certain thrill to getting away with stealing, but an even bigger one when you escaped almost getting caught. We had not even taken that much, just a few bucks and a watch.

He was one of the extra peacekeepers they sent during the reaping.

We were not stupid enough to steal from our normal peacekeepers. It was actually a great time for thieves during the games. When we had to watch them, people did not pay attention to things disappearing from their pockets or purses. There were extra peacekeepers and sometimes even people from the capitol, which meant even bigger loots. There were few we did not steal from, no orphans or people we knew could not afford to feed themselves. Everyone else were fair bets. So who says thieves have no morals?

We walked inside where Loke was making breakfast he smiled at us as he ushered us to the table. A few of the others were already up. Bill and a few of the other boys would bust some wealthier houses while the rest of us were at the reaping.

Loke served us breakfast perusal and we dug in. But after putting down our bowls he stuck out his hand, his fingers were long, wrinkled and boney. I had always wondered if it was because he was such a thief he had developed them.

I knew what we were doing were not legal, but I figured: we don't take things we know mean a lot to people, and what does it matter, when the government literally has a death television show every year?

I handed over the cash and he padded my head and left us to eat our breakfast.

We got a little in return for our troubles. He sold scarves and the other peculiar things we brought home. He sold it downstairs, and only the locals knew. He would be dead if the peacekeepers ever found out this place existed.

He ushered us to get ready I went to the bathroom to get out of my normal black jeans and leather jacket to a dress dark blue dress. I had dragged Charlie and Dodger along to actually buy this dress.

I mean we took some other clothes which we did not pay for. But I actually properly owned this dress.

It was the only other clothes I had, besides a pair of shorts for the summer. I was used to not having anything, but I still had it better than a lot of people. We were all pretty well fed and at least I did not have to sleep in an overcrowded orphanage or the street.

I put my mess of a hair in a ponytail, to try and contain it. I had green eyes and super unruly red curls. And while they tried their best, not one of us street kids knew much about hair care. Loké would cut it when it got too tangled or else let it sit. I also noticed I was a little dirty. But I had already had this weeks shower, so it would have to do. I yet again put on my black fingerless gloves, most of us wore a pair similar it made you a lot stealthier.

What were the odds of me getting picked anyway? I knew loads of kids who had their name in a lot of times. One girl I knew had her name in 30 times. I had like 7-8, not because I traded for rations, but on the off chance I got caught they would just put my name in a few extra time as punishment. I walked out and some of the boys looked at me confused. I looked down feeling like I looked ridiculous.

"What? Is there something wrong with it?" I asked and a few of them laughed.

"I am just surprised. Why didn't you tell us that you were a girl?" Dogder said I smiled and joined Bill, Charlie and him by the door. Though the comment did earn him a little smack in the shoulder.

"Come back to me children." Loké said to us.

I knew it was foolish to think that he actually cared for us. We were just street kids, who did his bidding, but he did treat us like family. We were all replaceable, but I had to believe he cared for us a little, he had practically raised us.

I was fidgeting a little, a bad habit I had when I was nervous. Bill noticed when we were at the door. He hugged the boys goodbye then me.

"I will see you later Pipsqueak all right? I will see all of you." He said pulling away from my hug. He pointed at us like he was trying to make us swear on something. Everyone knew it was no point in that, we all had at least one slip with our name on it. There was always a chance of you getting picked.

I really hoped that this was not the last time I saw Bill, he was like the older brother I never had.

Dodger as always walked around smirking, he walked a little funny because his legs were a little crooked from birth. But he had turned it around, so he just looked even more smug when he practically waltzed around. I started fidgeting again and Charlie took my hand and held it to make me stop. I smiled up at him thankful.

"How are you gonna get through this next year huh Nova? I can't wait to go househunting with Bill instead of this shit" Dodger said and I chuckled.

"I think I can handle it, I only have 3 years left. And despite what you think, I can survive periods without your dashing company." I said and he chuckled. He turned around and pinched my cheek.

"Liar, you would miss us too much!" He said letting go of my cheek and I rolled my eyes at him, but smiled.

"I mean look at you, having to hold Charlies hand to get here." He said and I shook my head Charlie just hit him playfully as we walked to the nicer part of town.

Most of the normal people knew we were street kids, some also knew us as Loke's "kids". Those who knew that usually glared at us, and in turn so did the children. Pickpocketing does not make you friends with everyone that is for sure.

We signed in and I hugged the boys goodbye when we had to separate. I held it a little longer with Charlie he whispered while we hugged.

"Don't get picked okay?" He said worry in his voice, I guess it being his last year he was extra worried I sighed and nodded.

"You too." I said.

We pulled apart and he kissed the top of my head before letting me go to the girls section, while my two best friends stood with the oldest boys. I talked to a few of the girls I knew from the orphanage. I was also bumped into a few times by girls whom I had probably stolen from.

It went dead silent, when our escort Tiffy clapped on the stage. I turned to see the weirdly orange skinned woman, she was terribly overdressed for this and did not fit in anywhere. I saw the major sitting there with Beetee and Wires our two mentors.

She put on the video we had all seen since we were 12 I did not pay attention, but instead focused on silently laughing and making funny faces back to the boys. As the video came to a close the mood turned a bit more sour. This was their last year, they both probably had their name in 10 times. It was a big risk and I would really like to not see either of them die. It would probably kill me. I was not ready to lose my family again.

I was too busy worrying about Charlie and Dodger, I had not noticed Tiffy moving on. I was ripped from my thoughts when I heard:

"Nova Eliose Hyde."


	3. Chapter 3

My heart seemed to stop, I immediately looked over at Charlie and Dodger, gone were all traces of happiness on their faces. I looked around, a few of those I had taken from over the years looked pleased. Everything seemed to move in slowmotion, I took a few steps forward still in shock. How could they look pleased with this, I was being sent to an arena to kill or be killed. Then again I probably deserved it, at least in their eyes, and I was spearing their children from being killed.

I was grabbed by some peacekeepers who grabbed me so I would walk faster to the stage. I looked very concerned at my two best friends.

This was not supposed to happen. I had promised Bill to meet him later, now I would never see him again. I would probably never see any of them again.

I was still in shock and did not feel the need to conceal it as I was dragged on stage and stood to the right looking out at everyone. My eyes never straying far from Charlie or Dodger.

The male tribute was Erwin Kosmo, I had never seen or heard of him in my life, but a boy who was probably 13 and very scrawny looking came up and stood beside me on stage. He looked actually frightened. I thanked my lucky stars for Bill teaching me how to throw knives.

Tiffy knocked on the microphone again and cleared her throat.

"Now do we have any volunteers? This is your last chance." Said sounding like it was some offer they were missing.

No one moved as expected, district 3 was not really known for their volunteers. And I would be crazy if I expected anyone to volunteer for me. I was the only girl in the crew, and no other girl would sacrifice their life for me. And what good would it do if one of the boys volunteered, then we would either both die, or only one of us would get out alive.

There was completely silence for a few moments, I would expect nothing else. After a few seconds of defening silence Tiffy smiled again and turned to us.

She made me and Erwin shake hands, we did so, and I smiled a little trying to comfort him.

We were then escorted into the courthouse, I saw a few peacekeepers smirk at me. They probably thought I deserved this because I stole. I was let into a room and told to wait. It was a nice study with loads of books, I looked over the titles to see if any of them would be useful to steal, I had no luck.

The door opened and in ran Charlie, was engulfed into the biggest bearhug I had ever been in.

"Damn it Nova, damn it" He cursed as he held me tightly.

I buried my face in his neck which was very comforting. His words disturbed me, he never called me Nova, he called me Eloise to annoy me, or else I was pipsqueak or Hyde. I looked at the door after a few moments in the hug and pulled back a little.

"Where is Dodger?" I asked and he chuckled a little not really letting me go yet.

"He ran to get the others." He said and I smiled and hugged Charlie again.

We pulled apart again a few moments later when the door opened again. Dodger was the first to grab me and hug me again. He was quiet which was something I never thought I would ever experience from Dodger.

I hugged a few of the other boys, even Loke came, he looked at me sadly.

"I am sorry to see you go Hyde, you are one of the finest thief I ever had." Loke said, which earned him a few scoffs from the others. He glared at them to shut them up, then turned back and smiled kindly at me.

Like I said I knew I was replaceable to him, but I could not imagine him having raised me and not even caring a little bit about me.

There was one face I did not see there.

"Where is Bill?" I asked concerned that they had gotten caught so I could not say goodbye to him.

"Relax Hyde, Danny is getting him." Loke said.

We small talked for a little until a peacekeeper told them it was time to go. I sighed and had a group hug with some of the boys.

I had a special one with Loke he smiled and told me he would miss me, but was gonna root for me.

Lastly I hugged Dodger with tears in my eyes. I had to say goodbye to my best friends and the only family I had left.

I kissed his cheek before moving on the Charlie, I tried to hold on to the feeling and smell of him. He felt and smelled like home to me. The peacekeeper had to practically rip us apart and he yelled at me to try and win, to come back to them. Then the door slammed once more and I was alone once again.

I had no idea how much time had passed when the door opened again. I figured it was a peacekeeper telling me it was time to go, but thankfully it was Bill.

He looked at me worried and pulled me in for a bearhug. He had taken care of me since Charlie and Dodger had dragged me home that one night. Always helping or comforting me, he was like an older brother to most of us, but I knew he had a special place in his heart for me.

He sighed and pulled back from the hug, taking me face in his big hands to look at me. He looked visible upset.

"You can win, I know you can. Remember what I taught you about throwing knives. You are clever and sneaky. Please come home to us again Pipsqueak." He said pleading that last part I nodded and looked at him.

"I will try Bill, I will try." I said also trying to convince myself that this was real. He pulled me in for another hug.

"Just come back to me okay?" He said quietly.

He pulled back and kissed the top of my head, he smiled at me kindly.

"I brought you something too pipsqueak. I was saving it for your birthday, but now seems as good a time as any." He said smiling. He pulled out a small golden (but not made of actual gold) neckless with a daisy pendant.

"I found your moms neckless." He said and I smiled at let him put it on me.

"Thank you Bill. For everything. I am gonna miss you so much." I said hugging him again.

He pulled back, looking at me one last time before having to turn around and go out the door again.

The neckless was my mothers. I had had it when I first joined the crew. A few of the older boys teased me and ended up losing it. I thought we had looked everywhere for it, but Bill had apparently found it here 7 years after.

I was dragged out by a peacekeeper and onto a train. It was filled with luxury. Here I could see Tiffy actually fit in a little. Erwin had not said anything since we got into the same room. We were showed our rooms and the common room. Beetee and Wiress were already waiting for us there. We sat in some comfortable chairs. I looked around curiously. It was very quiet even with Tiffy's yapping about the design of the room. I was used to living with 9 other boys/men, this was too quiet for my taste.

Beetee finally shut her up by clearing his throat. He caught my attention as well, he might have useful information, being our mentor and all.

"Would you like to be mentored alone or together?" He said looking from me to Erwin, I looked at the scrawny little boy. He looked very nervous up at me and apparently based his answer on that.

"Alone." He said very quietly. I had not expected that, maybe he knew who I was and did not want to work with me. Or I just looked intimidating or something. He probably saw me raise an eyebrow at that, but that only earned me a glare.

"I don't work with thieves." He almost spat. He was a little feisty I will give him that. But he was too small to be of any use to be any way. I just snared at him in response which made him jump a little.

"Alright then. Any mentor you prefer or want to share us?" He asked.

I had seen Beetee a few times in town, he seemed very agreeable. It was also well known for anyone who payed a little attention, that Wiress was a little nuts.

"I will take Wiress" Erwin said trying to sound very confident, but his choice was perfect for me. I smiled and nodded in agreement looking at Beetee.

"Why don't we go in another room, so we can start talking strategy then Beetee?" I asked and he looked at me with a very small smile creeping onto his or else deadpan face.

Tiffy perked up about coming to get us when dinner was ready. I just smiled and nodded politely.

* * *

We walked in silence to the end of the train which was a large window, where you could see the landscape move past us.

We sat down at the sofa and I nodded at him gesturing he could start his mentoring.

"So, Nova, how do you plan on surviving?" He asked I looked at him a bit confused.

"I was hoping you would help me with that." I said and he smirked back at me.

"Alright, what can you do? Erwin said something about you being a thief." He looked at me knowingly, I smirked and nodded.

"I prefer the term pickpocket but yes. I am very good at that, I have stole a lot over the years, so I am stealthy. My older brother Bill also taught us to throw knives." I said he nodded at me.

"We can work with that. Any other weapons you can use?" He asked and I shrugged not really knowing.

He smirked and dragged me to the in train training center. There we in about an hour or so, went through all of the weapons, so he could see how skilled I was with all of them.

I was useless with a sword, pretty good with the throwing knives as I had said. Again useless with both a spear, trident and an axe. I could use a bow pretty okay, but we decided to stick with the knives seeing as I was mostly skilled with that. But I would have knives as my A weapon, and bow as B.

Once we were done training a little we walked back to the back of the train and he looked at me like he was trying to read a book.

"So, how do you plan to survive? Have you seen any other games and have an idea of what to do? Just so I know how much I actually need to teach you." He asked. I thought about everything I knew about surviving and what I had seen in the past games. After a few minutes I looked back at him, he watched me think patiently which I appreciated.

"Well I have never seen too much of the game, but I know not to get involved in the bloodbath in the beginning. I also know sponsors are important. But I do have some knowledge on survival, first you need water, and be able to get food somehow. I usually got that by stealing, but that is easier in a city that isn't filled with kids trying to kill you." I said and he smiled at my comment and nodded.

"You are right, most people die of exposure, when we get to the training center, forget training with weapons, we can do that in your off time. There it is all about survival, you need like you said water first, shelter I recommend hiding very well and somewhere that is hard to access. Am I correct when I say that you are the only female thief around the inner district?" He said looking at me curiously. I was confused by this question but I nodded, girls usually ended up doing different services, I was only allowed because of natural talent. And I imagine because Bill or Charlie or both persuaded Loke to.

"Then that should not be a problem, I have seen you and those two boys a few times in town, you are very skilled climbers and good at jumping from buildings." He said with a small look I might even think he looked a little impressed.

I smirked and nodded, Tobias an old Loke kid, who sadly got caught and killed, trained all of us to climb and jump buildings. We needed it to run away across town. Your chances of getting caught while running on a roof and jumping to another was cut in at least half. Since I was good at climbing I would be able to do it in a forrest environment as well. This only gave me a small advantage, I was still only okay with a weapon.

We spent the rest of the afternoon, with Beetee telling me how to hunt, giving me a book on plants to identify. How to find shelter and water and so on. I tried to absorb all the knowledge I could.

I also liked the sarcastic comment he would throw in every now and then. Reminded me of Dodger. When dinner was ready, I was positive Loke made a lot of food for us. I had never seen as much as this train had. We sat at the dinner table and I asked Wiress a few questions about basic survival, to which Erwin once told me to stick with my own mentor. This earned him a smack at the back of the head. A scolding from Tiffy about hitting my other tribute. It was just a small smack, you learn to defend yourself when you live with 9 guys for 9 years.

"By the way Nova, I simply adore that neckless of yours, you must tell me where you got it" Tiffy fussed touching the daisy on my neckless I shrugged and just kept poking some food.

"I am glad you like it. But it was my mothers, so I don't know where to get it. And just call me Hyde, I am not used to anyone using my first name." I said a little snarkier than intended, but she did not comment, however she every now and then corrected herself and called my Hyde. It was a weird thing, it started at the orphanage since there was another girl there named Nova, and she had been there the longest. Somehow it kind of stuck with me, now I was used to only being called that when adressed by officials and when being scolded.

Erwin went to bed early, but I stayed up with Beetee, Wiress and much to my dismay Tiffy.

We watched the reaping, I was interested in knowing who I was up against.

I politely ignored the careers, I did not want to be a part of that crowd. Beetee looked at my face and agreed not to go near them unless they approached me. It could be a good tactic to be with the careers, but it also painted a huge target on your back once everyone else was dead. And they were way more skilled in hand to hand combat than me.

There were a few tributes I thought might be a little useful. But ultimately I did not really want to cooperate with any of them. At least not until I met them in training.

* * *

I eventually went to bed. I was woken up and told to get dressed once we got to the capitol. I thanked the gods that I was from a "family" of thieves. One of those boys had snuck on board and hid my normal clothes in the closet. I wanted to kiss who ever had done that. I changed into my normal tight black jeans, with loads of pockets in them. My normal black ripped t-shirt, leather jacket and fingerless gloves. It smelled and felt like home, and for a moment there I did not feel like I was about to die in a reality tv show.

I did however have to hear Tiffy talk all morning about how I could not wear this, and how I needed color. She was practically furious when she noticed the small holes here and there from years on the streets.

We got off the train and I smiled and waved at everyone who was cheering me on. I was a little uncomfortable but kept smiling till we were in the training center.

We barely got too see our floor, before we were rushed into a room. I was told to put on a hospital like gown and lay on a table. I was scared they were gonna operate a chip into me or something.

I almost wished that was what happened. I was waxed all over, shaved and they raved about how beautiful my eyes and hair were. But I was seriously scolded when they saw how my hair had not been properly cut in 15 years. They just looked at me weirdly when I answered that I never really had it cut. I received and even weirder look when I explained that I lived with 10 men, and we did not really care about our haircuts. They looked at me like I was from an other planet. From then on I kept my comments to a minimum. It was weird how these people had no ideas of the harsh realities the rest of us lived through.

They cut and plucked and a lot of other stuff until they were satisfied. I was about to punch them a few times while they put on make up. Which was basically being poked in the eye for like an hour then scolded when my eyes watered. I figured I would be wearing something dumb and silvery thing I would look like the parade from my district always did. I understood that technology was a weird theme to capture, but at this point it was just stupid. At least I was not getting dressed up like a tree like they always did with district 11.

I was pleasantly surprised when they finally let me see myself. I had blue and greens on my eyes an almost white like silver on my cheekbones. My lips were nude. I looked a little intimidating actually.

They had put my hair up, but could not hide my unruly red curls. They had put some sort of metal ban around it though.

I was dressed in a dark silver dress with wires wrapped around everywhere. A few on my arms and leg as well. The wires were green, blue and the occasional yellow.

My stylist Cinna was a pleasant man, who I actually liked. He cut through the bullshit and said things straight. He was also one of the few people who had not congratulated me on my game, like it was an honor dying for the capitol. I complimented him on the costume since it was not shining silver like all other years. He gave me a remote and told me to push it half way through. I had no idea what that did but nodded and took it. I was even happier when my he showed me a set of fingerless gloves. He said he had seen mine at the reaping and like them, made me look edgy and like a worker, apparently. I was just glad, I was much more comfortable when I was wearing gloves. I knew it was logical when stealing, they gave me a sense of security, that may be why I felt a little better wearing them.

* * *

I walked to chariot and nodded to Erwin who was also there. Beetee came to me and told me to look at the crowd and smirk not smile at them. We had agreed on this strategy and I trusted him, well I kinda had to trust him with my life. He left me with Erwin who was still not talking to me, but just sent me the occasional glare. Maybe I had taken something important from his family, I did not know and I did not care. I did not regret my actions. The wagon behind us there was a girl who looked sweet but very uncomfortable in her costume she looked a little like she was about to cry. And she was around my age as well. I could not resist the temptation and walked over to her.

"Don't like your costume?" I said sweetly, she looked up and smiled a little at me and shook her head.

"I would not mind it, if my boobs were not about to pop out any minute. Yours look good though, 3?" She said quietly. She was a little shy, but I kind of liked her, at least my first impression of her. I nodded as an answer.

"I understand. If you are too scared about them popping out, I bet one of these people have some tape. You could just tape it on. That way it can't fall off. Even if it does, at least it will show some tape and not you know." I suggested and her face immediately lit up, she hugged me, which I found a little weird, but I let it happen. She stormed off over the moon, thanking me, and that she had not thought of that. I could hear her mutter as she walked towards her stylist, how they had not thought of that.

An older tribute I imagine from district four as well walked over to me when the girl had run off. I looked at him, blue eyes, curls, tan skin and looked too arrogant for his own good. That would get him killed. I could not remember seeing his reaping though. I probably zoned out a little during it, him being a career and all.

"Are you trying to scare my tribute away from the parade?" He asked and I raised an eyebrow at him slightly confused, his tribute? He was way too young to be a mentor, wasn't he?

"Not at all, I just helped her fix her costume. You are welcome for that by the way." I said smirking, this made him grin.

"Thank you for that. Want a sugar cube?" He asked holdning a white cube out to me I looked at it suspiciously.

"If you wanna poison me, wait for the arena pal." I said about to leave, but this only made him chuckle.

"I already won dear. I'm Finnick O'dair." He said smirking I shrugged, we usually did not see that much of the games. I had much more important things to do than watch these stupid death games.

"Whatever, I still don't wanna get poisoned." I said and he chuckled popping the sugar cube in his mouth.

I rolled my eyes at him and turned around to my own chairot. I could feel his eyes still on me. But honestly I did not care. I would if I got out of this alive. Right now it was about making an impression and getting sponsor, so that I could survive this thing.

We got on the chariot and the parade started, Cinna nodded to me as we started driving. I nodded back and smiled at him.

I quickly turned it into a smirk as we rode through the gates and into a light stadium, with thousands of people cheering us on.

I looked around and wave at them keeping a smirk on my face. Once we were a little before halfway, I pressed the remote Cinna had given me. That caused lots of sparks in both mine and Erwins costume. It probably looked beautiful. With multicoloured sparks flying off of us. We got to the center and they stopped only giving out a little smoke now. We listened to the President telling us that the odds should be ever in our favour, then rode back again. Beetee grinned at me as I got off the chariot and was greeted by him and Cinna. Cinna congratulated me on my great timing on the clicking. We rode the elevator up to our floor. It was beautifully decorated and so big I could fit my home 10 times. We ate dinner and Tiffy raved about how fabulous our costumes were, and how we had made quite the impression with those sparks. I was glad, maybe for once our district would be remembered. We were usually not that impressive in-between all the career districts.


	4. Chapter 4

As training rolled around Beetee and I trained my weapons skills on our own. When I was with the other tributes I focused solely on survival skills. How to make a fire, how to hunt, identifying plants ect. I was getting quite good at most of it. So good I actually felt like I had a chance of surviving. None of the other tributes payed much attention to me. Except for the girl from four she would wave and smile at me every now and then. She came over the last day of training and smiled at me.

"Thank you so much for that tip with the tape. I am sorry I haven't talked to you before, but my mentor told me to get in with the other careers. I'm Charlie." She said sticking out her hand to me. I took it and shook it. I had a habit of meeting Charlies hadn't I?

"Nice to meet you, I'm Nova, but most people call me Hyde." I said and she smiled at me.

"For that tip you gave me, want me to teach you how to fish?" She asked kindly and I nodded.

We spent the next hour with her teaching me everything I needed to know about fishing, even how to cook them and such. She also gave me a lot of sea-plant life tips. It was helpful if there was some lakes in the arena. I knew it was very good to know. After that hour, I almost felt like having her as an alley. However I knew she was in with the careers and I did not want to join their crowd.

We went to a few of the other stations together and kept working together while talking.

"This just makes me miss home. We live right out to the sea I love it there. I sometimes go out and sit there and sing old folk songs. My dad calls me his little siren. I wish you could see it." She said and I sighed and nodded melancholically.

"I wish I could see it too. I have never seen the sea. I don't think you want to visit where I live. I live with 8 boys, who are practically my brothers. And this old man Loke, he takes care of us. We all live in one big room. It is not much, it is actually pretty cramped up. But it is home." I said and she smiled at me.

"It sounds lovely. I promise to go visit if I win." She said smiling with a small pause. I was happy she liked my home. I knew it was nothing compared to a real family, but it was all I had.

"But then you have to promise to sing at the sea if you win." She said smirking slightly now. I laughed a little and nodded.

"If by some miracle I do win. I promise to become a proper siren." I said and she chuckled.

When training was over and we were guided into a waiting room before individual assessment I stopped Charlie.

"Hey, I don't really want to work with the other careers. But if you get tired of working with them, then I would love to work together." I said trying to sound as casual about it as possible. She nodded and hugged me before going to sit with her partner from four.

I had also talked to the boy from 8 the other day. He seemed nice and he liked how sneaky I was. I figured we could work together as well in there. Or at least he probably would not kill me right away.

But I really wanted Charlie as an alley. She had told me about herself and about district 4. She was a career sure, but she had not volunteered. She seemed just as doomed to this as the rest of us. She even told me, that the only reason she was trained was for self defense, not to actually use it. She was such a lovely person, I had smiled all the time I spent with her. She had this energy about her that could not be missed. It was almost enchanting.

She told me about her family, she had a real family and the way she described them it almost made me jealous. Sure we had it good with Loke, but it was a crime family, it was definitely not perfect as hers. We did also trust each other, but it was much harder when you could snitch on everybody else. So there was love, but there was definitely also some distrust.

When I was called in for assessment I had no idea what to do. I was told I had 5 minutes to show a given skill. I tried throwing knives, but was a little off which earned me snickers from the game makers. I showed them how fast and skilled I was at climbing, having learned how to scale buildings to run from peacekeepers back home.

Still did not catch their attention, they seemed way more focused on the refreshments in their area. I figured I would do something else. I walked beside where they were standing looking like I was going back to the weapons, but instead snuck onto the podium and stole a few of their wallets and the head game makers watch. I cleared my throat trying to get their attention, but nothing happened.

I got a little annoyed and heard myself loudly say:

"Hey"

They all turned to me confused, I then proceeded to throw back their wallets to them. A few them snickered, a few of them laughed and a few of them looked at me confused. I bowed and left the room with a smirk on my face. I had given them back their wallets so they could not really be that mad at me, right?

As I got to my floor and told the others what I had shown them, it earned me yet another scolding from Tiffy a snicker and a glare from Erwin and a small laugh from both Beetee and Wiress. I was a little scared they did not like it though. I was a great pickpocket, but how would that help me in a game where we had to kill each other?

When they were releasing the scores I was fidgeting again. This time not having Charlie there to take my hand and make me stop.

The careers almost all got 10s. No surprise there, Erwin got a 5 which they applauded saying they could work with that. Then Ceasar said my name, accompanied with an 8. I breathed out in relief. They all cheered saying how 8 was a great score and they could totally work with that. Beetee also smirked at me. I had gone right according to plan. I had a score that was good enough to give me sponsors, but still low enough to not paint a target on my back.

I watched Charlie get a 9 and smiled on her behalf.

I could barely sleep that night, I was worried about tomorrows interview. I had to play pity but still fierce and likeable. Which was not easy to pull off.

I also knew there was only two nights till I was gonna be thrown into the mouth of the lion.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up early that day. Not because I needed to, but out of pure habit. I got up and put on some work out clothes. I went down to the gym there, and started training throwing knives while using my normal agility I also threw my secret weapon, trying to get adjusted to the different weight. Once I had been there two hours and was drenched in sweat, I walked up and took a show. In my shower were different soaps with steps on how to wash my hair. I halfhasseredly followed the instructions, not really feeling like being scolded on my hair again.

Once finished I ate lunch the others were finally up. No one had noted my absence, Beetee knew where to find me.

I was then dragged off to hair and make up, which took what felt like hours. Finally I was shoved into a laced black dress. I actually liked this dress a lot. And I was comfortable in it, it reminded me of my normal clothes. He even put a short leather jacket on me and smirked at my wide smile when he held up a pair of gloves. They were fancier than my normal onces, not fingerless and had small stones on them, these were also leather. I was glad, but I knew Cinna had not added them because he liked gloves, but because I needed them for this interview. I looked myself over pretty and fierce at the same time. It was perfect. I hugged Cinna when I was done, I was so happy that with the way he had dressed me. He had actually managed to capture a bit of who I was in it. I was also thankful when we were standing around waiting to be interview, that I was in combat boots and not heels like some of these tributes. I looked like a mix of myself and the capitol, my face was glittering and stuff. But I was thankful for the look nonetheless. He also let me keep my mothers neckless on.

After the boy from two Felix was off, Ceasar called me up on the stage. He looked astonish as he saw what I was wearing. He took my hand and I made sure to hold it a little while smirking knowingly. I spotted Cinna in the crowd and he nodded at me as Ceasar very happily sat me down.

"Nova, first off I need to say, you look just marvellous tonight as well, no doubt thanks to an amazing stylist. Were you scared at the parade when your dress threw those sparks?" He asked and I just smirked and shrugged.

"Not really, I trusted my stylist not to burn me. Or at least stand ready with a fire extinguisher if anything did happen." I said and he laughed along with the audience and I smirked. I was glad that they enjoyed us before they sent us to the slaughter house. I quickly pushed that thought out of my head, I could not look bitter right now.

"Now you're from district 3, and an orphan correct?" He said and I was a little confused by this line of questioning, but I figured I could get some pity points on this.

"Yes, I lost my parents very young, and had to survive all by myself on the streets in 3." I said he put his hand on his chest telling me how hard that must have been. The audience seemed to buy into it and awed.

"A little birdie told me you picked up a very unique skill while growing up is that correct?" He said and I smirked and shrugged.

"You tell me Ceasar." I said confidently, I held a brief pause for the audience and him to get confused before revealing his watch in my hand.

"Is this the watch you were just wearing?" I asked smirking and he laughed and nodded confirming that this was his watch, the crowd cheered weirdly astonished with my thievery. Which was honestly a little funny, I could not help but chuckle a little at that as I handed him back his watch.

"Now we don't need to worry about you stealing anything else right Nova?" He asked and I gave him and then the crowd a knowing look.

"Don't worry, the only thing I plan to steal is the hearts of the capitol. Not literally though. And if the odds are in favour, maybe that victors crown." I said and this earned me a huge laugh and applause from the audience.

"I think you already have my darling. Nova from district 3." He yelled the last thing lifting me up to stand beside him.

They cheered a lot and seemed to love me. I smirked and walked off stage. I was met by a slow clap and a smirk from Finnick on the way to the elevator.

"Good job darling." He complimented and I shrugged smirked.

"Never had someone cheer me for stealing before." I said honestly and he laughed at that, letting me go on that note.

Once on my floor Beetee congratulated me, telling me I could be proud. The capitol apparently loved me. I was different, I had their pity but was still fun. That meant I could probably get some sponsors. That might also mean that the game-makers would not kill me off right away.

I just hoped that my story of poor orphan kid turned thief was enough to get me out of that hell alive.

We sat around talking for a while before it was decided we needed to go to bed. Walking to my room I looked at Beetee and stopped him.

"Hey, if I die in there, will you just make sure to give this to Bill. Go to the slumps and the crooked house, ask around for him, Dodger or Charlie. They will lead you to him." I said pointing at me neckless. He nodded and promised to do so.

I went to my room and feel into a dreamless sleep. Thankfully I was so exhausted from training and everything else tonight that I could fall asleep easily.

* * *

I had a tracker put into my arm on the helicopter out to the arena. I went over my A, B, and C plan in my head again and again. I hoped that everything worked out in my favour today. I just needed one of these scenarios to work then I was golden.

Once we landed we were lead into a metal building and I got changed into some arena fitted clothes. Cinna smiled when I got out of the changing room. He put a jacket on me and I smiled back at him. I had to leave the neckless with him since it could contain some kind of weapon. I was happy to see my own slightly dirty gloves. That would make it easier if I had to steal something from the others.

"From the clothes I figure forrest or concrete environment. It has been a while since it was ruins, could also be that." He said offering whatever information he could according to my clothes.

He hugged my goodbye, and told me he would see me again soon. He honestly thought I could win this thing, and I hoped to god that he was right. I got into the chamber as it counted down. Once it reached zero it closed around me and I was dragged up I stood on a platform, knowing I should not step off until the number at the cornucopia was at zero. I thought everyone knew that, but someone was dumb enough to do it, there was a loud bang from somewhere and a canon sounded.

I looked around at the tributes and our arena. There was the cornucopia that had everything I needed, I spotted a bow and some throwing knives. That is what I needed for this plan to work. There was concrete streets and buildings, that looked like they were about to collapse. A little way from this city like place there was a forrest that reached around as far as I could see.

The clock was on 20 seconds now. I laid out a route in my head and got ready to execute it. I hoped plan A would work, or I would be pretty dead in a minute. Once that number hit zero I was off my plate. I ran as fast as I had every run to the cornucopia I ran away from the chaos that ensued around me. I knew this would happen. A tribute tackled me and I was thrown to the ground. I thought fast and kicked him off, luckily not too heavy for me. I got up as someone threw a knife at his shoulder. I grabbed it from his shoulder and stabbed him in the chest with it. I had no time to think about it, it was pure reflex. He sank down into the grass and I horrified heard a canon. I wanted to avoid anymore and to hand combat. I ran and grabbed backpack on the way. I threw it on as I ran trying to avoid any flying weapons. I was scared shitless when a spear flew past me and hit another tribute in the stomach. I ran to the nearest building, wanting off of the ground, I climbed it with ease and ran on top of the buildings in stead of on the ground with my fellow tributes. They had a harder time getting to me this way. I ran to the forrest and bumped into the girl I recognised from ten. She looked at me scared but without a word, we both turned and ran a different way. We did not want to kill the other. Once I was far enough I could not see or hear other tribute near. I knew I needed to find food and water.

I hiked for the rest of the day not finding any water. I ended up not eating either I only found poisonous berries, and there were no animals around. I did pick up a few steady branches and put them on my back for later.

When it started getting dark I climbed a tree, and once on a steady branch settled there. I had cut myself while grabbing the knife I now had. I ripped the bottom of my shirt off and wrapped it around it, hopefully it would not get infected.

When the national anthem started playing I knew I was time to review who had died today. I looked up seeing the boy I had killed, he was from district 5. I did not even know his name. I was sad he had to die, but knew this was part of the game. That is what I told myself because I had actually killed a person today. It was gonna haunt me for the rest of my days, that he had to die for me to live.

I saw the guy who had been speared in stead of me. I had counted we were down to 16 tributes. Which was good for the first day, but also meaning I would probably not have much time to be alone before the game makers dragged me into some conflict.

I sighed and looked through my backpack, it had a canteen, matches, and a protein-bar. I thanked my lucky stars as I ate it satisfying my hunger a little. I relaxed against the branch and took out one of the branches from the backpack. I also grabbed my knife and began chopping at it. Once it was as sharp as I needed I did the same to another one. I hoped the capitol people would be impressed with me right now. This was the secret me and Beetee had worked on. In order to avoid the bloodbath I should get water, hopefully somehow get a knife. In stead of throwing that knife once essentially losing my only weapon. We had trained me to be skilled with wooden stakes. They were heavier and needed precision to make. But this way I could make my own weapons and make sure I did not lose my only proper one. When I had made three my hands and body was sore. I leaned my head against the branch and closed my eyes to try and sleep a little.


	6. Chapter 6

I spent the next day hiking as well. A different direction this time. Annoyingly I ran into the girl from yesterday again. This time she jumped and attacked me with a knife, she actually hit my shoulder but I did not think that the cut was too bad. I refused to die at her hand, when I had spared her yesterday. I was not gonna die today. So when my adrenalin kicked in I bit her leg making her jump a little. This released me enough to punch out and turn this around. I pinned her down and she smirked at me taunting. This annoyed me a little, she spat in my face smirking.

"You don't have the guts, Thief." She spat at me, she looked like she had gone mad. This was definitely not the same person that I had seen the day before. Maybe she was quick to dehydrate or it was just the games in general. It happened almost every year.

But I needed to survive and I knew if I speared her she would kill me. However I did want to try so I slid off her giving her a chance to get out of this alive. I did however get a stake ready just in case. I walked away a little when I heard her maniacal laughter.

"Now I am gonna kill you thief." She said and I instantly turned using the momentum to gain some strength before throwing a stake at her. It hit her pretty perfectly in the stomach.

"I am sorry. But I don't wanna die today." I said truly sad, I did not want to kill her, but as she fell to the ground I could see her smiling.

I had just killed someone. This was the second person I had stabbed to death. I had taken her life with my hands. The look she had would haunt me forever. I hiked even more, still not finding any water or food.

I sighed knowing what I had to do. I climbed a tree and looked around I climbed a little higher to get a good view of the whole arena, thinking maybe I could see water somewhere. I slumped back down on a thick branch when I could not find any. But I had a good sense of where I was now.

I looked up on the night sky when the national anthem play. Once I saw her face, the girl from 11. That was who I had killed today. Once I saw it my mind played it on replay. What scared me most was that I loved the thrill of stealing. I kind of liked killing as well. I was so scared of that feeling and tried to suppress it. Four people had died that day. I was sad to see that Erwin was dead today. He was not much, but he was from home.

I woke up the next day feeling weaker than ever. I hiked back towards the city having figured out, the only food and water supply had to be there. I walked slowly and got a little dizzy having to stop every now and then. I got about half way before climbing the nearest tree and collapsing there.

I was woken from my daze with a ding sound seeing a parachute with a little container attached to it.

It took my what felt like hours to climb up and get it in my weak state. I hoped this was food or water. I had no idea how to fight for it tomorrow in this state.

I weakly opened the container, which contained a small clear liquid inside. I opened it unsure of what it was, I smelled it and it was water. I took it to my lips, not nearly satisfying my thirst, but it was something and it perked me up real quickly. I said thank you into the air and leaned against the tree trunk.

I then took out the note from the container, it simply said:

Drink up, and stay alive.

I smiled and closed my eyes getting a few hours of sleep.

I hiked the next day as well, in much better shape than the day before. However I knew this would not last long. I needed water and food. I snuck to the edge of town/forrest and looked to the cornucopia. There was nothing left. Most likely moved to one of the houses. I looked at the town but could not see anyone standing guard, I knew I needed to get closer.

I moved fast into the buildings, hiding behind walls. Once I was around the middle I swung myself up an old fire escape and landed gently there only making a small sound. I crouched down hiding behind the small bars. I knew it was not perfect cover but I needed to know where I was breaking into, and what kind of security they had.

I looked around spotting a building that was mostly upright, in the door, but hidden by the doorframe. A big brute from 2 stood guard. I stayed in my position for a little while. I wanted to observe if there was anyone else here I wanted to know so. I was glad about two hours later when the other careers and Charlie walked out of the door. They talked a little to loudly for my taste about hunting down some more tributes today. They left the big brute from 2 to stand guard and Charlie to keep him company.

Charlie stood more inside the door than two did. I sat down looking around, waiting till I knew the rest of the careers were gone. I also wanted to know if someone else were gonna attempt to steal from them.

Sadly I saw a kid trying to sneak past them only to be choked to death by Two. It was horrifying to watch and was sure to scare others off. I waited a bit more, wanting to be smart about my break in. And also not feeling like dying. I wanted it to be a bit darker, but not dark enough that the other careers would be back.

I slowly jumped to the other building and climbed on its roof so the roof hid me while I was there, as long as I crouched down.

I jumped to the treeline before sneaking through the bushed and to the others side of the houses. Not wanting to run across that big road like thing they had build in the middle. It was a clever way to draw tributes out in the open. Also they had been clever this year to have the only supplies being here.

Another canon sounded making me know the careers had probably killed another tribute, meaning they would be back soon. I wanted to be gone by then. I again climbed the building and walked on the back of the roof silently. Once on their building I looked around for any entry besides the door. There was a small window roof window in the back. I was positive I could fit through it. But while I climbed through, onto the small ledge and down, it would leave me exposed for a moment there. I figured I had to give it a shot if I wanted to live. I slowly heisted myself down and as quietly as possible I climbed through the small window and onto the ledge. I turned to see if I had been discovered, I had luckily not. I hang for a moment before dropping quietly to the ground. I was quick to grab a container I could feel being filled with water. I grabbed some salted meat and an apple. I hid it on me before turning to leave.

I moved back towards the exit and was about to jump up again when my knife fell to the floor. I reacted quickly knowing I was caught. I jumped down while grabbing a wooden stake I threw it with all my might at the brute from two hitting him right in the chest as he was turned towards me, about to throw his spear at me. He was dumb enough to pull the stake out he lifted the spear again but began choking on his own blood. Charlie screamed I looked from him collapsing to her. Our eyes met and I smiled slowly at her. I raised my finger and put it to my lips. I grabbed another pack of food before jumping up on the ledge, I squeezed out of the window I came in through and climbed up on the roof with ease before jump away into the woods.

I found a branch and was happy with myself. I ate and drank some of the water, not all of it. So far it had been so good. As night fell I could hear the careers come back and ask Charlie about the boy from two. She told them someone had shot him, but he had managed to spear them as well. The accepted that explanation and apparently went to bed. I watched the nights sky 3 tributes had died today. That meant we were only 9 left. I did not want to get my hopes up. But that meant I could actually go home. I had a chance of surviving this. What I wondered right now was whether or not I deserved to. I had stolen all my life. Once I was a victor I could not go to Loke's anymore. Too much attention on me. I could not steal, and I would not need to I would have more than enough money.

I had honestly no idea what to do then. I had killed people, how was I ever gonna live with myself after that? Sure all of them was out of self defence, but still.

I sighed and slowly decided that I was gonna help Charlie win. I tried to remember who we had left based on what I knew and devised a plan. I knew the careers were looking for me. I knew they needed to find the boy from 6 and 11 and the girl from 12 was left. Then both from one, both from four and the girl from two, then the girl from 7, and myself. I knew the careers would hunt the rest of us. Leaving one behind to guard the goods. I also knew they had to be close, because they could not survive of the land. Or they had been luckier than I was before changing plans. I would let the careers hunt the other 3. Once it was time to come after me, I could have coordinated with Charlie, she could help me take them on. I should not be too hard, unless they were caught on. Then she was in danger. While I was devising my plan I made sure to walk further away from the careers and carve some more stakes. I was up to 6 now, which I hoped would get me out alive. But I also prayed a little that I would not have to use them.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I am not creative enough to write a song, so song credit goes to whoever wrote Shireens song in game of thrones, which is what I used here.

* * *

I slept for a little while, but spent most of the night devising a plan.

At sunrise the careers got up as well. Today they took Charlie with them, leaving the girl from 2 to guard, saying she was better equipped than she was. I snuck in through the roof again doing my best not to alert her.

I heisted myself down once again, I bent off the ledge and grabbed a few small things. I made sure not to take more than they would notice was gone. I had my food and water, as I sat on the ledge about to leave the girl from two apparently wanted a snack, she turned around and immediately spotted me. I grabbed my stakes, but before I could fire there was a knife in my hip. I groaned in pain. She ran towards me I left the knife in she grabbed my hair being bigger than me, she pulled me down and threw me to the ground. I again groaned in pain when I landed it was pretty far. She got on to of me and started choking me out. I struggled but eventually was able to grab a stake. I slammed it against her with all the force my adrenalin could muster, I coughed a few times she was about to get up again and attack me. If I fell down again I do not think I would be as lucky as before. Luckily I was quicker than her, I rolled on the ground and grabbed a stake, it landed in her right thigh and she collapsed as I lied there for a moment to recover. She groaned in pain. I got up and looked at her, I walked past her when I felt her grab my leg.

I was confused, but I kicked the sword she was hold away from her. I figured she would hold me long enough to stab me. But without a weapon she still did not let go. She yanked as if to tell me something. I lowered myself down and she whispered:

You don't deserve to win.

I got out of that house as quickly as possible. I was sad, not only had I killed people, but I did not deserve to be alive to these people. I had to live with guilt and now also the fact that I did not deserve to live with guilt.

I had not stayed to see if she would survive. The worst part I had no idea if I rooted for her to. That would mean I or someone else would have to kill her, for them or me to live. I hated this feeling, but I also knew I needed to focus, I could deal with all my demons if I survived.

I hurried to a tree and sat on a branch, it was a much bigger struggle than yesterday. I leaned against the branch and prepared myself. I slowly pulled out the knife and tried my best not to make any noise while doing it. I then took some of my precious water and used it to clean the wound. I sat back in pain almost passed out from just that. I woke up a little later with the sound of a parachute. I was confused as to why people even wanted to sponsor me. But I still thanked Beetee and whatever god I could think off. I once again really struggled to climb the small distance to the container. The note said: I thought I told you to stay alive.

I smiled and could almost hear the sarcasm in his voice, now that I had gotten hurt. I opened the container and found two bandages, while it was mostly healed it was nice to wrap up my shoulder with something other that my now dirty shirt. I put the longer one on the wound on my hip and wrapped it around myself. It was so nice, I knew the capitol probably had an ornament that could heal it in a couple of hours. But I knew how expensive things were in the games. I did not want to imagine what that was gonna cost. I much appreciated the bandage. Made sure to say a quiet thank you to them. I knew there were cameras everywhere filming this.

Once night time came, I watched the career house carefully. They were upset when to see the wounded girl from two. The guy from four was made to stand guard for the night. I smirked knowing this would be my chance to plan something for her. I wanted her to win, she was so innocent and much more deserving than me.

The night sky lit up once again. I tried not to think about the girl from two. The girl from 12 had been killed. That meant we were only 8 tributes left. I knew the game makers had a big finale planned to lure us all together. I knew it would come once we were 6 or less left. I just had to survive until then, and then I would have to fight it out with the careers. And either die from some injury by one of them or kill myself so Charlie could go home. I revised a plan in my head once it was done I stayed up for a few hours to make sure the careers were asleep, before finding a new tree to sleep in, this one was too much covered in my blood for me to stay in it. Someone might notice. It required some effort, but I found a nice tree not too far from the city and slept there.

* * *

I spent the next few days not really doing anything different. I stayed put for most of the day making sure my stakes were sharp. Stole a few supplies from the careers, I was not seen by the guard these times. I saw the girl from 7 try but fail to get any supplies and ran from the career into the woods. She was right by me when I saw the career turn back and go back to guarding the food.

I noticed her stopping at the foot of my tree panting. I did not view her as a threat, and I honestly did not want to kill her if she looked up and discovered me. She was a little younger than me, about 13-14. She looked horrible, and I would hate to have to do anything to her. I even got a little angry that, not only did I have to live through this, but she did too. She had survived so far which was impressive. But I felt sad that she would have to go through this. Angry at the cruel world that made sure that she did. I decided to stick it to the man while I still could. I was gonna die for Charlie anyway. Might as well make a little bit of what was left of my life count for something.

I went into my backpack and carefully took out a full water bottle, a packet of meat and a packet of nuts. I carefully dropped them to the ground in front of her one by one.

She looked up at me thankful but very confused. Even a little scared. Maybe she thought I did this to trap her. Or I was just so sadistic that I would bait her with food and drink only to kill her.

I smiled down kindly at her, my eyes met her brown ones. She smiled back grateful and nodded at me. It was too far in the game for us to form an alliance, we would have to kill each other in a couple of days, so what would be the point? Instead I just put a finger to my lips as a way of saying. That this would be our little secret. She smirked, gave me a quick nod before running off into the woods in a different direction.

I would just break into the house again later today and get more supplies. I had been so successful of doing it for a few days. I tried to rain in my confidence, an over confident tribute always got killed.

* * *

At the end of that day the boy from 6 was killed, the girl from district 2 too. We were just 6 left now, the big finale would be soon. I then climbed down from my tree and snuck into the city. I climbed the fire escape like so many days before. This time I sat and waited for the careers to be asleep. Lucky for me it was Charlies turn to stand guard. I had checked the last two previous nights, but did not want to risk waking all of the careers up in order to talk to Charlie. Once I was certain that they were all asleep I made a small noise altering Charlie that I was there. She smiled when she saw me and hugged me when I jumped down and walked up to her.

"I thought for sure you were dead when Brutus saw you." She whispered and I smiled at her and nodded, I had thought so too for a moment there.

"Listen Charlie, are you still up for that alliance?" I asked and she smirked and nodded. I lead her around the house so we could talk more freely. I explained my plan to her and she agreed to it.

We parted ways with a small hug, I told her I would see her tomorrow and not die in the meantime. She smiled and replied: Likewise.

I climbed my tree once again and caught a few hours of sleep. I hoped this plan would work.

The morning was not as light as the others, it was grey and a little dark. Implying we were preparing for the big finale. Suddenly I heard a scream from the other side of the city, where the rest of the forrest was. This also woke the careers up, who were out of the house immediately. I climbed down from my tree but hid in the bushes.

The girl from seven ran out in the open. I knew this was not a good sign. It means she was running from something more terrifying than the careers. Once there I noticed her arms were shredded. Then there was a hoard of giant eagles, they attacked all of us, one found me and I had to run into the middle of the street I knew that is what they wanted.

Once we were all there the birds had maimed us all a little they flew off. We were now 6 tributes in the same place and we all knew there was only one winner. However I was prepared for something like this to happen. We were quiet and still for a moment. My eyes met Charlies and after a few seconds I nodded. With that I threw my knife at the boy from four but sadly missed.. At the same time the girl from one tackled me. I fought against her until the boy from four stabbed her with his sword, saying that I was his kill. He towered over me which was a big mistake, Because I kicked upwards and hit him in the crown juvel, he groaned and sank down. I quickly sat up from my exposed position. I quickly reached for a stake as he was about to get up again and raise his sword, I threw it and it hit him in the chest. He groaned but he still stabbed downwards. I rolled too the side, thinking I felt some hair being chopped off. I turned quickly again. This time throwing another stake at him. It hit his stomach. He pulled it out but slowly collapsed due to his injuries. I got up as he took one last stab at me hit my shoulder a little, before he collapsed completely.

Mean while the boy from one had killed the girl from seven and were now fighting Charlie.

I grabbed another stake and quickly aimed it behind me where Charlie was fighting the boy from one. I quickly turned and used the momentum to power a throw of the stake. I was aiming for the boy from one, that did not know what happened, Charlie made a weird turn and I accidentally hit her. I cried out when I saw it happen. This gave the boy from one the upper hand because Charlie was weak now. But I was very quick to throw another stake her way, which hit perfectly. She fell down and I ran over to Charlie discarding my weapons. I put pressure on her stomach where blood was gushing out.

"I am so sorry Charlie, I did not mean to hurt you. I wanted you to win, you know that? I was gonna let you win. I am so so sorry." I cried but she looked at me calmly.

"I am so sorry, you deserve this so much more than I do I am so sorry." I cried out but she smiled and put her hand on my cheek to make me look at her face. I felt like breaking down when I saw her looking too calm for someone our age.

She smiled at me and pulled me downwards to say something, I tried to contain my tears as I leaned down.

"You deserve this Nova." She said and I shook my head and cried.

"No no I don't, you have a real family to get back to. Remember you told me about your brother Dale. Bet he can't wait to see you again." I said but she just shook her head slightly.

"It is okay Nova." She said with a pause and I tried to contain my tears looking her eyes, thinking about my family. It was unfair that it was her and not me lying there right now.

She pulled me in closer and I could see a small tear in her eyes.

"Kill me, please Nova, this hurts so much. Make it stop. Kill me." She pleaded in a whisper. I could no longer contain my tears but she wiped them away and nodded at me content.

I was about to kill someone I cared for, I hated this I could not do this. How could I kill her? It was my fault that she was in pain in the first place. I hated this. I grabbed my head and cried once again before looking at her again she nodded once more. Her weak hand grabbed a knife and put it in my hand. I looked at her and cried but tried to pull myself together, so the last things she saw was not my ugly crying face.

I slowly took out my hand, and stroked her hair in a comforting manner, she just smiled at me.

I started humming this old song, she had hummed it at training. She smiled when she recognised it. I started singing it in-between sobs. I still stroked her hair with my left hand. With my right hand I slowly and shaking took it upwards until I punctured her neck once I knew this was the quickest way to end it. She smiled and sighed as she let out one last breath.

 _Its always summer under the sea. I know I know._

 _The birds have scales and she fish take wing, I know I know._

 _The rain is dry and the snow falls up, I know I know._

 _The stones crack open and the water burn, I know I know._

 _The shadows come to dance, my love._

 _The shadows come to play._

 _The shadows come to dance, my love._

 _The shadows come to stay._


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I am so sorry I have only now discovered that this chapter was missing and that I posted chapter 9 as chapter 8. I am so sorry. I hope you still like it. (also real quick song isn't mine it is from got.)

The rest of what happened happened in a blur. I screamed out in pain and cried over Charlie. It was unfair that she had to die so I could live. It should have been me. She had a family, I did not have anyone to get home to. Not like that, she was important to people in this world, she mattered. I was just some orphan thief girl from district 3, I had never asked for this. I never wanted this.

I cried and slowly closer her eyes. With the small smile still present on her lips it looked like she was dreaming. I hoped it was her singing by the sea. I almost shot up on the realisation that I would have to do that. I would go to district 4 and do that. I would honour her, I would honour my promise to her. No matter how much I wanted it to, it did not bring her back. However it did bring me some sort of comfort. I could feel myself and my psyche crumbling. I curled up into a ball and cried while rocking back and forth trying to comfort myself.

I kept doing this as I was announced Victor of the 67th hunger games. I kept crying and screaming and rocked back and forth. It was the only thing that felt normal and good, and rational. I felt like it was the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. Not really aware that it was somewhat already gone.

I was picked up by a helicarrier and I kept rocking back and forth. The had to sedate me to make me stop while I was stitched up.

* * *

I woke up and had stopped rocking back and forth. I still curled into a ball on my hospital bed. I knew I could not stay like this. Tiffy came and congratulated me I did not even look up from the spot I was currently starring at. She talked about how I should enjoy my day in solitude because tomorrow I was to be crowned victor, then later an interview with Ceasar. Then a lot of things in the capitol, before I could finally go home two days from now. She paused to wait for some sort of response, but I just made a small noise trying to tell her with all I could muster at that moment, that I had understood her.

She did not push me further but left me to my staring. I did not even think that much, sometimes an image of me killing someone or something would flash up and make me flinch. But it was fleeting, then I just cried quietly to myself. The rest of the time I spent curled up like this staring into space, in my own little bubble.

Wiress came to say hi and see how I was doing, I wanted to thank her, knowing she probably helped me get sponsors. But I could not do anything but keep staring into space. I was no longer in control of my own body, all it could do was sit there, starring into space.

She tried to comfort me, but I could not help it, I still could not respond in any way.

Cinna came by, and I actually managed to lift me head and look at him. He smiled at me comforting, but said nothing, knowing or at least understanding that he could never take away what I was feeling.

I looked at him and cried a little. Not violently like I had in the arena, but small tears rolling down my face.

Beetee came to visit me, and I managed to lift my head once again. He understood what I was feeling. First we sat for a long time in silence. Then he tried to comfort me by telling me he understood.

I knew I had to eventually get up. I could hear Beetee, Cinna, a voice I could not place and Tiffy talk about it. I was too deep in my head to lift my head and see who it was. Too numb to care who it was.

They talked about how I had to be ready in 3 hours. I had no idea how much time had passed, a lot apparently. They all tried to get me to move but to no avail. I tried but my body still would not listen to me.

Eventually Cinna sat in front of me and took my hand.

"Nova, we are gonna put you in the shower, that makes everyone feel better okay? You can stay in there as long as you want. But you need to shower, okay pipsqueak." He said softly, I turned my head at that name. It was what the boys called me. I managed to nodded slightly letting him know I understood.

The boys used to call me pipsqueak, would they still do that when I saw them again? Would any of them even be able to look at me after this. Would I ever be able too?

He asked if I could stand up, but that much I could not manage. After a while I was carried to the bathroom, stripped to my underwear and sat in a bathtub filled with warm water and wonderful smelling soaps. I enjoyed the part of the bath I could feel. Somehow I was so numb I could not feel all things.

A lot of time passe, as I sat in the bath starring into space. I noticed Beetee come and go, so did Tiffy and Cinna. I could see their lips moving, but I could not hear anything. It was like there was glass between me and them. After a while a tan figured moved into my eyesight. It was slightly blurred from the lack of blinking. I blinked a few times. That Finnick boy was smiling at me. He said things I could not really hear, it was like he was talking on the other side of a closed door. I could feel him put his arm around my back. I let it happen. I could not really fight back, since I had no control over my body. And I was too numb to care about fighting back. He said something I could not hear and the put his arm under my legs and lifted me up carefully. He kept looking down at me to make sure was not hurting me. Suddenly I could hear him again. He was saying it would be okay. I was back on the hospital bed and sat down. Before he grabbed a towel and dried me. Then put a hospital gown and a blanket on me. He sat beside me and put his arms around me, almost cradled me.

"Thank you Nova." He said and I looked up at him a little confused. What had I done for him?

"Thank you for what you did for Charlie." He said.

With the memory of her suddenly in my mind I broke down just like in the arena. I started crying and shaking violently. He hugged me tighter and let me bury my head in his chest. I cried my heart out. For everything I had gone through in that arena. For all the people I had killed, for their families. For Charlie, for her family. I cried and I felt like I would never stop, and I would never stop hurting like this.

Finnick let it happened, kept holding me. Kept telling me it was gonna be okay. Kept stroking my hair.

Eventually I stopped crying. I felt like I could not cry anymore. Finnick kept holdning me and stroking my hair.

"Can you move again?" he asked quietly. How did he know what was wrong with me? What to do about it?

I nodded slowly against his chest.

"Good, you need to stand up for me. Can you do that Nova?" He said and slowly let go of me.

Once he had wiggled out of the embrace, he stood up taking both my hands in his. Slowly I put my bare feet on the cold floor. He guided me and held me up, but promised me he would catch me if I collapsed. I also like he let me take it in my own tempo. The physical pain were not as bad as the psychological. Now that I was standing, He got beside me and put his arm around me again. He asked me if I could walk, again I nodded and we started slowly walking out of this nightmare of a room. I knew the nightmares would follow me.

Slowly and almost weakly I walked out side and he guided me down the hall. Cinna and my style team all smiled kindly at me. He sat me down on a make up chair and with my permission they got to work.

Once I was styled with make up and hair, he and Cinna helped me change. Once we were finished Finnick embraced me once again.

"You are gonna be okay, alright Nova. You just need to get through these two days. I need to go now, but if you need me I am there, alright?" He said and I nodded slowly before he kissed me forehead and soon he was gone.

Bill had kissed my forehead too, but that was a very different girl then. I was not sure who I was anymore. I was a shell of who I used to be right now. I closed my eyes and thought about Charlie, Dodger and Bill watching me get crowned. I needed them to know I was okay. I knew I could not just go see then once we got back. There would be too many cameras on me.

I took a deep breath trying to gather myself. I thought about being strong for Charlie, both of them.

Cinna asked if I was ready and for the first time in two days I spoke.

"As I will ever be." I said, my voice a little hoarse, but he got me some water and it was fine.

* * *

I was escorted to the victors hall and placed on a throne as I walked in, the people of the capitol cheering me on. President Snow came in, and I stood up for him. He took the crown that someone from behind him was carrying and declared me the 67th victor of the hunger games. I put on a fake smiled and thanked him. The capitols people went crazy, I smiled and waved out at them, but my eyes stared blank ahead. When the ceremony was over Cinna took my back to my bedroom on the training center. Beetee was happy to see me up and about. I do not know if it was a good or a bad thing that I did not have that much time with them. We sat and ate together, talking about small things. Somehow food did not really taste of anything any more. After that it was back to the stylists, a new look and a new dress. Cinna had once again managed to combine me and the hint of the capitol in this outfit.

I stood backstage where I had stood with 23 other kids just a week ago. Now they were all dead, some of them because of me. Cinna could see that there was something wrong. I stood there and I felt like falling apart all over again. I wanted to cry so badly, I wanted to scream, I wanted a lot of things right now. But none of that would bring them back. None of that would bring them justice, or make their deaths matter. None of it would even make me feel better. I could feel the noise drowning again, I was about to fall apart again.

Finnick was there not long after. I felt like I was too far gone to be brought back without ruining my make up. He pulled me in for a hug. He looked stressed and worn out as well.

I buried my head in his chest as he slowly stroked my hair. Until Cinna, came and told us it was 4 minutes to show time. He seemed stressed, and I wished I was not the course of it. Once again proving that I should not be the one standing here.

Finnick pulled back from the hugged and took my face in his hands looking at me. He looked at me how Bill looked every time I had a run in with the peacekeepers. So worried yet so loving.

"Nova, you just need to get through 10 minutes with Ceasar. Think about Charlie think about your family watching you. If you get nervous at all, just look at me, I will be in the crowd to the right. Just look to me or Cinna okay?" He said and I could feel myself pulling together again.

I sighed and breathed in deeply. Before looking up and into his eyes and nodded.

"Okay. I can do this." I said and he looked at me almost relieved.

Why would he care if I was a traumatised victor? I had murdered his tributes. One accidentally but I had still killed them. But he seemed relieved as if it had some importance to him, that I did good tonight. I sighed once more and looked up at him defiant.

"For Charlie." I said and he smiled and walked off.

I stood alone for a moment and tried to build on that feeling. That feeling of putting on a brave face for them. Not for the capitolians, I could give a rats ass about them. But for my family, for Charlies family, for Cinna.

Ceasar announced me and I walked on to the stage smiling. My eyes just like the first time found Cinna and was comforted by him being there.

"Congratulations Nova, I am so happy to see you here again. Now tell me how did it feel, when you were declared the victor?" He asked and I shrugged and smiled.

"It was very unreal all of it. I am still getting used to it all." I said smiling at him, it was mostly true. I just was not being crowned victor that tormented me.

"Now let me just say, I loved the way you fought in the games. You were clever and always seemed to keep a level head. Is there anything you want to tell us about the experience?" He asked and I took a deep breath. I knew I should be a good little solider, but I thought I had nothing to lose.

"I can tell you one thing Ceasar, killing people to survive is not all it is cracked up to be." I said with a smile and he laughed. I was telling the truth I was angry for having been put through all of this. I looked over at Finnick and he looked at me angry and worried. He shook his head at me and I understood what he was trying to say. I had to be a good little solider and be happy I won. I had no idea why, but I had this feeling that the president could hurt me if I did not fall in line. I had just fought to be alive, I did not feel like risking it all over again.

"But all jokes aside. I really want to thank all of you for sponsoring and believing in me. And my wonderful team, who somehow managed to make me look pretty while I am still healing." I said.

I looked to Finnick once again and he nodded smiling slightly.

"And doesn't she look amazing folks?" Ceasar shouted to the crowd who cheered.

"Now I have to ask, how did you come up with that idea for wooden stakes, I think we were all throughly impressed when you started making your own weapons in the arena." Ceasar and I felt like flinching when he mentioned it, but I used all of my energy to keep smiling at him.

"Well I was already good at throwing knives, so my fantastic mentor and I decided to train throwing stakes. That way I would like you said be able to make my own weapons. It does have its downsides though. I am glad I am wearing gloves right now, because those stakes gives you some bad splinters." I said earning a laugh from the audience. I tried not to think about it at all, I tried to focus on my training and on Beetee and not who I had killed with those stakes. I would much rather have a clean conscience than some stupid splinters. But that was just not the hand I was dealt.

I got through the rest of the interview without too much trouble. I smiled and waved as I walked off stage. As soon as I no longer felt a camera on me, I wiped the smile off my face. I knew my loved ones would be able to see right though it, but I had to put up the act. I knew there was a reason all of the victors did it. I knew he would probably hurt those I cared about if I said something out of line.

* * *

Finally my day was over and I was happy. I was going home tomorrow. No more capitol, I was finally going home, getting away from all of this.

The train ride was pretty uneventful, Beetee, Wiress and I talked a little. I liked that there was two people who understood exactly what I was going through. Who I knew I could count on about this.

Finally the train stopped. Cinna had given me one last dress before I could go back to my old clothes. I understood. The capitol would be filming my return to all of the districts. I smiled and waved as I was welcomed by the people of my district. I noticed half of the crowd glaring at me. That would be the same crowd that glared when I was reaped. Once I got to see my new house in the victors village. I tried to settle in, I put away the few things I had brought with me to the capitol. I knew I should pick up the rest from Lokes. But I would do that later.

Right now I was exhausted.

I just wanted to sleep for a really long time, and not remember what I had gone through in those horrible games. I decided that I should wait till I could stand by myself and could do things without breaking down before I went and visited the boys. I did not want them to see me like this.

I collapsed on my new but very comfortable bed and fell into a slumber.


	9. Chapter 9

I truly wanted to feel happy again. I wanted to be able to go into town and buy some food. Or cook for myself. Or be able to do anything. I slept a lot, and when I were not sleeping, it was because Beetee or Wiress came around. They helped me with everything, if it they had not been there I would have died.

They made sure I got up and walked a little. Usually Wiress would take me for a small walk around victors village. That way I got outside and had a little fresh air. They made sure I ate something.

I knew I should talk to them about it, but how could I? How do you deal with the fact that you have killed people. Their blood is on your hands, how do you deal with that?

How do you deal with the fact that you just had to fight for your life against other people?

That you had taken people away from their families, so you can sit here in a nice house alone.

I spent a few months numb, trying to process it all.

I did eventually start getting a little better. One day we were walking around and Wiress was talking to me. And when there was a pause in the conversation I looked at her and said the first real sentence in months.

"I promised Charlie I would go see the sea if I survived." I said and Wiress looked at me surprised but happy. I actually smiled back a bit.

"That is good Nova. Of course we can go see the sea." She said.

We kept walking arm in arm. When we got to the gate of victors village, she looked at me carefully.

"Do you wanna go outside a little? Not too much just a little?" She said slowly, she probably did not want to ruin the progress I had made. But I felt brave, and probably a bit arrogant about my current mental state, so I said yes.

We had done that a few times after, but never gotten that far. I still had not gone to see my friends, I knew people were watching me now, so I could not exactly just go there. I had no idea how they would feel if we got to town and I actually saw them. But I wanted to go see them. Or see anything that was familiar and felt even remotely safe. But I also knew I could not show up to Loke's like this. They would not know what to do like the two other victors did.

We actually managed to get to the edge of town there were people running around buying what they needed for dinner and such.

The stress and noise did not bother me too much, which was a pleasant surprise. I stopped Wiress there on the edge, I knew I could not go any further. We stood there for a few minutes just looking, no one really noticed us. A few glances here and there, but most of them had not seen me since I came home.

I made eye contact with one figure, it was a young boy who looked at me and then smiled at me. I looked at him and wanted to smile back. But suddenly his face changed into someone elses. It was a tribute, and the way I had killed him all came back to me. Wiress noticed my change in behaviour, and knew immediately to take me home. She turned me around trying to comfort me on the way. I did not even see my two best friends walking across their corner to greet me. I left them there sad and confused.

I could only focus on it now. I had had a pretty clear mind for a month or so. Only having to deal with guilt and my own thoughts. But now it was all flodding over me. As soon as we got into a house I collapsed and broke down. Wiress let go of me for a short moment to go get something.

I saw everything, everything I had done, all those people I had killed. Their deaths flashed before my eyes. Beetee came in and I was back in my fatal position rocking back and forth.

He slowly sat down and just like Finnick did pulled me into a big hug and let me cry against his chest.

I cried and screamed and everything else I felt like. I felt like I had no real control, all I could do was feel it.

Eventually I could not cry anymore, physically I could not do it anymore. Beetee did not let go of me. Eventually I fell asleep from pure exhaustion. In my sleep they had moved me to Wiress couch. When they saw I had woken up they walked out of the room and came back with a cup of tea. We sat there in silence every now and then taking a sip from a cup. For the first time in a long time, I relaxed and felt safe. I might even have been a slightly bit happy.

A month went on where I slowly got back to life. I started doing things again. It all happened gradually. But once this floodgate had opened it was not gonna close. I could talk again, I did not do it as much as before, but I could say sentences now.

I gradually started to cook on my own, eat without help. Get out of bed without help.

Wiress and I kept walking into town. One day she even managed to get my to buy groceries.

I still collapsed every now and then. And a few times a week, I could wake one of them up with my screams. My nightmares was the worst. There I could not escape what I had done.

One day I walked into town myself. I wanted to see if I could do it without completely falling apart.

I had actually walked this route a lot lately, so I could do it without too much trouble now. I walked through town in my own head and ended up in front of a broken house. I ended up at my home. I had not even thought about it I had just gone on autopilot.

I was scared as I neared it, what would happen when they saw me? If they even knew who I was anymore. I like always looked around to see if anyone was watching me, before I crawled in through the window. My muscles remembered everything for me. Where to put my feet so the floor did not creek and such. I walked to the door, and I had no idea how to approach it. Any normal day I would have just walked in and greeted Loke and the others like usual. It was getting dark outside so I imagined they would be home or on their way by now. I stood in front of the door and had no idea what to do.

I managed to make up my mind and knocked on the door. That was not really something we used to do, but I felt right. I was not the same person from here anymore, I did not belong here anymore. It would always be my home and my family, but I would never belong there again. At first I heard them quiet completely down, just in case it was the peacekeepers.

Loke opened a small hatch in the door, and saw that it was me. He closed it again and quickly opened the door and let me in. He smiled at me and I let me in. He sat me down and put some food in front of me. I felt like the room went silent and everyone was starring at me. I dug in a little but then looked up smiling a little.

"That fancy capitol food can suck it. Nothing beats your cooking Loke." I said and he chuckled and thanked me.

There was a brief pause, before I got up to stop the staring. I said hello to all the boys I knew, who all hugged me, and there were a few new ones. But I knew they had heard of me. I noticed Loke sending them out to do something, once I had hugged everybody there, I sat down and continued eating. The boys sat down and we talked like the old days. I did not chip in as much because I had not stolen anything in a while. After a while I froze when the thought hit me. The last time I had stolen something was in the arena. I had once again stolen to survive. I could feel the voices blurring I felt like I was on the edge of breaking down, when two figures hurried into the room. I heard faintly my name being called. I turned around to see Charlie and Dodger panting a little. They had run there, Charlie looked especially distressed when he saw me.

I was glad because seeing them, stopped my thinking that would lead to yet another breakdown.

I was pulled into a hug, and Dodger lifted me up a little he was so happy to see me.

With Charlie it was a different story he took his time to study my worn down features. Before pulling me into a big bear hug. He held me close for a long time. Probably scared I would leave again if he let me go. He pulled back and took my head in his hands. I was a little sad, he felt so comfortable, so safe, so much like home.

"We saw you a few weeks back in town. You looked like a ghost pipsqueak." He said looking at me worried. I knew it was with good reason that he was worried about me. I had been like a ghost these few months.

"I am so sorry Charlie." Was all I could say and he just chuckled and just hugged me again a little shorter this time.

We sat down and the other boys had a completely different conversation. My two best friends had not changed much in my absence. That made me happy, I did not want them to change. We talked about everything that had happened. They knew not to press me about the games. I was not ready to talk about it.

I had missed them more than I remembered. Eventually it was time to leave, I knew so. I could not stay there, I was no longer part of the gang and never could be again. And Beetee and Wiress would be worried if I was not at home in the morning.

I walked over to Loke and pulled out some money, and handed it to him for the food. He at first insisted that I did not have to pay him and I just chuckled and shook my head.

"I know you, nothing in here is free." I said and with that he smirked at me and took the money.

"Or else let's call it insurance. I know the other victors now, I can come by and help you out with my winnings. But don't break into my house okay?" I said and he chuckled and nodded understanding.

I knew they would not rob from me, but I would hate it if my old friends took from Beetee and Wiress as well.

I met Charlie and Dodger in the door and hugged them goodbye, I smiled more today than I had in months.

Once I pulled back from the hug I frowned, wondering why it had not hit me before.

"Where is Bill?" I asked sternly. I was worried now, it was not like Bill to not come home at night. But a lot could happen in the months I had been gone. Maybe he got popped and was killed or suffering in a prison somewhere. Or was about to lose his tongue and become an avox.

Charlie noticed my change in demenior and smiled comforting putting his hands on my shoulders.

"Relax pipsqueak. He just moved to his own place with Nancy actually. He lives down on oak street, the shack there." He said and I let out a breath I had been holdning.

I really wanted to see Bill, but I did not know if I was ready yet. He had always taken care of me. How would he react seeing me so broken? I did not have time to think about it. Charlie and Dodger offered to walk me there, and soon enough I stood in front of Bills house.

I hugged Charlie and Dodger goodbye, I knew they had stuff to do.

"And boys, you can come by in victors village any time you want, you know that right?" I said and they nodded carefully.

"Just don't rob us while there." I said and earned a chuckled from both of them.

Charlie said the last goodbye giving me a small kiss on my forehead and told it was good to see me again. I stood in front of Bills house. I could hear noise on the other side of the door, so I knew he was home. I took a deep breath trying to gather my courage before knocking carefully on his door.

He opened the door pretty hard and yelled what, before seeing it was me. All annoyance disappeared from his face. And he pulled me in for a big hug and practically dragged me inside.

His shack was not much, but it was certainly homey. He sat me down at the table and we talked for a long time.

"Are you okay pipsqueak? I heard from the boys you looked like a ghost." He said concerned and I smiled at him comforting but shrugged. I did not want to hide anything from Bill.

"I am coping. It is kind of hard getting over the fact that I have killed people." I said honestly and he chuckled and nodded at me.

"I understand. I can see it on you. But you did get out of it alive pipsqueak. Don't forget to actually live a little." He said and I nodded. I knew he was right, I had to live a little, I was the only one out of 24 who got to.

He walked me home and I felt safer than I had in a long time. At my door I told him what I had told Loke. Not to break in here and if he needed anything he should just come to me.

He nodded and smiled. He hugged me one more time before kissing the top of my head and walked back home. I watched him walk away and the small glimmer of happiness I had experience was slowly fading into my now default state of numbness. But I could feel a small spark in my stomach, hopefully that would grow bigger and maybe I would be able to cope with all of this eventually.

Once I got inside Beetee sat there waiting for me. I would usually come say goodnight to him. Or sometimes eat dinner with him.

"You finally went back home?" He asked not mad as I had originally expected.

"Yeah, Even got the last of my stuff." I said It was not much just a little clothes and stuff. But they smelled like home, which I liked.

"Good. I am proud of you." He said, knowing I wanted to go home, but wanted to be more my normal self before I let it happen.

He did not move from his seat and I knew there was something else on his mind.

"You know the Victory tour is coming up right?" He said softly looking at me to judge if I was about to collapse or something again.

I did not want to do it, but I knew I had to. I knew I had to go on that stupid tour and thank all the districts and their families, for letting me kill their children so that I could live. I did not like this, but I knew I had to do it. I knew there was no getting off that train now. Once the tour was over I would have to get on every year and try to teach other children to kill each other.

I dreaded the thought, but I was strong and I decided to follow Bills advice and actually try to live a little since I could.


	10. Chapter 10

Wiress and Beetee had spent the week preparing me on how to handle my victory tour, to read out from the cards, and just how to cope with it.

Eventually the day I had dreaded came. I was woken up by my stylists who had annoyingly come to district 3. They scolded me for the dark circles under my eyes, and for my lack of haircare. At one point I could not help but chuckle a little at them. Because did they actually think that I cared about that stuff? For two months I could not stand on my own, or barely feed myself. And they were worried about my haircare. It was almost absurdly funny.

I did get some weird looks when I started laughing halfway through my scolding.

They did me up but not too much I wanted to look natural as well. Cinna came and gave me a beautiful black dress. It reminded me of what I had worn for my first interview. He told me he was gonna keep bringing me black dress and I loved it. It also hit me that it was a funeral colour, which fit the tone of this experience perfectly.

Eventually Tiffy led me outside and I had to smile and wave to the cameras. I had to act happy and talked to Ceasar through a satellite. We talked for a small while, luckily before I knew it the lights and cameras turned off and I was dragged off to the train station.

Once back on that train I stayed pretty silent. I actually managed to enjoy parts of the ride. It was a long ride to district 12 where I had to start. But I spent most of my time in the back of the train starring out the big window at the beautiful scenery that passed me by.

I lived up a little on the train too, I had a lot of fun annoying Tiffy but stealing things from her here and there. It annoyed her to great lengths, and even though I gave it back after a little fight I was kind of fun. She never really got truly angry though, probably just glad to see me laughing a little again. She had seen me after the games and if I remember it right she actually looked at bit concerned for me.

Or she was concerned for her always fleeting schedule, which could be ruined by a breakdown.

* * *

I got to district 12 and gave a small speech about the tributes from there. I had to look out at their families and apologised that their children had to die in order for me to live. I felt very numb as I gave the speech. I had to eat dinner with the victor from the districts every night. Luckily Beetee knew them all and most of the victor I met on tour understood my slight withdrawal every now and then.

I liked Haymitch the victor from 12 very much. He said things straight to you and I respected him for that. We bonded over a shared cynicism I had gain after my games. I might have gotten better, but that did not mean I did not despise the capitol for putting me through it. He also introduced me to the wonders of drinking. It was nice to feel a little free and forget your problems. While I did get scolded the day after by my style team. I did not care, I liked the feeling. Beetee warned me that I could develop a habit but I assured him I could keep it under control. Or at least I tried to.

I liked most of the victors I had met through the tour, as we moved to districts where I had actually killed their tribute, I could barely look at their family. I could see their hurt and angry eyes. I understood, I had killed their son or daughter. It was not fair that I got to live and not them.

I also woke all of the train every night when I woke up either yelling or screaming. Beetee like back home, came and comforted me. Cradled me when I was rocking back and forth. Told me it was not real.

If it was under different circumstances I might have gotten a scolding from the capitol stylists or Tiffy for waking them every night. But they somehow never mentioned it. Either they had some respect for what I was going through, or someone most likely Cinna or Beetee had scolded them if they tried.

* * *

I dreaded going to district four. I had to face Charlies family. On the way too town-hall Beetee tried to comfort me.

"I already discussed it with the others. And after dinner you get to honour your promise and go down to the sea." He said and I nodded.

I was looking forward to that. I felt pretty good about it. I wanted to honour Charlie, I wanted to do right by her.

But up until there it was gonna be the hardest district to talk to. Everything felt like it was going in slow-motion as I was welcomed on stage. I saw the other Victors sitting to the side. I then looked up to see a big picture of Charlie. I felt like crying then and there. I saw her brother and sister and parents. They looked so sad, I wanted to comfort them, but I had no idea how. I also got a weird feeling, they all looked sadly up at me. But not angry. Why weren't they angry? I had accidentally killed their daughter. They should be furious. They should hate me. I did not deserve the look they game me. They should despise me. I hated myself for it, they should too.

I gave the speech, like I was supposed to, but I actually did mean everything when I talked about Charlie. I ended it by looked at their sad face and telling them how sorry I was. There was a small but comforting smile on her mothers face. It would never make up for it, but I felt better them knowing how sorry I was.

I walked into dinner in yet another dress. Today Cinna had spiced things up with a dark blue dress. But thankfully I still had my leather jacket and boots. I greeted an elderly lady who was called Mags. She did not talk much but she was very kind. The way she was around me, I imagined that what it was like to have a grandmother. My father had been disowned for marrying my mother, and therefore wanted nothing to do with me. My mothers family I had no knowledge of either. What I also liked about her, she knew when to comfort me. Every time the district 4 escort was a little too capitol mannered and said something about the games. I felt her hand on mine gently telling me it was gonna be okay.

Finnick was not around, in the capitol on business apparently. I had no idea what business he had, he could just live off his winnings. But I payed no further attention to it. We ate and talked lightly. I actually enjoyed it this evening. While I still preferred my not so well mannered boys and Loke's not so fancy cooking. They had managed to keep it simple and not as fancy as you would expect of a career district.

After dinner we all took a walk around town and then down to the beach.

Beetee smiled kindly at me as we walked there. The sea and beach looked much different from I had expected. The sand was cold and dark, but I liked the sensation of it in my hands. The sea was loud and I liked the way the dark crashed in with white foam. I walked closer to it the darkness was contrasted with the total clearness of it.

I could see myself in the reflection of the sea. I looked much older than I had before, tired almost.

From behind me I heard Mags who had started humming. I reached out to touch the water. It was much colder than I expected, I had no idea why I expected that. However it did feel nice on my skin.

I enjoyed the sensation, the slight music from behind me. Sitting there, looking out at the sea, for the first time in a very long time, I felt at peace. I felt like I at least for a little while could let go of it all.

I could only close my eyes for a moment, once I opened them it hit me harder than before. I looked at my reflection but suddenly all I could see was Charlie with a stake in her stomach. I slapped the water to make it go away. I also just now noticed it was the song I had sung for her that Mags was humming. Once I crawled away from the water I had just smacked horrified Beetee was at my side immediately. He hugged me and shushed me telling me that it was okay. Mags also came over and tried to comfort me. I knew she had meant nothing by humming that song, but I could do nothing but start crying then and there. If it had been under any other circumstances I would have been embarrassed that I had cried in front of all these people. But right now I did not care. I had killed people for their amusement, they could watch me cry about it afterwards.

Eventually they calmed me down and we left the beach. I could hear the escort from here and the major walk behind us, talking slowly about how "uncanny" and "Overdramatic a reaction that was." I as about to turn around and smack them. They had no idea what I was going through, they should not try and patronise me. Beetee noticed my change from sad to angry but pulled me further looking back at them harshly. I knew I would get into a lot of trouble if I had smack him or something. But it did not make me want to do it any less. I was still a little angry when we got back to the train and went into the gym and started beating a boxing pillow till I was literally about the collapse on the floor. How dare they think of me as weak, I cried for one of their tributes. It only made my disdain for the capitol grow. It was also kind of nice, both this feeling of exhaustion, but also anger. At least I was feeling something other than numb and sadness. Anger felt really good right now.

I was a little happy when we had to go to district 2. When we were leaving district 4 I hugged Mags goodbye who padded my head gently. I was sad to see her go, but she said that she would see me as a mentor next year. To which I smiled and nodded. I politely shook the hands of the major and the escort from four before going into the train. Beetee smiled at me and padded my shoulder.

"You're doing great kiddo. Only two districts left. Then the capitol, and then home." He said and I nodded smiling slightly.

Thankfully this was finally about to be over. I was tired of dresses, having to give a speech each day, and having to eat that fancy food every night.

I was also thankful that I never again had to look at all those families whose children had to die in order for me to live.

I went to bed just wanting to get the next three days over-with. I went to sleep in the comfortable bed on the train.

* * *

I was running in the forrest laughing with someone. Suddenly I had a knife in my hand, but instead of stabbing some tribute I did not even know the name of I was stabbing Beetee. I yelled to myself to stop. He said nothing he just lied there. I could not stop but why was I doing it. Then it turned into that girl I had spared the first day, but she had not been as lucky the next. I saw the light fade from her eyes.

Suddenly I was sat there bloody knife in hand. There as no body beneath me, however all of those people I had killed, their families. They gathered around me blood still visible on some of them.

They kept asking me, how I could have done it, why I had killed them.

I kept telling them that I was sorry.

I was yelling how sorry I was when Beetee came in and finally was able to wake me. He hugged me as I cried silently for a little while.

"I understand, I get them all of the time too. Nobody blames you." He said gently.

Once I had calmed down and he made sure I was okay. He left me to try and sleep again. I knew I would probably be up again in a few hours. Either from having to actually get up or another night terror. But I did my best to sleep, I needed to be well rested. Some things they could not cover with make up.


	11. Chapter 11

District two and one, looked fantastic. There was a very clear difference between all the other districts and these two. All the people there looked well fed, smiled a lot more. They also covered themselves in nicer clothes and jewellery. It was very weird that I grew up not that far from this place, yet it was like being in a different world. Some things never changed though the peacekeepers, the courthouse buildings and all of that.

The victor dinners there were a little weirder. I knew all of these victors knew what I had and was going through. Some of them had sympathy for me, or so it seemed. The rest just bragged about how they had dominated their games, and complimented me on some of my kills. I almost cringed when the first person said that.

But eventually I got kind of used to those comments and their general attitude. Not that I necessarily liked it, but I no longer flinched.

After what felt like forever in their company, I was back where it had all begun, the capitol.

There I was really cheered on by everyone. When I walked out of the train people pushed and shoved to get a glimpse of me, which I still found weird. Their obsession with us killers was certainly strange.

I was really pampered by my stylists this day, since I had the victors ball tonight. I had to look a lot less natural than all of the other nights. Cinna also told me I could escape it no longer. He pulled out some high heels and I groaned having avoided those purposely.

They all cheered once I had learned how to walk in them. I knew my make up looked extravagant, as Cinna dragged me to get changed. I had some black sandal heels, which I wore under a long dress. The skirt was a flowing dark green while my top consisted of nude fabric covered in gold daisies. I smiled as he put on my mothers neckless.

"I wanted it to match." He said and I smiled and hugged him thanking him for everything.

* * *

Beetee showed up in a suit that matched my dress, and Tiffy, I had no words to describe what she looked like, a peacock I think is the closest I will ever get. I took Beetees arm and we started walking as Tiffy started raving about how everyone would be there.

We got there and it was a beautifully decorated ballroom covered in gold and green colours. All around stood the I was guessing riches capitolians and chatted. I also spotted a few victors I knew from my tour. Most of them just slightly raised their glass at me. I understood why most victors became addicts after winning.

Once we stepped in everything even the music came to a halt and everyones eyes were on me. I smiled shyly as I walked through the crowd and to the end where I was greeted by president Snow. He held a small speech and then everything commenced.

The music started once again and everyone there was apparently dying to meet me. I was hungry as hell but I had no chance to actually get anything, because I was always swept off to talk to someone. I hated all of it but was polite nonetheless. I felt so out of place it was horrible.

I noticed Finnick sneaked off with a capitol woman and scoffed. How could he stand these people?

I knew it was not their fault but the way they talked about the games and the districts. The way they puked up food so they could eat more was horrible. There were people in the districts starving and killing each other in an arena for their amusement. And they did not care, they were happy.

I was stuck in yet another polite conversation with some capitolians. They had annoyingly, yet again, dragged me from the food and drinks table. Once Haymitch had tried to help me out, and intervened. He excused us and let me go to the food table. I was about to eat something for the first time tonight. I was almost jumping with excitement. When a capitolian came up and had to talk to me and drag me off to their friends. Never giving me a break to bite into the food, before they made me give it to an avox. I was at this point so annoyed from hunger I had to contain myself not to roll my eyes at their talking. Suddenly the conversation in front of me came to a halt as someone behind me cleared their throat.

I turned to see Finnick who was back from his little "visit" with that capitolian lady. Somehow he angered me more tonight. He smirked way too arrogantly and asked if he could borrow me for a quick dance. I nodded and the capitolians started chatting and raved how they wanted to be next.

I had no idea what they saw in that Finnick. What did they see in this arrogant smug persona he put up? The Finnick who comforted me I understood, but I was positive they had never seen that side of him. He took my hand and guided me to the dance-floor. I put my right hand in his and the other on his firm shoulder. We were around the same hight when I was in these heels which I for once was thankful for.

He put the hand on the small of my back but paused there for a second.

"You sure that you can dance in those shoes? I have noticed you lose balance a few times tonight." He said grinning like a cheshire cat. I rolled my eyes at him and sighed.

"Cinna just sprung these shoes on me today!" I said offended. He just chuckled but the looked down at me caring.

"So you wanna dance or what? Because just standing here, looks a bit weird." He said smirking I bit my lip knowing I would have to tell him the truth now.

"I only accepted the dance to get away from those woman." I said looking up at him and he looked at me knowingly waiting for me to continue. I did not want to admit it, but he clearly was not letting me off the hook. I sighed to muster up some courage to admit this to him.

"I have no idea how to dance." I muttered shamefully and he started laughing to which I hit his shoulder lightly.

"I am not from these parts. I come from a place where we steal for a living, do you honestly think we spend our free time learning ballroom dances?" I said offended, his laughter died down and I hated every moment of this already. He looked down at me smiling more genuine now.

"Want me to teach you?" He asked and I sighed and nodded.

"I am gonna have to learn, having to come to this stupid thing every year." I said annoyed. He chuckled once again and took my hand again.

Once we were in position he told me where to put my feet, so we moved in sync with the music and he moved opposite of me. First we moved in a square, and he scolded me for looking at my feet. But eventually I got the hang of it even when he, much to my dismay I might add, twirled me around. We were in pretty good sync now and started talking. Once he knew I was a little comfortable he started being smug again. I kept talking back to him, apparently much to his amusement.

Eventually I got so angry, I intentionally unintentionally stepped on his foot, making him groan a little and step back from me.

"Here I am nice and save you from the capitolians, and you try to mutilate me." He said sounding upset, it somehow just got on my nerves. I was not some stupid damsel in distress I did not need him to save me.

"It was an accident. And besides it was your own damn fault, you were annoying me." I whisper yelled, I was angry but I did not want everyone at this party to listen in to our little fight.

"So you injure me? You need to eat, I think you're letting it out on me." He said smirking and I grunted out in anger and turned on my heel leaving him there.

Sadly the minute I left him I was dragged off to politely smile in a conversation with capitolians. I was boiling with anger. He had pissed me off, and on top of that I was hungry and my feet hurt from these stupid shoes, and these people were boring and weird. I wanted to get away from this party, but sadly I knew my torture had to continue. Eventually I managed to excuse myself and find Beetee standing with Cinna, he smiled when he saw me.

"How much longer do we have to be here?" I asked sounding very much the like annoyed teenager I was. They chuckled at my little outburst which also annoyed me. I was about to actually go full baby and pout.

"Just a few hours more sweetheart" Cinna said.

I groaned annoyed once again, but turned around to see a capitolian practically lined up to talk to me. I was dragged off once again. I once again had a lot of failed attempt at eating but to no avail. My eyes almost watered when they started taking all of the food away. This was supposed to be my party, but I had yet to get a god damn bit to eat.

I could feel myself literally pout in annoyance as I stood with some capitolians watching food being dragged away.

* * *

Finally Haymitch came up and excused me from the boring conversation about fashion, them all loving the daisies. Did they actually think that I cared that my clothes would be so in next season in the capitol?

I could kiss Haymitch right then and there, he smirked as he looked like he was about to drag me off to see yet another capitolian. I did not want to be around those people anymore.

"Listen sweetheart, this party is supposed to be for us, but it never actually is. So we victors usually sneak off to have our own little afterparty. Here is a key, just survive ten minutes more, so we won't all sneak off at once. Then go through that door, through the library and gym, the take the elevator up to the 13th floor." He said in a quiet whisper, I smirked so happy to finally get out of here. He slipped me a small key card which I palmed.

We turned my eyes followed him as he left the room. I was dragged of by another capitolians and stood talking with them. Well more like counting the seconds in my head. When I figured it was about 10 minutes that had passed. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I turned and noted that there was barely any victors left in this room. I smirked at that, I somehow really loved that they planned this extravagant party for us every year, yet they all snuck off after two hours to drink and party alone. It felt like much longer than two hours, but I figured that out the other years.

I snuck over to the door at the end of the room and quickly seeped through. I walked quickly through the giant library and towards an elevator. I clicked on the 13th floor and it quickly rode up. I used the key card on the first door and was thankful to see a big living room, which was cozy. It was filled with victors who stood around talking and drinking. Some people in the sofa others elsewhere. Most of them had even changed into much more casual clothes. I was a little jealous of them. Finnick smirked and walked over to me as I smiled at the party in front of me.

"You are now free to roam, what do you wanna do first?" He asked while we walked over to Haymitch so I could give him back the key card. I looked around for my team, and then smirked.

They were confused about what I was about to do, but I lifted the dress up and quickly unzipped the shoes sighing as I stepped on the floor barefoot, it was actually nice the cold floor, because my feet were so sore. They laughed at me and Haymitch then lead me to the dinner table that had all kinds of food on it. I grabbed a plate completely happy now, as I was finally able to sit down and eat. They laughed at me again as I closed my eyes after I took the first bite.

I had waited all night for this food. I was also tired of eating slowly, I picked it up with my fingers and started eating the sandwich. I had never understood eating that with a knife and fork. When I had practically swallowed that I was on the mash and chicken. Once I was finally satisfied Haymitch brought me a glass and cheered with me.

After about half an hour Cinna joined us, giving me a spare dress, it was just like the first one but short shorts instead of dress and much more toned down with the gold. I was very comfortable in this new outfit, and walked around still barefoot talking to the tributes. I actually liked these people and they actually had something to say. I felt like all of the conversations at the other party was just gibberish, but this actually meant something.

I could also feel myself getting tipsy after a few drinks. It was so nice, and I had a lot of fun. Eventually I got a little tired and sat on the couch with a few others. I had no idea how it had happened, but I was somehow sitting around slowly stroking Finnicks hair. I had no idea how I started doing that or why, but he did not comment and it was comforting somehow. He eventually turned his head to me.

"Enjoying the real party princess?" He said sounding genuine, probably just as drunk as I felt right now. I was warm all over, but I was happy and I liked this feeling, I smiled at him and nodded.

"Thank you, by the way. For… you know." I said, not really knowing how to describe what he had done for me. He looked me in the eyes once again.

"No problem, I reacted a little bit like that too, and just did what Mags did for me." He said and I shrugged.

"Well, thank you for doing it anyway." I said.

He smiled once again and I shifted in my position no longer caressing his hair. More of out being uncomfortable the way that I sat before than wanting to stop it. He groaned and moved slightly towards me as I turned his body towards me. I turned as well so I was lying curled up and facing him.

He looked me in the eyes and sighed, I liked his eyes, they were so blue. What I imagine the sea looks like in daylight. We just lied there for a while looking at each other. I was so relaxed and drunk that it was nice with the comfortable silence between us. I felt the noise around me drown out, but not like before. I knew I was not on the edge of breaking down. Yet it was like he had trapped me in this little world with him. Under any other circumstance, sober me would have hated that. He was arrogant and smug. But also gentle and very sweet. I had no idea what to actually think about him. But right now I was too drunk and too tired to care.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up in the same position to a smiling sleeping Finnick, my head hurt and my feet were still sore. This made me groan a little. That and I was cold, the room had mostly cleared out. The rest were people too drunk to sleep anywhere than where they had just landed the night before.

I yawned and stretched my sore muscles, I had no idea how to feel about today, or what I would even do now.

I still had to deal with nightmares and guilt of killing people. But I usually spent my time hanging around the boys or stealing. After I was reaped I seemed to always be on a tight schedule, but that would change. Sure I would have to mentor every year, but what would I do the rest of the time?

I decided that I needed to find something to occupy my time. I had no need for money or anything of survival. For that I was actually annoyed that I had been in those stupid games. I had nothing left anymore, I had this entire identity built around being one of Lokés kids who stole and sold scarves. What would I do now? Who could I be now? I could not be a thief anymore, I could not be normal. I would always be haunted by the games. I did not need a job, I had more money than I could ever need. I had no idea what the other victors did after they won their games. Well it was well known that most of them drank and did drugs. But what else was there? Beetee still liked to work as an engineer, maybe I should try that when we got home.

I was to tired and my head hurt too much to think anymore about it. I lied down in the same position again. I had lied very weirdly throughout the night. Why was I sitting there starring at Finnick?

I had no idea how to actually feel about him, was he a friend? Well he had helped me after the games. He had seen me practically naked both physically and emotionally. And he could be very nice and fun to be around. Plus he was one of the few people in here who was around my age. The others were full fledged careers, and I did not particularly care for their company.

Then there was the smug and arrogant Finnick, that boy I did not want to be friends with.

I figured I would figure it out when I had hung more out with him. We would probably see each other much more from now on. Then I could determine which personality he had the most.

I would have to figure out who to be too.

Beetee had talked to me on the train about how I needed a persona for the capitol. I was theirs now, and they needed more than orphan thief to want to sponsor whatever tributes we had next year. That and he had explained to me, that it could really destroy your character if you had to be that person all of the time. I knew why we hid behind these masks. Why I smiled at the crowds when I was dying inside. Because when I was no longer that entertaining to the capitol, they did not want to sponsor my tributes. They would no longer care about me, and I was only guaranteed safety by the capitol when I was useful. He had also explained the offer that I would most likely be given next year when I turned 16.

I would have to consider who I was seen with, because the president could use it against me.  
I knew in my gut once I got out of that awful arena that there was a reason all of these people stayed in line.

I now knew the full story, the one they do not tell when playing reruns on TV.

I got up after a little while, and found Beetee who was surprisingly also a little hungover. Which amused me a great deal. I had no idea what a drunk Beetee would look like. He was always so calm and composed to me. I knew he had demons just like me, but he somehow had the strong and could do no wrong image I always had of my father.

He guided me downstairs for breakfast, the other tributes soon joined us, as they all gradually woke up from the party. We sat around and chatted, it was really fun.

I had a weird feeling when we had to say goodbye to most of them. I actually liked these people and their company. They understood the trauma you had to go through. I was glad to know that I was not alone in all of this. And while we were supposed to compete against each other for sponsor and such, they had somehow formed this supporting community.

I hugged most of the goodbye at the training center, some of them had to stay on business in the capitol. Others would also be heading back to their own district too.

Haymitch made a promise that we would grab a drink another time. I immediately agreed to that idea.

A few similar proposals were made to me, others just told me how we would see each other soon. I was actually gonna miss these people a little. I could imagine them at least when I was away from home, being a surrogate family.

Once I got to Finnick he was back to his arrogant self, wearing a cheeky smile on his face.

"Saved the best for last huh?" He said and I chuckled and shook my head.

"No, just trying to postpone this as long as I can." I said sarcastically, which caused him to chuckle.

"Well, I have no problem being dessert." He said slyly and I rolled my eyes at him but smiled a little.

We seemed right then and there, without a word to decide that we would continue this as friendly banter. I knew he meant nothing by his comments and he knew I meant nothing by mine. It was an agreement made with our eyes.

He took a deep breath, and seemed to look me over afterwards, before pulling me in for a hug. I normally hated hugs, but I had grown accustomed to them here. He held it long enough that I even felt secure enough to put my second arm around him. I was weird like that, but he shifted slightly until I heard him whisper in my ear.

"Say no, whatever he is gonna take from you, trust me, it is not worth it when you say yes. He might not even keep his promise, okay? Say no Nova, trust me." He whispered with desperation in his voice.

I had no idea what he was thinking about, I had heard from Beetee that snow would probably make me an offer once I turned 16. And that he would threaten to kill my loved once if I said no.

"What is it, what is that offer?" I whispered back confused.

I could feel myself being pulled back probably be a peacekeeper telling me it was time to go. Finnick just shook his head as he let go of me.

"Just say no, okay Nova?" He whispered once again, still sounding a bit desperate.

I looked at him and silently nodded, he looked like he breathed out in relief and I was grateful that he felt better. I still had no idea what I was gonna be offered. What he would threaten me with. But if it was bad enough that Finnick would warn me against it I knew it would be serious. He had seemed a different kind of broken. I had heard of tributes families mysteriously dying after the games, but I had always thought of them as rumors. What was so bad that losing your loved ones was the better alternative?

* * *

I was not dragged into the train as I had predicted but into a car, Beetee and Wiress was waiting for me there. I looked at them confused but knew better than to disobey a peacekeeper so I got in the car.

"Where are we going?" I asked concerned, what if he was about to make me the offer right now? Was I ready, and would it be worth it to take Finnicks advice.

"The president has requested your presence." Beetee said coldly, he did however try and comfort me with a small smile.

Wiress did the same but took my hand and held it for the rest of the way. I was slightly annoyed at Tiffy who spent all of the way there talking about what an honour this would be. How she had met the president once. I really wanted her to shut up, but somehow it was better than sitting silently.

Once we got to the big beautiful mansion that was all white. We walked through his front garden which was filled with only white roses. Somehow it was intimidating with all of this white, like it was too pure. Something was just off about all of it.

I kept holding Wiress hand, which comforted me so much. We walked upstairs and I had to leave Beetee and Wiress on the other side of the door while I talked to the most powerful man in Panem.

I hugged them goodbye, and Wiress squeezed my hand before letting me go.

The white door with those gold handles was opened from the other side by an avox and I walked into the big white and golden study. He sat behind a desk and ordered me too sit. I was holding my breath a little in fear. He smiled at me, but it did not comfort me, I had no idea if it was intended as such, but he looked menacing.

He wore a white rose on his suit, which gave off a weird smell that I had no idea what was causing. I only looked him briefly in the eyes as they scared me.

"Ms. Hyde, congratulations once again on your victory." He said slowly and it almost made me shiver in fear.

I put on the fakest smile I had held yet and looked at his forehead as a means to look at him, without looking him in the eyes.

"Thank you." I said my voice shaking slightly. He smiled once again and leaned back in his chair.

"As you may or may not know, it is tradition for the victors, to create something for the capitol to enjoy. Your mentors designed our new TV transmitters for example. Or it could be something simple like our two victors from district 6, they make art for the capitol to enjoy." He said and paused. I was intimidated, was this what they had warned me about? Was this gonna be the big threat?

"It would be wise of you, to do something in the same caliber as the other tributes. Or else something might happen to those friends of yours. I actually pulled your school records, while very troubled, I can see that you are very brilliant. I expect you contribute with something sufficiently good for the capitol." He said menacingly. I breathed in not really knowing what to say, was this the offer? It was not really a yes or no question. Besides I knew once I was out of here I would need to do the capitols some favours. But this did not seem so bad, I just had to find something to give the capitol.

"I can't wait to see what you come up with ms. Hyde, I expect you have it ready when you're in the capitol next. I truly think when you apply yourself you can make something great." He said.

Normally those words would probably sound encouraging, but coming from this man it was a threat.

I knew it was not a means of inspiring me, just raising the stakes. He wanted me to succeed in making something that would benefit him. He waved me off and I got up from the chair and walked to the door which was opened by an avox. I was pulled into the car still a little stunned. And a little confused about what I was gonna do. I had to impress the president, and I had no idea how. I was not like he said too smart. I had barely had any education back in district 3, what could I possibly accomplish?


	13. Chapter 13

Once inside the car Wiress took my hand again and Beetee looked me over as if he was checking if he had hurt me.

"What did he want with you?" He asked once he could confirm that I was just a little stunned, and not actually harmed.

"He wanted me to invent something to contribute to the capitol, like paint art or program something like you guys." I said slowly. It was not that bad, I just needed to impress him.

Apparently this was not the proposition that they had been fearing, because they both seemed relieved.

Wiress just squeezed me hand and smiled widely at me.

"It is gonna be fine, you have two of the most brilliant engineers in district 3 at your disposal. The three of us will come up with something that can impress him." She said and I let out a sigh and squeezed her hand back.

What was I worried about? With those twos help and the ability to employ the rest of the district I would find something to invent. Now I would just need something for them to invent.

We talked a little while the car drove us to the train. Once there I was completely calmed down.

Back at the train we went to the back of the train and started drawing on the whiteboard. After Beetee first erased the strategy we had written there. He tried to cover it up and get rid of it as quickly as possible, but I noticed it. I thought I would go into shock again, but somehow I just felt a little angry. That was the strategy we had built so that I could kill other children and outlive them.

And now it would be used to test ideas for the same people who had orders us to kill or be killed. I only felt a little anger, and I wanted to invent something good, but also something that could make them pay for this. But I also knew it would be a death sentence for Charlie, Dodger, Bill or even Loké if I did that. I would have to do something, I had just had to be incredibly smart about it.

Once the whiteboard was empty Beetee and Wiress sat on both sides of me and Tiffy agreed to take notes for us.

Beetee once told me of the things that he had done for the capitol. And Wiress told me about her small doings as well. They were mostly interconnected, but both more brilliant than anything I could ever accomplish. After finishing telling me they turned their attention to me.

"I can't really do much, I learned some programming in school, but not enough to make anything." I said sadly, now I wish I had paid attention in school more.

After talking for a few more minutes, explaining to them everything I could not do, Tiffy was apparently annoyed with standing there, with no ideas on the board. Or maybe it was just her capitolian manners acting up again. She had to go back to three with us one more time, before heading home to the capitol. She was probably just homesick, and this homesickness made her snap a little.

"Well did you actually learn to do anything at that school?" She said annoyed. This sent me into a rage, which was not too much aimed at her but more the capitol in general. I got up and stood in front of her, only being able to contain myself enough to not try and strangle her.

"I'm sorry I never paid too much attention in school I was too busy stealing from people to survive. Or fighting to kill other tributes in those games you value so much." I yelled and Beetee was immediately at my side pulling be backwards trying to calm me down.

She just stood up trying to collect herself, muttering something about how I needed a schooling in manners.

I was still boiling with rage, at the ignorance and generally at the capitol. But I deep down also knew I was masking some pain with rage. She had hit a nerve when she had said that. I probably could have been brilliant if I had paid attention in school. If I still had a parent, so I could have focused on that in stead of how to survive off the streets.

Maybe I would not be here right now, trying to find something I could actually do. I never wanted any of this, all I wanted was to live in flea bottom of district tree for the rest of my life, robbing people with Charlie, Bill and Dogder. Until I either grew old or got captured and killed. This was never part of the plan. I was never supposed to be here, never even supposed to live this long. I had and always felt like I was disposable. I knew it, and I felt it once again. But this time for the people I loved to not die I had to be the opposite. Something I had never once been in my life. And I felt so inadequate it was horrible. How do you go from being useless all your life to make something of yourself?

I was finally calmed down a little, or at least with the silent promise to myself, that I could take it out on a dummy later. This was important, I needed the people who were not disposable to me to be safe. Beetee looked at me calmly and nodded.

"Your little outburst there, actually gave me a little idea." He said smiling and I almost shot up hopeful and smiled back. He knew he had my undivided attention and continued.

"You are really good at two things, throwing knives, and stealing things." He said and I looked at him confused.

"You know everything about thieves. What if you used that?" He said and I thought it over until it clicked in my own mind and I smirked back at him.

"Of course! I could help you design a security system. This would be sophisticated enough for capitolians but also places like Justice buildings. I know everything a thief would do when breaking into places." I said smiling widely, this earned me a proud smile from Beetee and Wiress who both agreed to it.

Tiffy even raved about what a great idea this was. How I could finally repay for all of those stolen goods by preventing it.

As we discussed more of a technological aspect of what this security would entail. There was an hour till dinner when we had finished discussing most of that. We decided to call it a night and talk more about it once we were back home.

I went to the gym, wanting to burn off some of the rage still inside me.

I kept hitting dummies and throwing knives at targets. Trying to get out all of the rage about my situation.

I was a little hopeful however, this project could really work. It would utilise something I could actually do, and it would save the ones I loved.

When a knife hit the target after one particular throw it hit me.

I would be making something that I only made to protect my friends. But this would hurt them in the end. It would eventually get to our district, and would probably lead to them getting caught in stealing. I would need a way to protect them from my own system. I would need to do something that ensured that they could not be harmed by it.

I stayed silent for most of the rest of the evening. Even tossing and turning trying to figure out how to prevent this for killing my friends.

Over breakfast Tiffy was talking about how she could not wait to install it into her own home. And how nice it would be to have proper security for once.

The only thing that annoyed her, was that she would have to change the access code every time she got new avoxes.

I dropped my fork on the plate, which made some noise, causing her to shut up and looked at me confused.

I smirked and thanked her, she had just given me a great idea. This just made her look at me even weirder but after a moment of starring at me she went back to her breakfast.

I now could relax a bit, with a solid plan in my head for how to keep my friends safe. Both by doing something to please the president, but also ensuring that it could not harm my friends.

I was actually happy for a little while. This was still gonna be a difficult task to pull off. But I trusted that Beetee and Wiress would design something amazing with my help.

I was for the first time in a while hopeful.

That would soon enough be crushed and turned into more pent up anger and general dismay. But I was happily unaware of all of that.

For now I could hopeful look out at the beautiful landscape we drove past.


	14. Chapter 14

I spent most of my time with Bill, Beetee and Wiress. I was working day and night with Beetee and Wiress to make sure this alarm system would be ready. Bill came around often at night to keep me company. Charlie and Dodger came by a few times too. I loved seeing them. I knew neither of them could stay long, they had work to do in the streets. But eating something with them or just having them stop by, gave me some sort of normal in my life. Everything else was so new and chaotic. They were my constants, and they made me feel just a little bit safe from all of this.

I still had a terrible feeling about president Snow, I knew he could and would hurt me horribly if I stepped out of line.

I still had not told the boys what I was working on, I would only have to if Snow decided to install the systems. Then I needed to come clean. Tell them that I had helped not only the people who had me sent into an arena to die, but also their literal enemy.

It went against every fibre in my being, but I knew it was a necessary evil.

One night Dogder and Charlie knocked on my door. It was late and I was confused as to what they were doing here. Usually they would be home at Loke's by now. So either they were ditching the peacekeepers, fighting with Loke or someone was in serious trouble. They looked at me a little scared almost which terrified me, but I could see them try to conceal it. They still knew I was in a delicate state. I was working on becoming a fraction of my older self, but it was hard.

I let them in without hesitation and put some water on a kettle. It was a habit I had picked up from Wiress, she had a fascination with different teas, and it calmed me to make some tea. Now it was also my standard response to distress.

I put a cup in front of both of them after a little while. They looked at it and then me a little weirdly. I knew this was new to me but they eventually shrugged and each grabbed their cup taking a sip.

Probably more to humour me than out of actual want. But it was good enough for me.

"So why are you here?" I asked, I knew there was no point in beating around the bush with this. Before I would probably have made a small joke before getting down to it. But my best friends and I had always known when to joke and when to be serious. At the moment I could no longer do both at the same time. So I chose being serious first, then it could change into joking afterwards.

"We got kicked out." Dodger said looking down embarrassed. I knew you would only get kicked on the street when you had done something really bad or Loke was in a seriously bad mood. Now last I checked business was going well, so Loke should be thrilled. Meaning these boys had done something really stupid to be kicked out.

"What did you do?" I asked looking from Dodger to a very quiet Charlie.

"It was nothing, look we were just on our normal corner the other day. And a new peacekeeper tried to get us. We apparently didn't lead him far enough off, so he came sniffing around Loke's shop today." Charlie said sadly, I was shocked. It was not like these guys to be careless about the lair and I knew Loke would be furious about this.

"They grilled Loke a little but ultimately left it alone." He followed up. I was a little relieved that they had not gotten caught. I knew Loke would turn on all of the guys if they offered him any kind of deal for them.

"Look it was not our fault. You know we are always careful. And the peacekeeper dropped it after he checked our place out. It was completely unfair, could have happened to anyone of us." Dodger said trying to defend them and I just smiled slightly.

"Sure, you two would never do anything careless. God I leave. you alone for a few months and you almost gets all of us caught?" I said sarcastically making them both laugh.

This all came natural to me, it was nice and only happened every now and then. It gave me some sort of hope that deep inside me, the real me was still there.

"You can stay as long as you need, just don't take any of my stuff. Also stay out of the way when we are working. I have to do this stupid thing for the president, or he will probably kill you two." I said trying to be funny and they both smiled slightly. I think that sadly they saw right through me. They could see on my face that I tried to joke about this, but this was no joke. The president could and would kill them if I posed a threat.

Beetee had earlier that week told me what happened to Haymitch. I was advised to stay away from the boys for a little while, but I could never cut them out of my life.

They were the only thing that felt normal right now.

"Dodger I knew you snore so you can have the couch. Charlie you can have one of the bedrooms." I said getting up to find Dodger a proper pillow and blanket to sleep with.

Once I had found those things and brought them to him. Charlie and I chatted quietly while walking through the house.

"The bathroom is down the hall, you know the living room and kitchen. I think this is the spare bedroom." I said and opened one of the doors.

One of the rooms I had all of our alarm system work stored. All of the rooms looked alike so I hoped I had picked the actual spare room.

I opened the door and was horrified to find that I had the wrong one. I was about the close the door again but Charlie held it open looking from it to me angry and horrified.

"What the hell is this Nova?" He whispered frustrated. He could clearly figure out what it was. We had taken down some old alarms to build our design off of them. I turned to him and put my hand on his chest to calm him down.

"Look it is not what it looks like." I said and he pointed at it angrily.

"Really? Because it looks like your little project for the president is an alarm system. What the hell are you thinking? This puts all of us in danger." He whispered once again very angry, I took a deep breath so I would not freak out. I had discovered I had a bad reaction to yelling recently, but I tried to keep calm enough for me to explain.

"Don't you think I know that? I have to do this for Snow or else you are definitely dead." I whispered desperate, I could feel myself about to collapse a little at the thought of losing him. He noticed my change in demeanour and his feature immediately softened.

"I am sorry Nova, I know I shouldn't push you. But this is serious. You are literally building something to catch someone like me." He said sounding just as desperate as I was. I knew he meant well and I could see him look at me very concerned that I would fall apart.

"I know, I know Charlie. But I have thought about it. I am gonna build have a universal override code build into it. If anyone questions it, it is for maintenance problems. But once these go live in different locations, you will have the code along with all the other guys. That means if any of you ever encounter one of my alarms, you can turn it off by entering that code. No matter what code the actual owner has made. I would never make this without building in a safe for you." I said out of breath.

He looked at me with a small proud smile and then pulled me in for a hug. I wanted to stay in that embrace forever. I actually felt safe there. He kept whispering that he was sorry he doubted me and that I was brilliant. I could only smile into the hug and enjoy the sensation. I made an effort to enjoy sensations when I could really feel things. Because feeling was a part of living, and I needed to live now that I had to. I knew the other Charlie would have wanted that for me.

We finally pulled apart and I showed him the guest bedroom. I said goodnight and walked to my own bedroom for a nights rest. I had work in the morning, the months were closing in and I would need to have more than a prototype for the president ready in the next few months.

I put my head on my pillow and tried to catch some sleep.

As most nights I woke up panicking and screaming, once again it was for them to get off me. It was always all too real. I had a reoccurring dream after the victory tour. It was all of the other tributes. They were angry and gathered however maimed and bloody they were and guilted me for being alive. Then ripped at me some of them saying they were gonna drag me down to hell themselves. That was usually when I woke up panicking and scream for them to get off me.

Normally I would turn on my light and lie there for a while trying to calm down. Other nights Beetee or Wiress would come over, either because they could not sleep either, or because I had screamed loud enough to walk them.

This time a light turned on and Charlie stood on the door, looking sweaty and scared at me.

I knew he was just concerned but the look on his face saddened me. I hated when I woke other people up. I had enough to deal with on my own, being guilty for ruining other peoples sleep were just the cherry on top.

He looked at me for approval, slowly and carefully he moved to the bed and sad down beside me.

He swiftly pulled me into a small hug and let me quietly calm down while he hugged me.

Eventually I sat up and he smiled slight at me, looking a little relieved that I was okay.

"You okay pip-squeak?" He asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, nightmares happens a lot. I am sorry if I woke you." I said and he just shrugged.

"No worries. Wanna tell me what it was about?" He asked and I could feel the color drain from my face. I knew I probably should tell him. But this was highly personal, and I had a feeling he would not understand them. They were always this horrible, no one but other victors could understand what I was feeling. I still loved Charlie but he would never understand what I had gone through.

After sitting in silence for a moment starring stunned at him I quietly shook my head. He just smiled kindly at me. He and Bill had taken care of my nightmares when I was little, but this was different. This was actual night terrors and these would never stop. These were not some monster chasing me, this was real, and I could never stop this.

"Okay pipsqueak, go back to bed okay? I will stay until you're asleep. I will protect you from whatever is haunting you." He said kindly and I smiled at him. I knew his intentions were good, and his words actually did make me feel better. But I knew deep down he could never protect me from my own demons. And never from these demons.

I lied down again and tried to go to sleep again. He slowly started stroking my hair in a comforting manner.

"Thank you." I muttered out just barely making a sound. He smiled at me and shook his head.

"No worries. But next time, tell me you have nightmares okay? I figured you had some but I had no idea this bad." He said sounding worried pausing in his sentence.

"It's alright though. I know now, and I want to help you. Nothing can hurt you right now okay? I wont let it."

This was of course a lie, everything could hurt me. And he would not be around to protect me forever. But at that moment I was still young and naive. So I believed him, and fell asleep.

The boys stayed with me a for a few months, not interfering with my work. They were out most of the day and still did their dealings with Loke. It was however nice to have them for dinner every night. Beetee and Wiress would still join every now and then. They actually got along very well, it was very nice to see. I had a lot less nightmares with Charlie putting me to bed every night and staying till I was a sleep.

I could also feel myself being a little happier.

That was until the awful day came. Once again it was reaping day. Our alarm system was ready and I had the override code that I needed to give to the boys before I left for reaping and afterwards the capitol.

I had no idea how to feel today, what was I gonna do or say? They were just scared kids some of them might even be older than me. How was I supposed to teach them anything?

I did not want to watch any more kids get killed, but I knew that this was the game. Plus there was the added pressure of the president wanting to see my product.

I woke up that morning in a sour mood. The boys were allowed to stay here during the games as well. But I was a little scared about the peacekeepers kicking them out when they were not my actual family.

I got dressed in one of the dresses Cinna had given me. I even put my unruly red curls up so I looked presentable. I hated looking in that mirror. I looked so much older now, I looking nothing like the scared 16 year old I actually was. I looked tough, but also very tired.

I went down stairs and ate breakfast with the boys. I waited around for Bill to sneak in through the back. I had advised him to since there would probably be cameras on me, me being the latest victor and all.

He came in and I was relieved when he said he had not been seen.

He sat down not wanting any breakfast. I cut straight to business, once I went to the capitol these alarmsystems would be put in place. I wanted them to know the code and spread the word before that happened. Just in case I had to stay after they were put in place.

"Look, as I told you, President Snow is forcing me to make an alarm system for all of the important buildings in Panem. As my contribution as tribute. I have done this with you guys in mind of course. I never want anything bad to happen to any of you." I said with a small pause, I watched Bill and Dodger nod understanding. I was scared they would be angry with me, but they seemed to understand me. Charlie of course already knew all of this, he just gave me a small encouraging nod.

"There is an override code, no matter what the owner put as code. That code deactivates the alarm." I said once again pausing to make sure we were all on the same page. They stayed silent.

"The code is Daisy." I said quietly and this earned me a small smile from all of them. They knew why I chose this. It would have been to obvious to go with my name, the president might figure it out. But a seemingly random word he would never suspect. They of course knew that this daisy meant my mothers daisy.

"Isn't the panels number padded, how do we do it then?" Charlie asked, being the only one to actually see the system and I nodded.

"Yes it is, the letters are corresponding for letters, like when you use the telephone. The D is a 3, the A is a 2, the I is a 4, S is 7 and Y is 9." I said and they all nodded understanding.

We sat around talking about who to tell this information to, and I showed them how to do it.

Eventually Beetee came and told me that it was time for me to go. I hugged all of them goodbye. I knew it could be the last time I saw them. Normally no one lived too long in our profession. They all left through the back and I walked out front and met with Beetee and Wiress.

The alarm was already on the train, now we just had to get through this god forsaken reaping. I took Wiress hand and she smiled at me, I smiled back.

"You should be happy, you get to sit your first year out." I said and she nodded giving my hand a small kiss.

I would be really sad to leave her here in district 3, and go with Beetee to the capitol alone. But I also wanted nothing more than to see that woman happy, and that would mean not going to the capitol yet again.


	15. Chapter 15

We walked slowly into the middle of town square, a few of the parents glared at me. Some I knew was for the usual reason, because I used to be a thief. There were also some new looks that looked at me hateful. I understood that today. Not only was there a chance that their kid was gonna be sent into the arena and killed. I could have a say in whether they lived or died. I understood they were sad and not really angry at me. But all of us knew, that because I won last year, there would be a lot of attention on their children. That also painted a huge target on their child's back.

This time it was weird walking through the crowds of scared children. Right then I wanted to break down. Seeing their innocent and scared faces. Two of them would probably die and it would be partly my fault. Adding to the growing number of guilt for people I had killed. People that had to die, and I had to continue living with it. I could feel myself retreating into my own mind again.

I stopped looking at them, I looked at the girls I knew. I could be standing there with them right now. But instead I already knew what horrors they were gonna face were they picked. I could feel myself starting to panic. One of my old friends smiled at me. It comforted me for a moment, that was until she turned into a menacing grin like the girl from two had had.

I stopped and I could feel everything start to blur into each other. The silence that was always at the reaping became deafening. Suddenly I felt two hands grab mine.

I looked at Wiress and Beetee who had each taken one of my hands. They were slowly making me walk. Wiress smiled at me and slowly hugged me. Beetee leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"You need to smile for the cameras. Just focus on our hands, and it will be over soon." He whispered.

I took a deep breath and Wiress let go of me, so now she was only holdning my hand. I put on my game face. I pushed everything bad, all thoughts and feelings back. We walked to the stage still holding hands. I hoped this just looked like we were showing that we were a united front. They had to let me go, so we all could shake the majors hand.

I put a smile on my face as I did. I knew it was not his fault that all of this was happening. I knew his kids would also be in the reaping. We sat down and Tiffy walked out on stage. She said hallo to the major as well. Then hugged Beetee, Wiress and I. She looked at me with a sad look. I had no idea why, but I could feel something was off.

I had an idea of what it could be. Either Snow was gonna hate the alarm system or had figured out that I had built in the override code. Or something else, something much much worse. I knew something was bad when our ever cheerful capitol woman looked at me sad.

I put on a comforting smile telling her that I would be okay. We sat down as she walked to the microphone. I grabbed Wiress and Beetees hand as she proceeded as usual. Only today she mentioned a congratulations to me.

I smiled and waved grateful to the cameras. This was of course all an act that was in no way how I felt about winning.

As the ceremony went on I could feel the anger growing inside of me. I wanted to protect the people I loved, that was the only reason I had played along. But I hated these people. Not only did I not get to live in peace. I would have to watch every year as they slaughtered more children. Every year I would have to watch kids get killed.

I almost flinched as they proceeded to the name picking. I managed to keep my facade up and kept starring dead ahead. I did not want to see this, I did not want to see who I would have to watch die.

I smiled my first real smile in this thing at them. But both they and I knew that this was a pity smile. This was a smile that told them how sorry I was that I was not gonna be able to save them.

While they got to say goodbye to their families, we went to say goodbye to Wiress.

On one hand I was actually worried if she was gonna be alright without us there. But she just smiled and nodded. I hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her go. I owed her everything, I wanted her to be happy, to get peace, now that she could finally get off this god forsaken train.

But I had no idea what I was gonna do without her. She was a nice constant in my life. She smiled at me as we pulled apart, she held my face in her hands for a moment. Then she kissed my forehead and I could feel some happy tears creep up. She pulled away from me and I wiped my tears away still smiling. I watched Beetee and Wiress hug each other goodbye. They had been each others everything for a while. I smiled seeing them both happy and alive. It really comforted me.

After they had a little private moment and said their goodbyes. She took my hand and still held Beetee. She squeezed our hands and smiled at us truly happy. I understood, she would finally go year without watching children die.

We separated and we walked onto the train. I knew our tributes were probably being transported here as we walked in. Tiffy raved about how this years colours was emerald and gold. Everybody loved my dress from the tributes ball. Everyone was wearing that in the capitol. I chuckled one because I was actually to my own surprise happy to see her. But also because after all we had been through she still thought that Beetee and I gave a rats ass about what was in at the capitol.

Tiffy raved about how she could not wait to meet our new tributes. They were both around 16 which was gonna be an advantage. I could feel the guilt build inside me already. I hated this I could not think about their wellbeing right now. Everything was too much for me. Having to see this all over again.

I smiled kindly at them and told them I would go to the back of the cart for a while. Beetee looked at me concerned for a moment, but we shared a look that told him that I was gonna be okay. After that he nodded and I smiled slightly at him as a thank you.

He had already told me that it was okay if I needed time to get used to the mentoring.

I went to the back as the train started moving. I felt into a trance looking at the landscape that was gliding past me. It was nice, I felt calm for the first time in a while. I knew that I should not be, but right now looking out at the beauty that unfolded. Not even Snow could hurt me right now. Everything was just calm.

Eventually I was ripped from my thoughts and Beetee walked in. He looked at me concerned but said nothing before sitting down beside me.

"You okay?" He said and I smiled and nodded.

"I think I can do this." I said trying to be confident. He smiled at me and shrugged.

"Just remember that it is not your fault if they don't make it." He said and I nodded.

I knew in the end it would never be up to me. It would be the sponsors, game makers, other tributes, their own or bad lucks fault. But I could not help taking a little bit of the blame on my shoulder.

However I knew I should try pushing that out of my head for now. I would definitely be to blame if I did not help them.

"So what do we have to work with?" I asked and he looked at me smirking.

He knew the look I had in my eyes meant that I was focused and ready to do everything in my power. I had probably had the same look in my eyes when we first discussed tactics. I flinched a little at that thought but pushed it out of my head.

It was not about me anymore, it was about these two children, and how to keep them alive. It was not about me or how I felt. I needed to focus on that.

We ate dinner and I got to know our tributes, Kate and Jasper. They were nice, had actually known each other their whole lives. Kate was from a pretty rich family, and Jasper was from a badder part of town. He was not from my kind of bad part of town, but the level above it. However their parents had been friends and so were they. It was kind of heartwarming. I loved seeing them talk the way they did.

They wanted to be trained together which was fine. Beetee and I did however ask if we could make separate strategies for them too. Just in case something went wrong.

They agreed, but still talked and laughed about during dinner. It was strange to see, nice but strange. Sort of like it had not hit them yet that they were gonna die.

I knew we would eventually have to tell them that. I also knew we would eventually have to ask a very hard question. However right now I did not want to ruin the mood. So I let them have their fun. Beetee which I was thankful for on their behalf. Did break the mood to teach them a little about how to survive. I chirped in with what I knew from my games.

We sat and watched the other districts reaping. I smiled when I saw Finnick on the screen when it turned to district four. He was nice and I was still thankful for what he had done for me. The smile grew slightly as I saw Mags on the screen.

I leaned in and whispered to Beetee:

At least we get to see the other victors again.

He smiled and nodded at me. "It is usually what I look most forward to when going. I have some catching up to do too. I spent all of my spare time training you last year you know?" He whispered.

I smiled at him thankfully. I had no idea that he had done that for me. I did not think it was something he always did. We watched the rest of the reaping and then sent the kids to bed. We sat around talking tactics for a while before we went to bed as well.

The next morning I walked into the dining cart and was met by the rest of the passengers. I smiled at them and gathered some food before sitting down. The kids were as usual talking about something and smiling. It was a little too wide for my taste. But right now I wanted to preserve it. They needed the attitude and chemistry to charm the capitol.

They did just that. The smiled and waved as we left the cart. The capitolians still went wild for me and I just put on my now normal fake smile. I was happy when we finally arrived at the training center.

Beetee were sending the kids off to the stylists and I stood in the lobby waiting for him.

I hugged Haymitch as he came in with his tributes. They both looked completely worn down. That was usually the case with district 12 tributes. He smiled and told me I was welcome to come and drink with him any time. I nodded and told him I might just take him up on that.

I hugged a few other victors I knew as well. Most of them were nice and we stood around small talking for a while.

I was ripped from my thoughts, when I heard female screams outside. I was immediately alerted and got ready to fight whatever was happening. Haymitch laughed at my reaction and I looked at him confused.

"Don't worry sweetheart. Those screams don't mean that no one is in danger. That is just how capitol woman react when Finnick arrive." He said smirking and I almost snorted.

He was nice and all, but how the hell did they know that? They only knew him as this arrogant smug facade that he put up. I mean sure he was good looking, but I would not scream seeing him. I could feel my face scrounge in disgust of this. God I hated capitol women.

Finally the man of the hour walked in, he was eating an apple and looking like he did on camera. Annoying.

He smirked as he stopped in front of me and also greeted Haymitch. Then he turned his attention to me who was still not into this version of Finnick.

"Hello again Nova." He said sounding smug and taking a bite out of his apple. I sighed and smiled at him.

"Hello to you too Finnick. How is it going?" I asked and his face changed from smug to a proper smile.

"I'm good, we have a career this year. So that should be fun!" He said the last thing sarcastically, I chuckled slightly at that.

"Arrogant?" I asked and his eyes widened and he nodded emphasising the yes. I chuckled and shrugged.

"That is usually the case with you careers isn't it?" I said smirking knowing I had playfully dissed him, he smirked and shook his head at me.

He pulled me in for a hug, and I wrapped my arms around him as well. It was very comforting, but I could feel something was off.

"Meet me on the roof later, we need to talk." He whispered seriously, after that I could feel him slip me something.

We pulled apart and I looked at him confused and he shook his head slightly. Still smiling but I knew there was something behind. Something he was not telling me. I had a feeling that we were either being watched or he was extremely paranoid. I would however see him on that roof tonight. I nodded slightly as a way of telling him silently that I understood. I understood that apparently this was not the time nor place.

Beetee returned but before we could relax for a few hours before the parade an avox came and handed me a note. I smiled kindly at it. It was a message telling me to go to the presidents mansion. I looked at Beetee worried but he smiled at me kindly. Silently telling me that this was gonna be okay.

* * *

I knew this alarm system was good, we had worked so hard on it. But there was still a slight chance that he did not like it. Or he was still mad about my empathy for Charlie in the arena. I played the good little soldier up until now, so I hoped that made me safe. But I had no idea if I was gonna face consequences for this.

I went to a car and they told me that they had already put the alarm in the trunk. I sat there in silence worried sick.

Beetee could not go with me this time. He had to stay to help our tributes. I understood that, but I would have been a lot more calm with him here.

I walked in through the big garden with the white roses in them. They were somewhat off putting for some reason.

I sat waiting in this room that was too clean for my taste. Everything was so perfect it was sickning. That was probably because I knew the reason he could have things this perfect was because he killed children once a year. Because he had starved some districts so he could have it better.

I could feel the anger bubble inside me, but knew that like with Finnick, that this was not the time or the place to do this.

I was told to come in and the doors were opened for me. I entered his office and there he was looking at me. He smiled but it was like everything else here off putting. I had a really bad feeling about this, like something was very wrong. That he was still mad about the arena, but had not found any family he could kill yet. This actually made me panic, because Dogder and Charlie lived with me right now. He might know about them and kill them. I took a deep breath and put on a fake smile trying to conceal my fear, anger and general panic.

"Thank you for coming ms. Hyde" He said and I smiled in return, slightly shrugged in response, trying to say, no trouble.

I love visiting the person who is the cause of all of my misery, who can kill all of the people I love with the snap of his finger. But no no it is no trouble.

"I hope you have something nice with you." He said and I nodded opening the suitcase containing the technology.

"I hope so too sir." I said and picked up a few things.

I began explaining how I figured I knew a lot about how to disarm an alarm, so I made an alarm that cannot be disarmed.

I continued to present to him how this worked. I looked at him trying to see if he liked it once I was done presenting it to him. He looked at me expressionless and took a deep breath. I could feel myself already spiralling. It did not matter that Charlie and Dogder had gotten the override code yesterday morning if they were dead soon. He put me out of my misery and smiled slightly.

"Excellent work ms Hyde. I expected something like this from you. I will make sure we put it into production immediately. Heck, I will even have it installed here as well." He said the last thing as a threat. I figured it was so he could make sure I had made this alarm by the book. This made me freak out since I knew he would eventually probably figure out the override code. I again smiled and nodded at him. I needed to keep the facade up for now.

"One more thing ms Hyde." He said making me turn back to face him once again. He looked at me menacing and I was scared shitless, then he snapped his fingers. I was scared I was about to see someone get executed because I had done a bad job. But instead a gift appeared on his desk. I looked at him confused.

"A gift, to express gratitude from the capitol for this. Also happy birthday." He said I was confused about this but just smiled and thanked him.

I was thankful when I could leave and spent the most of the car ride back to the training center in complete shock. I was happy that he liked the alarm, but panicked and confused about this gift.

I put it in my room for later and left to go to the parade hall. I needed to find Beetee and tell him about all of this.


	16. Chapter 16

I walked into the parade backstage and met up with Beetee. He looked at me concerned but did not comment. We turned to our two tributes, Cinna was too busy with capitol orders to be a stylist again this year. They had some new stylists, this was gonna be a bad year, I could already tell. The new stylists had dressed them in all metal, in different shapes. It did nothing to enhance their figures, and honestly made them look like scrap metal. I looked at them and nodded, we had decided to go a different approach this year. Beetee and I was gonna sell the cute best friends. It was not the strongest strategy, but they had practically insisted on it. I smiled at them and gave them a small nod. With that they both stepped on the carriage and I looked to Beetee.

"Smile, you have never been happier in your lives okay? If all else fails just joke about with each other, and wave. Alright?" He said and they nodded holding hands already.

I could tell they were a little nervous, and I wanted to comfort them.

"Just have fun, they are all happy to see you, remember that." I said and they smiled at me.

The carriages started moving and I smiled encouraging at them. It left my features the second they were out of that gate.

I looked at Beetee and he looked back at me concerned and questioning. I took a deep breath and got ready to tell him about my meeting with Snow.

"He liked the alarm. However he did also say he was gonna install it in his own mansion. I am scared he will punish us harshly if he figures out theres an override code." I said looking at him scared, as I was.

There was no reason to hide my feelings from Beetee. I was scared shitless and I wanted him to know if things went south. He put a small smile on his face and his hands on both my shoulders. This was all as a means to comfort me, and it worked.

"That is good news. We hid the override code well, if for some reason he figures it out, we will figure it out. No need to be worried. Right now we just need to focus on keeping those two alive. Okay?" He said and I nodded and smiled at him.

He gave my shoulders a small squeeze and we turned out attention to the parade, we sadly started paying attention right at the beginning of Snow's speech.

"Good evening tributes. We welcome you, and hope you enjoy the privilege you have been given. Today we celebrate your sacrifice in this 68th annual hunger games. And may the odds be ever in your favour." He said and looked menacing at the camera.

I almost flinched at this speech, this seemed to be directed at me. He knew something was off, and he was still pissed about Charlie. I looked to Beetee worried, sadly this time, he was not quick enough to conceal his own worry. After Haymitch, none of the victors stepped out of line.

I tried to look elsewhere than Beetee, but my eyes landed on Finnick. He was looking at me this whole time looking just as scared. I tried to slowly tell him, that I was okay for now, and that I would see him later.

He apparently understood my look and nodded slowly. I looked away, not wanting to see his hurt face. For some reason I felt a little sad seeing him like that. I looked further away and my eyes met Haymitches, he looked at me more calmly and just casually cheered me on. I smiled a little and turned back to Beetee who had now composed himself.

"We will be fine Beetee. Tonight is not about me. It is about them." I said and he nodded.

I turned my attention back to the screen, and saw Kate and Jasper smiling and waving cutely holdning hands. They were doing great. Sadly with bad costumes and a little to cute looking, they were bland compared to the tributes. I noticed Finnicks, their costumes were tacky as well, but you could definitely see that they were careers.

They came back through the gate, I put a smile on my face, and congratulated my tributes as the got off the carriage.

We got back up stairs, and had dinner. We small talked and instructed them on what to do in tomorrows training.

None of them had a weaponry skill, however they were both very technical. They needed to use that, but they also needed to hide that, and learn survival skills instead. They would die in hand to hand combat with a career, even if they started training now, so it was no use.

They went to bed and we stayed up to see how our tributes had done in the parade. Ceasar sadly only seemed to notice district 3 because of me. Mentioning, that this years tributes were very different. Different in this case sadly meant bad.

* * *

We were sitting around chatting when Tiffy came over and scolded me. I looked up at her confused.

"Why do you leave your present lying around? Making a mess of our apartment." She raved, and my eyes widened as I looked from her to the present then to Beetee.

"Where did you get that Nova?" He asked quietly, but definitely scared.

"I forgot, president Snow got me this, as gratitude from the capitol, and late birthday present." I said quietly knowing I should have told him about this long ago.

He looked at it horrified, but tried to keep calm. He looked me in the eyes and shook his head quietly.

"Ten minutes, upstairs." He said calmly and left.

I had no idea where he was going, but I knew this was bad. Really really bad. Sadly I also knew this would mean our tributes this year would have a terrible death. This was yet another punishment for what I had done.

Tiffy kept commenting confused, but I really did not want to explain all of this to her. She was from here, there was no way she would understand what was happening.

I just got up from the sofa, told her we would explain later, and took the present from her. I then went to the elevator and pressed the 13th floor. Obviously there was no one there, so I walked through the empty apartment and found a back staircase leading to the roof. I figured the president had everywhere else monitored day and night. This was probably the only place besides the shower that we could speak freely.

I stood there in the cold air. I enjoyed it a little, it somehow cleared my head this light cold breeze. I turned on my heel at the immediate noise from behind me. I was ready to attack whoever it was, but calmed down when I saw Finnick. He did not look good, he looked scared as hell.

"Beetee told me to come up, are you okay? What did Snow want from you?" He asked looking at me concerned, but also like he was trying to read me.

"After the victors ball, he asked me to contribute to the capitol. I had to show him the alarm that we had built." I said and he pulled me in for a hug and his entire body seems to let out a sigh.

"Good, hopefully, he won't ask you, or at least wait until you're 18." He said and I pulled back looking at him confused.

"What is this offer Finnick. It must be something horrible, since letting your family die is the better option." I said and he looked like he could break down then and there, but kept it together.

We seperated, but stayed close as Beetee and Haymitch came up on the roof. They both looked at me concerned. I nodded at them and we stood around in a little circle. I could smell the alcohol on Haymitch, but he seemed to have sobered up for this.

"So what are we doing here?" He asked and I took the present out, it was a normal sized box and I had no idea what it could be.

They all seemed to share a small look, before turning it back to me and nodding. I slowly loosened the ribbon and folded the paper our. There was a small box inside, I opened the lid, and inside was a picture frame. It was in the box from behind, with a small note from Snow attached, I held it up to read it.

 _Ms. Hyde_

 _If you do or already do anything, that is not in Panems best interest._

 _I know who they are._

 _Happy birthday._

 _President Snow_

This was no doubt a threat. I looked up at them horrified, before lifting the picture out of the box, I turned it too see who was on it. I looked at it horrified and threw the picture away from me, stumbling backwards.

This is not right. He knew who Charlie, Dogder and Bill was. If I did anything bad, or he found out about this override I was dead. Finnick was immediately at my side slowly comforted me as I hyperventilated, in shock and horror.

He shushed me and held me until I had calmed down a little. They would die because of me. I could try and stay the capitols darling, but there was no certainty. Once I did something wrong they were dead. And that would be undoubtedly my fault. I looked at Finnick whose eyes calmed me down a little, but offered me no solution. He got me standing again and Beetee and Haymitch stood with the picture in their hand, with the now broken glass.

There did not seem to be anything to say or do about this. Haymitch offered me a drink off his flask, which I took. Normally Beetee would have scolded me for drinking. But this was different times. He knew I needed anything that would calm my nerves right now. He even took a swig from it himself.

After standing around for a little while we started moving off the roof. There was no solution standing there. I would just have to accept that Charlie, Dogder and Bill were gonna die, because of me.

Their blood would undoubtedly be on my hands.

Finnick stopped me on the way down and hugged me slowly. I could feel myself slowly start to sob and he let me, even if the tears stained his shirt. We stood there, until I was out of tears. There was no use crying right now. I could only do my best to behave, and then try and keep them alive as long as possible.

We finally left the roof and I went down to bed. Tiffy tried to talk to me, but I ignored her, and a strong look from Beetee told her to shut up.

I was quiet over the next few days. Not really knowing what to do with myself anymore. The tributes were at training, and I could not focus on anything right now. Just trying to mourn the inevitable death of my friends. And the literal death threat that I had just received on their behalf.

I honestly spent most of my time in the victors lounge. We could watch the tributes train, we hung out and it was actually quite fun. I spent most of my time there drinking with Haymitch. Beetee looked at me concerned but did not say anything those days. He knew I needed to cope with this any way I could.

I loved drinking with Haymitch, we scared a cynicism now that was a nice defence mechanism.

* * *

I was so out of my own mind, I do not even remember the kids test scores. I remember Beetee shaking his head at me. I liked drinking like this, I could sleep the entire night. I would still have nightmares, now it would also feature Charlie and Dodger, but I would only wake up screaming in the morning.

Beetee demanded that I stayed sober for their interviews, and I did as promised. We spent our entire day schooling them. How to walk and talk. They were both naturally charming. This would have given them a great chance any other year. But because of me, they had a big target painted on their backs. I also did not like that they had become friends with a district 1 tribute.

On one hand it kept them off their back. On the other hand I could just be a ruse to paint a big target on them.

They did well in their interviews and sold their story well. But I was scared it was not enough.

We sat at dinner and they still joked around. I had no idea how they had stayed this way. It was like they had not yet realised that they were probably gonna die tomorrow. That all of this glamour was just preparing them to kill each other.

"I actually heard Lina from two, talk about Nova. I think she went a little over the line, did you hear her? That girl that won last year, she was so weak, I mean who cries over another tribute dying." Kate said imitating the last part.

That part I sadly for them did overhear. I immediately stood up from the table and slammed my cutlery down on the table. Tiffy was about to protest, but right now I was too hurt and too pissed to care.

"You clearly haven't realised this yet, but that girl might kill you tomorrow. You have no idea what it is like in those games. But if I were you two, I would right now, start getting used to the fact, that you're probably gonna die in there." I said angry taking a small pause.

Their looks had changed from cheerful to a little bit scared.

"And you two might be best friends now, but once you go into that arena, that might be over. You two think you know everything? If both of you get to the finale, which one of you is gonna have to stab the other to win?" I yelled.

I was about to continue, but I was stopped by Beetee clearing his throat. We all looked at him, but he was looking dead at me. I looked back to them, knowing what I had done was wrong. I nodded at him and without another word I left the room.

I knew I should not have told them that, but I was too hurt and angry right now to care.

I needed to let off some steam. I would apologise to them later. It was true everything I had told them. But it was not right for them to get told like that. It was not completely their fault I snapped either. I was angry at that comment. Sad that they even had to go into this. Scared and furious about the threat that was now hanging over my family's head. An on top of that they seemed so content with going into this. I was breaking apart a little again. But this time it wasnt guilt and sadness and that consumed me. This time it was fear and anger. I wanted to hurt the real enemy here, president Snow.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Hey, its been a little while since i updated and I am sorry, I have honestly just been busy. I hope I can update a bit more in the future. Until then please let me know what you think?

* * *

I did apologise to them later that night. Told them what I had said was wrong, and that I should not have broken their hope. They smiled at me, and seemed weirdly content with all of this.

Kate even smiled from me to Jasper and said:

"I knew the minute we got reaped that we might die. But I wanna live as much as I can, while I still can. With the people I love."

I was a little touched by this, and I actually liked her way of thinking. It got my thoughts off of Charlie and Dogders probable death. I would try to enjoy the time I did have with them, while I could.

I joined Beetee in the victors lounge afterwards. He smiled kindly at me and gave me a small hug.

"They alright?" He simply asked and I smiled and nodded.

"They will be just fine." I said and he smiled back at me.

He poured me a drink, without alcohol, but I did not mind that at the moment. I should get that drinking under control for now. We sat down with some other tributes and played cards with them. This was nice and felt safe. I liked being in the victors lounge it reminded me of our gamling back at Loke's. The other victors probably noticed too, since their newest member knew how to play cards. I liked the victors I played with, or rather beat.

Finnick sat down beside me and smirked at me a little later that night. He looked like a man on a mission, and also excited like a teenager who was about to sneak out. Like in those old movies we had watched at school. I raised my eyebrow at him.

For once I would love to be like those movies, living freely, going to school, their biggest worries being if their friends liked them, or a boy liked them. Not whether or not the government would put you in a slaughter competition, and if you won, whether or not that same government would kill your family.

"You wanna do something that isn't for old people?" He whispered to me smirking and I considered it for a moment before saying fuck it, nodding back and smirking.

I wanted to forget who I was for a night, and just be like those people in the movies. Free to have fun. Not worrying about my family being killed, because of me.

* * *

He grabbed my hand and we got up and he practically dragged me out of the victors lounge.

We ran across the training center and in to the capitols streets. Everything there was so pretty, so many lights and colours and happy people walking around these clean streets. I felt so out of place in this wondrous place. I was a little happy running down the street with Finnick. I loved the parades and everything else we ran past. It made me forget all this horror and all of the terrible things these people did. We were what I imagined was across town before we stopped, we stood for a moment smiling at each other catching our breaths.

I understood why we had to run, Finnick and I was celebrities to these people. Everyone would like at my victors party want to talk to us.

I looked around, this was a weird part of town. None of the buildings were bright or colorful. It was darker tones, but it still looked welcoming. Finnick stood up again and smiled at me putting his hand out for me to take. I smiled up at him.

"Ready for some adventure Nova?" He asked and I chuckled and took his hand once again.

We could walk in this lesser populated part of town. There was a lot of small shops with all of these amazing different things. We walked through hand in hand I looked at all of them with awe.

We finally walked into a big house with tinted windows. I looked at it suspiciously but trusted Finnick not to take me to a crack den.

Once we got inside there were a lot of lights and I smiled at him in both happiness and confusion. There were a lot of old machines, a lot of them lighting up, all around. Music blasting, a smell of something I could not quite place but it was nice.

"Welcome to funland. This one capitolian was obsessed with old arcade games, so he rebuild and bought a lot of them. We get these tickets and then we can play all of these games. What do you want to do first?" He asked smiling at me.

I looked around and dragged him to this one machine that looked fun. We fought with laser guns, danced on these plates to some very old and weird music. Played these weird games one as a plummer jumping over things. I beat Finnick in some of them which I was happy about.

It was actually a lot of fun. We got lost in this little corner of our fucked up world. I finally understood the appeal of the tinted windows. That way you could really forget what a sad world we really lived in. How the only reason this was possible was because the man who made it was from here, and had money while other people starved. That we were only able to be here and afford this because we had killed people, and were here to help other kids kill each other.

Right now I felt like we could be the kids from those old movies. Having fun, not caring about the horrible situations their ancestors would eventually end up as.

Finnick was livid when he found out that I had never tried popcorn. Which is the smell that I smelled apparently. We finished our current game and I grabbed us a table while he went to get us some popcorn and a milkshake. Apparently it was something people in the past did. He put a drink that was a weird white consistence and some white and yellow weirdly shaped things in front of me.

He sat in front of me excitedly and waited for me to taste my first popcorn. I grabbed one, and it had a very weird consistency to it. It was warm and a little bit like flamingo. I was a little scared but Finnick encouraged me. I sighed before popping the popcorn in my mouth. It was weird and salty, but tasted nice. I smiled and he cheered knowing that I liked it.

He also took out two straws so that we could share the milkshake. I took a gulp it was super sweet and cold. I liked it a lot as well. I imagine that we looked very weird with our popcorn and sometimes we would drink from the milkshake at the same time. Our faces would be really close, but it was fun. I liked it when we were this close.

We talked and laughed, not about the games, never about any of that. I was truly lost in this other world. I wished that I would never have to go back to the real and shitty world.

Right now it was just Finnick and I, two teenagers having fun. Forgetting all about the bloodbaths that brought us together.

I felt a lot closer to him as we walked back to the training center. We were scolded by the peacekeepers when we got back for leaving without their permission. But I just shrugged it off. I did not give a damn about the peacekeepers. They had made mine and a lot of other peoples lives miserable. Besides what was there to worry about? We were in the capitol, all capitolians love us victors.

I hugged Finnick in the elevator and he sighed hugging me back. It was nice, I was normally not a hugger, but I wanted to thank him for all of this. He had truly made me forget how shitty our real life was and I was bloody thankful.

We let go and he sighed as walked out of the elevator and saw a peacekeeper standing there with a piece of paper. He looked back at me and I gave him a sad smile.

No matter where we would run to, no matter how lovely our little escape was. We would always have to go back here. To this horrible world I wish there was something I could do to change it.

But I was their puppet now, it was over for me.

I pressed the button for the third floor, and was greeted by a smiling Beetee. I looked at him confused, and looked around to see if I could see our tributes, before sitting beside him on the couch. Tiffy was also there but she was talking about the tributes lack of manners or something.

Beetee leaned into me, so that he could talk to only me.

"You have a fun time with Finnick?" He asked and I rolled my eyes but smiled.

"Yeah, we got lost for a bit." I just answered, Tiffy turned to us and looked at us hurt.

"Are you even listening to me?" She asked and I looked down a little embarrassed and shook my head, Beetee thankfully came to our rescue.

"Sorry Tiffy, I just wanted to know if Nova had a nice time with Finnick tonight." He said and her eyes went so wide I thought they were about to burst.

"Oh my poor girl, are you alright?" She asked half hugging me, I looked at Beetee utterly confused, and he just chuckled at our little display. He totally knew what he was doing, when he said that.

"That boy sleeps around so much. I mean sure a lot of them are orders, but god I heard from one of my friends, that he actually enjoys it. I do not want your poor little heart to be broken by such a… a…. Manwhore" She said and I chuckled looking at her confused.

"Okay." I said in-between laughter.

She could clearly not see what was so funny, since she kept smothering me. She kept this up for about an hour and I felt like I was going insane. I hated being smothered and cuddled. I was a strong young independent girl, who had not only gone by on her own on the streets of district three, but I was also a survivor of the hunger games. It was almost absurd that this capitolian, still believed that I could be broken by some boy or something. I had enough trauma to last me a lifetime. A boyfriend breaking my heart is the least of my concerns.

I felt like I was going insane with her constant cuddling, I eventually wiggled myself out of her tight grip and stood up.

"I am going to go." I simply said having had enough, she still looked at me concerned.

"Where are you going young lady?" She asked and I rolled my eyes feeling my inner teenager come out at that moment.

"I dont know Tiffy, maybe to bed. Or maybe I will go and fuck Finnick." I said sarcastically.

I smirked a little before turning around leaving Beetee to hear her rant about my manners. I was a little proud of my self for that comment. I thought she was about to faint as I said the Finnick part, it was amazing. I would probably get a small scolding from Beetee in the morning for that comment. But it was definitely worth it. What was better, it distracted me from everything else.

I could laugh at Tiffy's outrageous caring nature, and that made me forget why I was actually so fragile.

I did end up going to bed, sadly waking up with a nightmare, but got almost a whole nights sleep. Which was not something that happens often.

* * *

I woke up, and ate breakfast with Beetee, it was weird with our tributes not being there. I had gotten used to their lighthearted conversations in the morning. The mood this morning was quiet, too quiet. Beetee had seen it all before, but it was my first time. I knew that they would most likely die this week. Two kids who were so full of life, would die by some other childs hands. Then we would have to go home to district three, and not only look their families in the eyes when we went into town. Both them and us knowing that we did everything we could to save them. Right now I did not feel like I did everything I could to save them. I felt like their blood would also be on my hands. That those families would blame me for not doing more for their child. Then when the victory tour comes we will have to sit at a table with, and applaud who ever killed them.

I could feel myself getting sicker with every passing thought of their inevitable demise. I dropped my cutlery and wiped my fingers in my napkin. I could no longer eat anything at all, not knowing that those kids could die today and that it would be my fault.

I got up from the table and left the room. I had to get out of there, Beetee did not say anything as I left. I could hear Tiffy about to comment, but I imagine Beetee was the one to shut her up.

I walked through the training center having no idea where to go. Everywhere there were screens where the games would play as soon as they started. Ceasar was going through the tributes on a screen and I hated seeing those kids faces. I tried to shut everything out, I felt like this was all too much for me. I heard someone say my name, but I did not want to talk to anyone right now. I felt too guilty. Everyone that was close to me was gonna die, because of me. Charlie and Dodger had a target on their backs because of me. Kate and Jasper would have a target on their back because of me. I had killed people, 23 kids were already dead because of me. Because of this fucked up worked that we lived in. I eventually ended up in the gym, it had not been intentional to go there. But it seemed like a good idea as soon as I walked through that door. Sure the room was covered in TVs but now I could get my frustrations out.

I went to a punching bag and started punching, kicking and screaming at it. Every punch was for someone new. 23 for those who had to die in my games, a punch for Kate, punch for Jasper, a punch for Beetee, for Charlie, for Dodger, and for everyone else that would hurt because of me.

I had no idea how long I had been there, but I kept punching and kicking, and it felt so good. All of that anger, fear, regret and guilt came pouring out of me. I hated the capitolians, I hated president Snow, and I was scared shitless for everyone who was in this mess.

I was about to punch one more time pouring all of this hurt into that bag, hoping that by punching this bag it would somehow make it go away. It would never be truly okay, and I would never really be okay. But right now it felt like the only logical thing to do. Sweat was dripping from me and I could feel my muscles start to ache. I was about to throw this last punch when I heard a yell behind me. Right as I hit the bag, I heard my name being yelled. As soon as my hand left that punching back my knuckles had split open blood pouring out from them. I turned to see Finnick standing at the door looking at me concerned. For once I felt a little bit at peace, I was tired, drenched in sweat and bleeding, but I felt a little relieved. I smiled a genuine smile at him and he walked over to me, still looking concerned.

"You really mess up your hand Nova." He said plainly, not sounding mad or concerned but merely stating the fact. I nodded and shrugged.

"You should have seen the other guy." I replied sitting down on a bench. He chuckled and shook his head at me, stopping at a supply table before joining me on the bench. He took my hand and I flinched a little in pain but let him do it.

"You will get me and yourself in serious trouble one day." He said and I smiled and shrugged. I flinched as he started cleaning my badly bruised knuckles. It was a little weird I had barely noticed the pain in my hands before they bust open, but I could see a lot more small cuts on them.

Once he was done cleaning the wounds he started wrapping them up in this long band aid.

"Wanna tell me why you are kicking that punching bags ass?" He asked and I could feel a little of the contentment drain from me. I did not want to face all of this, this was a nice way to get all of my frustrations out, I simply shrugged.

"I felt like fighting something. You know because of all that shit that is going to happen today." I said and he did not look up but just kept wrapping my hand up. Once he had secured it he finally looked up at me.

"I get it. I hate this day too. Your freak out is childs play to my first mentor games." He said smiling kindly at me, it did comfort me a little that this was normal. I mean how could anyone ever get used to this thing? But I imagined that it got easier with time.

"Now lets go watch the beginning of this game. None of us want to, but we have to watch the beginning from a victors lounge, Presidents order." He said and I sighed not wanting to face this, and especially not face the president, that man had just put out a death threat on my best friends. How was I ever supposed to be civil in a room with him? We got up about to leave the gym when Finnick stopped and looked at me. There was no grin or anything, I could see that he was dead serious, none of that public Finnick persona.

"I get wanting to punch something, and I understand how hurt and horrible this all feels. I can't tell you that it gets better, because it doesn't, you just become more numb to it. But if there is one thing you need to know during all of this. It's: Remember who the real enemy is."


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: hello. So I have planned out how most of the story is gonna go. I actually really like this chapter especially the ending. But if you guys have any cool ideas I would love to hear or just if you enjoy it or hate it, just love hearing from you. Anyways enjoy.

* * *

Finnicks words stuck with me. The president did join us in the victors lounge, and I could feel myself starring at him. I tried not to show it, but I was angry. Anger just felt so good, it was so much better than numb and sad, anger, that was useful. The could be utilised. I had to hide it though, I needed to be smart about this, I had to hurt him in a clever way. Make sure that he no longer could hurt me.

I had to stay and watch the screens. I tried to stay in my own thoughts. Focus on the real enemy and not the atrocity that was happening on screen at that moment. I tried so hard, but every time the camera cut to either Kate or Jasper, I could not help but focus on them. Once the first bloodiest minutes was over. I smiled a little over at Finnick. Thankfully they had lived through the bloodbath. That gave them at least a fraction of a chance. He gave me a sad smile back. I knew I should not get my hopes up. Even the kids had accepted that they were going to die together. It was almost a little beautiful. Their friendship seemed to prevail through all of this shit.

I sighed and broke eye contact to look at the screen. Beetee walked over to me and squeezed my shoulder. I smiled at him and he nodded looking at me a little proudly.

"We got them through the bloodbath." He said with a small smile and I nodded. I could not help myself and hugged him. He hugged me back, for a small moment everything did not seem that dire. We pulled back and I took in a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.

"We need to go meet sponsors now. You think you can handle it?" He said looking me in the eyes concerned.

I gave a small smile, it was not a happy one but one meant to say I was okay. With that and a small nod. He sighed as well and put on his phoniest smile before we left the room.

* * *

We walked out of the training center into the capitol, there was a lounge across from the center, with a big bar and TV's. We walked around there and Beetee introduced me to a bunch of the capitolians there. I smiled and made polite conversations with all of them. I needed to make friends with these people to save kids lives. Not just this year but every year. We talked fashion I sometimes bit the inside of my lip in order to conceal my annoyance. They would ask me about my games, ask me about my strategy and why I had done certain things. I completely put on a facade. I told them things that were completely untrue. Like how I just wanted to win so badly, because I wanted to see this beautiful capitol again. How happy I was to get to go back every year. I told it like it was a dream come true, I put it on thick, even said sometimes I had to pinch myself to check that it was all real. It was only half a lie, it was a nightmare come to life.

I made nice with so many capitolians, after an hour I wanted to shoot myself in the head. This was a terrible crowd, I hated all of them.

I excused myself asking Beetee if he wanted something from the bar, even asking the capitolian if he wanted something. He was honoured apparently but said no. I was thankful, and left to get me and Beetee something. I was stopped a few times on the way. One time I was stopped by a little girl, she smiled up at me very excited dragging her father over to us.

"Daddy, look it's Nova. She was so amazing last year. I totally rooted for you!" She yelled excitedly.

I smiled back at her and then her dad and tried to hide my concern. This kid was barely 10 and was watching the games. That cannot be healthy. I got down to her level to say Hello. I figured if I made nice with her, her dad might sponsor us. Or if I go here for enough years maybe she will.

"What's your name then?" I asked smiling at her and her face lit up even more, even though I did not think that was possible. Her father looked me over before nudging her to tell me.

"Francesca De Lurentes." She said proudly, I actually genuinely smiled a little at that, she was a kid, it was not her fault she was growing up in this fucked up world. In a world that taught young girls like her to look up to someone like me, a killer.

"That is such a pretty name. I am glad you rooted for my last year." I said smiling at her, I had no idea what else to do. I did not want to break her heart. This was not her fault, and I knew one thing for certain, change starts with the youth.

"You were amazing. I loved the way you used those stakes. Did you really grow up in a den of thieves as the only girl?" She asked innocently.

Even though what she had just said was anything but innocent. She had just complimented me on how I killed people. Again, even though I hated the capitol I could not take it out on her. How would that ever change anything? It was not her fault that all of this was happening. I could just hope that her generation would learn from ours and cancel these horrid games. I pushed the thought of our unfair society out of my head and focused on her question. I gave her a small smile and nodded.

"Yeah, our leader was a guy named Loke, he was at least 100 years old! And then 4 boys who were older than me, and 3 younger ones. I was the only girl Loke ever adopted." I said smiling genuinely because of the memory of the life I used to have.

I wished it could all go away. I would rather be back starving on the street than have to go through all of this. She nodded and giggled at my answer. She was dressed in pink from head to toe, clearly wealthy.

"That is so cool! I have 6 brothers as well. I am the only girl too! They are so annoying right?" She asked and I chuckled a little and nodded. She had no idea how lucky she was. She would never know how lucky she was. The dad got down behind her and looked at me kindly. I was a little surprised, that is not something I expected from a capitolian.

"Now sweetie, I think Miss Hyde has more victor business to attend to. Besides you love you brothers don't you?" He said looking at her and she just shrugged.

"They keep stealing my stuff. So not at the moment!" She said and I smiled a little.

"They are just jealous. All the boys are. How about, if they ever annoy you, and I am around. No matter how busy I am just come tell me. I will make sure to tell them not to bother you anymore." I said smiling her face lit up in surprise.

"You would do that? For me?" She said and I just nodded slightly, her father looked at me surprised as well. I smiled slightly and put my hand on her shoulder.

"Us girls have to stick together right?" I said and she smiled and nodded.

I got up and her father thanked me, I just shrugged it off. He shook my hand before walking off with the girl who was waving back at me. I had no idea how to feel about that encounter. She was just a sweet innocent child, and she did not care about the bloodshed and horror the rest of us had to face. Her biggest concern was her brothers taking her toys. I was jealous, I did not want to hate her. But I at least hated her father. How could he bring a child into this horrible world? How could anyone just turn a blind eye to how terrible everyone in the districts were, and then make everyone watch as 23 of them killed each other every year. It was horrible. I walked over to the bar in order to catch my breath. I ordered a random drink and a water for Beetee. I turned from the bar and looked out on the crowd. All of these people were interacting with people they had previously put through hell. And we were all sucking up to them, so that they might spend some of their enormous wealth so that someone else might win. So that they could come here and suck up to them. These people may not be pulling the strings, but they payed to change the odds. I hated them. They were just as much to blame for this as the game makers and the president.

All of these people just stand by and watch as people are killed. That is bad enough in itself. But the fact that they are paying to make someone kill more, is absurd. The avox put the drink in front of me and I drowned it and asked for another one.

I needed to do something, I needed to somehow put a stop to this. I was dragged out of my train of thought by Finnick walking up to me at the bar. I rolled my eyes at him. I knew his public persona and I was not in the mood for that Finnick right now. I glared at him as he stood beside me. He had his usual cocky smirk on. However he motioned for me to come in closer so that he could whisper to me. I did as asked.

"It's horrible isn't it?" He asked and I sighed with a relieved smile. There was the real Finnick.

"I just talked with a little girl who said I was her idol. These people are terrible." I whispered back, I could see his arrogant grin widening.

"Uh, those are bad." He said hissing at the uh and I nodded.

We pulled apart slowly and I made eye contact with Beetee who motioned for me to come back there. I gave him a small nod and turned back to Finnick.

"Gotta go. I have to go charm people into helping kill kids." I whispered ending with a sarcastic smile, he chuckled and almost spit out his drink.

I grabbed both of mine and walked back to Beetee. We stood for a while talking with the capitolian as we watched the screen. My heart almost jumped as I saw Jasper and Kate. They had found each other. I had heard them earlier telling each other to go east until they found each other. I was happy to see them together, they shared a sweet moment as they were reunited. I was happy for them. I wished I had had that in there. Someone to depend on.

I looked to Beetee who smiled a little as well. We finished our conversation with the capitolian and started walking back to the center. We had been there for a few hours and had interacted with almost everyone. That should be enough for today. It was rare that anyone would sponsor someone on the first day. Needed to see what they were actually made off first.

* * *

"You did very good today. I saw you with that little girl too. You handled it well." He said quietly I nodded starring into space.

We got back to the training center and I tried to ignore the games, but it insisted on playing on every screen. Beetee also told me that unless it was the finale they would be asked to react or maybe comment on our tributes deaths. I looked at him horrified and he just smiled at me comforting.

"Don't worry. I will do most of the talking if we have to." He said giving my hand a small squeeze.

* * *

Kate and Jasper died the morning after. First Kate who woke up Jasper by screaming. The tribute from four had found them. He had first taken Kate who was trying to defend herself and he slit her throat. Jasper was angry and tried to fight him before Kate was killed, as she died he ran to her and cried as she died. She smiled and nodded telling him to do as he promised.

I watched in horror as it happened. He was crying his eyes out but then looked up at the tribute from four defiantly.

"Kill me you bastard. Kill me!" He yelled at the him.

The guy from four looked at him horrified, but Jasper did not flinch. The kid from four even looked a little scared. Jasper yelled at him again but the guy from four hesitated. Jasper got on his knees annoyed. He took one last look at Kate, pressed a kiss to his fingers and put them on her lips. The guy from four looked confused as Jasper grabbed his sword and with force put it into his own stomach. He groaned in pain the tribute looked confused as he watched Jasper fall slowly and bleeding out lying down beside Kate. He lied there and we watched in horror as he bled out. The camera zoom in on his as he slowly died he smiled and looked over at Kate.

I looked on in horror, then looked over at Beetee. He looked sad but that sadness soon turned into anger. I walked over to him, I was at a loss for words. What the hell had just happened?

I knew Jasper and Kate had made a pact to do something if one of them died. But I had not expected this. They were good kids and he could have lived on. But apparently he would rather die than be without her. Both lying on the ground blood all around them, facing each other with their eyes closed. It finally cut away from the two of them.

I slowly turned to Beetee horrified. What the hell had just happened? He looked at me concerned.

"I had no idea either." He said slowly, I looked at him again confused. He grabbed my shoulders and dragged me up to the 13th floor. He looked at me sternly but also concerned.

"This is very very bad." He said and I nodded the true nature of the situation and the aftermath we would have to deal with was finally starting to settle.

"He is gonna kill them for this isn't he? He is gonna blame me. He has to!" I said starting to panic thinking about Charlie and Dodger.

It was a noble gesture, it was noble not to want to participate. But this was absurd. He should not have done that. No matter how good a gesture it was. Now Beetee and I had to clean up the mess. We had to tell of the capitol and convince them that this was not our idea. It was not, but we needed the president to know that. Jasper that idiot had probably just killed Charlie and Dodger. I just looked over at Beetee concerned and he nodded. I started hyperventilating and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

"I know. We can do it, we will get through this okay?" He said grabbing my face and making me look at him as he told me that. I calmed down a little and then nodded still a little uncertain of myself. I looked him in the eyes and I could see he was trying to hide how scared he truly was. I pulled him in for a hug and I could feel his arms wrap around me.

"We can do this. Don't worry, they can only hurt my friends. He could never hurt her." I said slowly trying to comfort him as well and I could feel him sigh against my shoulder.

"Let's go clean up this mess." He said pulling away and looking at me determined. I nodded, I needed to be strong for this, or else my best friends were dead. After a small exchange of courage through our eyes we left the 13th floor.

* * *

We walked down and was met by Tiffy who was furious with us. She dragged us off to hair and make up so that we would be presentable for cameras once we were we walked across the road. Even more capitolians than normal wanted to catch a glimpse of us. We walked into the TV studio and I shook hands with Ceasar and the other host. We sat down and then the cameras turned on, along with a lot of spotlights. They replayed the kids and we all reacted to it. Knowing that everyone was laughing, I grimaced trying to mask my anger. Once the clip was over they turned to us.

"Now tell us, what the hell happened there?" Ceasar said smiling.

"Well we were as shocked as you were when we first saw it, let me tell you that Ceasar." Beetee said and I nodded in agreement. He chuckled and looked over at us.

"Really? Nova I figured you might have put them up to this, you were pretty upset when your friend died last year." Ceasar said and I shook my head and smiled.

"Sorry to disappoint Ceasar, but they came up with that all on their own. Besides I wanted to win, so that I could come back to this wonderful capitol and enjoy your company each year. If I had killed myself I would never get to see your charming smile again." I said and he laughed putting his hands on mine.

"Oh stop it. Please continue." He said and I put on my winning smile.

"I don't know Ceasar. I think what they did was stupid, and I would never encourage anyone to do something like that." I said and he smiled and nodded.

"Thank you both for coming. Let's hope your odds are in your favour next year." He said. We both thanked him and smiled as we waved goodbye to the nation.

The cameras were finally off and we were allowed to leave. We walked back to the training center as soon as we were inside my phony smiled disappeared completely. I was angry and concerned. I hoped to god that this had worked, that everyone believed that we had nothing to do with this.

We met Haymitch in the elevator who was to no surprise drunk. He raised his glass to us as he walked into the elevator.

"Now that, that was acting!" He said and laughed. I glared at him not in the mood right now. My family's lives were at stake. So I would act as friendly and happy as I could for these capitolians if I had to. If it meant that they got to live I would do anything.

* * *

We did not pay too much attention for the rest of the games. We were actually allowed to go home now that we no longer had victors competing. I was almost relieved. I mean two kids had just died for nothing, but it was the most likely outcome. And I would have to go and do the same thing each year. Their blood was still a little bit on my hands. I hated that. We packed our things and arranged to leave the next morning.

An avoxx came into the room with a note and then left. I looked at it and it said:

Roof, Ten minutes.

Finnick.

I sighed and got dressed in a warm sweater before making my way to the roof. It was dark out there. From the distance the capitol might actually look beautiful with all of the nights lights. I could hear someone else coming and Finnick emerged.

"You okay?" He said and I shrugged.

"Ask me again when I know if the president thinks I am innocent. We were honestly as surprised as the rest of the capitol when he did that." I said not looking away from the nights sky.

"I know. He should too. After all he does see everything, so your reaction should probably keep you safe." He said calmly too. I sighed and then finally looked from city to him.

"I need to know Finnick." I said and he turned to me looking confused I looked him in the eyes with a blank expression.

"Before I go home. I need to know what the deal is? Please, one more misstep and my family is dead. I need to know what I am walking into when he makes that offer. Please Finnick." I pleaded and he looked at me a little heartbroken.

"You can't say yes. It is my biggest regret ever saying yes to that stupid deal." He said looking heartbroken I looked at him frustrated.

"That is not an answer Finnick. Tell me what is the deal." I pleaded again and he looked down.

"It's horrible. He is a monster." He said and I got could feel tears welling in my eyes.

"Answer the question Finnick." I pleaded. He looked at me and then away. I knew it was horrible. I knew it had to be something very bad.

"I can't. I-" He stopped himself mid-sentence, getting more frantic and frustrated with me.

"Answer the question Finnick!" I yelled getting frustrated. I needed to know, I had a right to know.

"He sells you to the capitolians! If you say yes, you are gonna be like me. You are gonna get sold and then you are gonna go be the capitols privat whore. Okay?" He yelled at me. I was stunned. He makes you a prostitute? He sells your body to the capitolians.

"And he kills my loved ones if I refuse." I said staring into space, the reality of what was gonna happen about to sink in. Everything I did, everything that happened, it was gonna get back to Charlie and Dodger. I looked from the blank spot I was starring at up at Finnick. He looked at me tears in his eyes as he nodded slowly.

I had to take the deal. I do not care what happened to me. I was dead inside any way. I could not let him hurt Charlie or Dodger. I would not let him hurt them. Finnick ripped me out of my thoughts by putting his hands on either side of my face. He still had tears in his eyes. But he looked at me more sternly.

"You can't say yes." He said sternly.

This made me angry and I pushed him away.

"I have to! Otherwise my family is dead!" I yelled angry. How could he say that? It was my decision to me. He looked up at me sad and almost a little bit desperate.

"They're dead anyway." He said tear streaming down his face.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Hi, it has been a while. But there are some very good things coming. I hope you can all handle how long this is turning out to be. I think this is the longest fic I have ever written. So I hope your interest is still there. There are some very cool things coming, also note that one character's name means something special. And please do tell me what you think about this.

* * *

My talk with Finnick did not clear my mind, I knew he would offer me the deal either this or next year. I had to do something. Anything to save my friends from this. I was already in enough trouble with the president, one misstep and they were toast. Hell if he did not believe our story they were already dead. Still even if he killed them now, then what? Bill? Loke? He could not touch Beetee or Wiress could he?

I mean they were victors, people would suspect things if something happened to them.

I tried to clear my mind before going downstairs, I would ask Beetee about all of this when we got home tomorrow. I just hoped I had a little longer to make this decision. We only had until the games ended to be home, we would all have to attend the crowning of the victor, then a few months of peace before the victory tour and that god awful victors party. He could ask me any time and I needed to make a decision and have a plan before he even asked.

* * *

I took a deep breath before walking onto our floor, I was greeted by a clearly masked uncomfortable Beetee, he was sitting on the couch, someone in the chair in front of him. I looked at him confused, god I hoped that that was not who I thought it was. The chair turned around in what felt like slow motion and the snakelike features of our president greeted me. He had a devilish grin on his face that almost made me shiver. I noted the weird stench that he was clearly trying to cover up with the smell of roses. I put a smile on my face and looked from Beetee to the president.

"Mr. President, to what do we owe the pleasure?" I asked still putting on my facade.

I might not have been one of Lokés girls, but I had learned a few things from them over the years. Not that I ever really liked them, I preferred my boys to be honest. Still I put on the polite face he needed to see from me.

"No need for those fake commodities Ms Hyde. Though I do enjoy your marvellous performances." He said and my eyes furrowed a little as he motioned for me to sit besides Beetee. As the good little soldier I was now, I did.

"Now Beetee, Nova, let me be frank with the both of you. I know you two had nothing to do with that foolish boys decisions. However I cannot deny the resemblance to what you did last year Nova. But that must be a mere coincidence, wouldn't you say Nova?" He said leaning forwards I could see something weird in his eyes, like he was tempting me. I stared back at him trying to look at unfazed by his appearance as I could.

"Coincidence, of course." I said simply staring at him, daring him to tell me that I was lying. I needed him to believe me, also because it was the truth, but I needed my family to not die. Not until I knew what to say to his offer. He stared at me a minute trying to read my face before smiling and leaning back into his chair. This smile made me even more uneasy than his smirk, at least that showed how he was actually feeling, this seemed like it was too easy.

"Good, you have convinced me. Now, you two are gonna convince the rest of the capitol." He said and I looked at Beetee then him confused.

"We already went on TV and told them it wasn't us." I blurted out and he laughed a little, this almost made me flinch. That man could murder my family at the snap of his fingers, and I was amusing him?

"True, but some of the sponsors don't feel convinced. You should convince them." He said the last part was clearly more of a threat and order than a request. I nodded slowly and he smiled and got up from the chair.

"Perfect. Now I am afraid I have some business to attend to. May the odds be ever in your favour." He said and we both smiled, I was just a little relieved that this was all he wanted.

Beetee and I got up from our seats to say goodbye to the president. He shook Beetee's hand for a lot longer than the both of us was comfortable with, but I could not really butt in. All I could do was watch it happen. Then he turned to me, I held out my hand from him to shake, but he pulled me into him and I could feel the stench grow. I wanted to flinch when I could feel his hot breath near my ear. All I wanted was him away from me. But I again had to suffer through it, not matter how uncomfortable I was. The breath was there for a moment, almost making me shiver.

"One strike left Ms Hyde. Make sure you use it wisely." He whispered menacingly before pulling away.

I looked at him stunned but he seemed to get a sadistic joy out of this. Then he bid us goodbye and left. I looked to Beetee horrified. I would have to accept now, not only did I have to stay in the capitol and convince all of the sponsors that it was not our fault with Jasper killing himself. Now I also knew that I had to accept the offer. He did not take rebelion lightly. I knew the story of what he did to Haymitch and I never wanted that to happen to Charlie and Dodger, any of the boys.

"What did he say to you?" Beetee asked as we both sat down again. I was facing him, his concern was evident on his face and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again.

"One strike left." I stuttered out, in a mix of emotions, I was scared, angry that he could do this to me, frustrated that I was even here in the first place, sad that this was the end for me. I could see on the way Finnick reacted, if I said yes, I would probably lose all life I had left inside of me. If I did not then my two best friends would die at my hands. It was an impossible decision to make.

"You know about the offer?" He asked looking into my eyes, he seemed to read my mind and I nodded slowly.

"Finnick told me." I said slowly and he almost smiled a little.

"Did he also tell you not to take it?" He asked and I nodded once again, he sighed and pulled me in for a hug.

"Look, I cannot make this decision for you. But trust me when I say this, saying no. That hurts just as much. Finnick might tell you that the biggest regret of his life was saying yes to that deal. My biggest regret is saying no." He said pausing and looking down at me for a moment.

"There is no right answer to that question. So do what feels right for you." He said quietly and I nodded slowly letting him know I understood what he was saying.

"It is all gonna be okay kiddo. Maybe not tomorrow, but I like to think, in the we will all be okay in the end. Not good, not great, but okay." He said slowly and I smiled a little at his sentiment.

Maybe we would all be okay.

* * *

Even after Beetee had calmed me down and we talked through the gameplan for tomorrow. I still could not sleep. Something was weighing on my mind. Well there was a lot to weigh on my mind.

Should I become a prostitute or let my friends die? Were Beetee and I gonna be able to convince the sponsors that we had nothing to do with this? Or were we and therefore our tributes gonna get blacklisted forever?

Then there was of course my own guilt from my own games.

As I thought about all of the things that were wrong with my life, it started becoming smaller and smaller stuff. Like how I wished I had taken Haymitch up on that offer to go drinking. That I should be nicer to Tiffy, she only wanted what was best for all of us. How I should probably apologise to Finnick for storming off. He did just tell me about his biggest shame and regret.

After a little while longer of tossing and turning, I decided that I might as well start relieving my conscience. I got out of bed and walked out of my room. I tiptoed to the elevator making sure not to wake anyone. Just because I could not sleep, did not mean that Tiffy and Beetee could not.

I pressed the button and waited for the doors to open I walked in and stopped for a moment thinking this through. Then I pressed the button and the elevator took me to the floor. I walked in and asked the Avox to point me in the right direction. I knocked on the door quietly, I definitely did not want to wake up Mags. I could hear rusteling on the other side of the door, before it was slowly opened. Finnick looked at me confused.

"Here to storm off again?" He asked with a small smirk and I could not help but smile, he seemed to be half way to forgiving me already.

"No. To apologise for doing just that." I said slowly he smiled and leaned on the doorframe. I would have liked to say that I did not admire his bare chest for a moment. I was a teenager, you could not blame me for that.

"You have my undivided attention then. How physical will my apology be?" He asked and I pushed his shoulder lightly as he laughed a little.

"Now you apologise." I said and he shrugged before looking at me with a small smile.

"I am sorry for storming off like that though. It was just a lot to process." I said and he nodded and the way he looked me in the eyes, it was like he was trying to tell me that he understood.

"I forgive you. Now how come this couldn't wait till morning? I know that you aren't here because of my good looks and charms." He said looking at me a little playful, but I also knew that the question was serious. I took a deep breath before sighing and deciding whether or not to tell him. I did not want him to worry.

"I talked with Beetee about it." I said slowly. I decided not to tell him that Snow stopped by, he was only mildly threatening and Finnick had enough to worry about. I was a lot more sympathetic to his, well everything, since I now knew what his "business" was. This time it was his turn to sigh. He crossed his arms and leaned at the doorframe.

"He told you to say yes didn't he?" He said sadly, looking down at the floor but finally back at me. I nodded slowly.

"Kind of. He told me that no matter what I did I was gonna regret it." I said slowly and he smiled a little and nodded.

"That is probably true. I lost my family even though I said yes." He said looking down again.

"I imagine that is why you couldn't sleep. And why you're standing at my door right now?" He said after a moment. He was looking at me again, but any hint of teasing gone from his eyes. I nodded and he smiled kindly at me.

"Come on then." He said understanding.

I looked at him a little bit confused. I was not here to sleep with him, especially not after what I knew about him. He could probably sense my concern and rolled his eyes at me. He slowly pulled me under his arm. He was looking at me the whole time, as if to ask if this was okay, that he would stop at any sign that I was uncomfortable.

We slowly walked to the bed and he laid down on his back and patted the spot beside him.

"Just sleep." He said slowly and I sighed a little relieved and smiled at him.

Hopefully this would help. I slowly sat down on the bed and took of my slippers before slipping under the blanket. I tried carefully not to lay where Finnick was. I did not need to cause him more problems right now. That boy had certainly been through enough. I could hear a small chuckle from his side of the bed and I turned to look at him confused. What on earth could be funny at this hour.

He shook his head at me before putting his arm around me again and pulled me in slowly so that I was lying on his chest. He kept his hand on my back clearly not trying anything. He could feel me still being tense, wondering why he was doing this and lifted my chin to look at him.

"Nothing is going to happen. I just want you to be comfortable. This life is already bad enough on its own. And you're a good friend." He said and I sighed a little in relief and nodded smiling at little.

I tried to get comfortable with Finnick there, and surprisingly unlike on my own bed, I did not toss and turn too much to get comfortable. I nodded slowly and he turned off the light in the room leaving us in darkness. I knew he would not already be sleeping and I figured this could not wait till morning either. I whispered slowly into the dark hoping he would hear me.

"Thank you. For everything."

* * *

I woke up beside Finnick still, I smiled a little content. He looked so peaceful sleeping, like he was not being traded for sex all the time. Like he was not a murderer. I wondered if I looked that peaceful when I slept. If I looked innocent?

I had slept better than I had in a long time. Actually for the first time in a long time without nightmares. Sadly when I woke up, the nightmare continued. It weighed heavy on my mind the second I woke up. That though comfortable this had not changed anything. I was still trapped in a life I never wanted. I had still murdered people. I still had to convince sponsors to help not kill more kids next year. I still had to decide wether to sell myself for the safety of my friends or if I should just have them killed. I starred at the ceiling while all of these things swirled round in my mind. I looked over at Finnick again trying to distract myself from all of this. That maybe focusing on how innocent he looked sleeping I could for even a moment forget the terrible situation I was in.

But when I looked over a small smile and two blue eyes looked back at me. I looked surprised and he just sighed slightly.

"You look like you have the entire world on your shoulders. Anything you wanna share?" He said a little sadly at me, I sighed and shrugged slightly. I thought it through before I answered, I wanted to tell him everything that was weighing on my mind. But either he already knew or I would just bother him with my problems on top of his own. After all we were both in the same unfortunate situation.

"Who says I don't have the entire world on my shoulders? It sure feels like it sometimes." I said sadly and he looked me in the eyes concerned.

"You cannot blame yourself for any of this. You have to take the good with the horrible down here. We might not like it, but you're a fighter too. We survive. That is all." He said not looking away but looking me in the eyes like they held the secrets to the universe. I smiled slightly and sighed with a small smile.

"You're right. I should get going too. Tiffy is gonna scold me horribly when I am late for breakfast." I said standing up and he smiled a little.

"See you at the murder convention." I said not even turning to look at him as I left. Though I could hear him chuckle from the bed.

"Can't wait." He yelled from behind me and I smiled a little.

I might have the world on my shoulders, but at least we could see the funny side to it. As soon as I left the room my feelings of dread came right back over me. I had to convince people that a kids suicide was not a rebellious act but just plain dumb. I felt like I really was not the person for this job. I mean I had wanted to do the same thing if Charlie had not begged me to kill her first.

I walked upstairs and met Beetee and Tiffy, Tiffy looked at me horrified and angry.

"Where on earth have you been young lady? We have been worried sick." Tiffy yelled Beetee just smirked and looked up from his coffee at me.

"How is Finnick?" He simply said with a small smirk and I glared at him knowing I was gonna get a terrible scolding from Tiffy now.

I just tuned out her yelling just telling her yes, and glaring at Beetee much to his amusement while we ate. After that I showered put my hair up and got changed. I hated these clothes, but the capitolians simply adored them, or so they kept telling me. So I had to keep wearing them. God knows I was only here to keep them happy. I met with Beetee and we devised a game plan before walking over to the sponsor rooms.

We walked around as a team and socialised, we laughed at unfunny jokes, we complimented ugly things and we made polite conversations. It was truly horrible. I hated who I had to be among these people. I was told I was truly delightful, but they had no idea who I really was. And they would never care to meet who I really was. What was once the only thing that kept me alive was now simply a party trick. Everything I stood for, was in ruins. After a few hours of drinking and socialising I needed something stronger. Just the one drink though, I knew I had to face these people sober, but I needed something to drink my sorrows away with. I walked over to the bar and opened my mouth to order when I heard something behind me.

"Two burbons please, one for me and one for the victor." A man said, I turned around a little confused and an tall man with dark hair and brown eyes looked back at me. I smiled politely at him and he smiled right back.

"Thank you mr?" I said knowing I would have to suck up to this guy probably for some years to come.

"Stop it with the Mr. I simply go by my first name, Orias." He said extending his hand to me, I smiled at took it, he slowly lifted it and put a soft kiss to it. I wanted to roll my eyes but kept a straight face.

"I assume from the order that you know who I am." I said and he smiled letting to of my hand and standing beside me.

"Of course, and while I will say you look ravishing today. I hope I am not too blunt by saying I much preferred you covered in dirt." He said and I shrugged as our drinks came.

"Not at all too blunt. I preferred that too to be honest." I said making him laugh in delight. He was more pleasant that most of the other sponsors, and much younger too. I still hated his guts and I did not at all trust him. But I was glad to know that my charm was working on him. He was delighted and he handed me a glass of bourbon. I smiled and he raised his glass to meet mine.

"You know what Nova. I think this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." He said and I smiled and took a sip of my drink.

On the inside however I was not so calm and composed. That somehow felt like a threat of something. I did not like or trust this man. Luckily before he could say anymore Haymitch interrupted with a polite smile.

"Orias, what a pleasant surprise. It has been too long. Tell me how is your dear uncle?" Haymitch asked with a smile stepping in-between us, Orais looked at me and then Haymitch annoyed.

"Well Haymitch you should know better than I. He spends more time with you lot than he does with us these days." He said trying to keep chipper, I continued to smile back as he and Haymitch talked.

"Now Orias, I hate to bother you. But could I borrow the young victor here for a moment, I need to discuss some strategy for next year." He said pointing to me. Orias just looked at me with a smile that made me very uncomfortable but I hid it well.

"Of course, business as always with you victors. We can grab a drink another time, right Nova?" Orais said and I nodded taking the hand he held out to me.

"How could I refuse?" I said in a pleasant tone, trying to mask that this was the truth. I could not refuse, I was just another puppet in their stupid game, obeying their every command. Just there to entertain them. He took my hand and kissed it once more before taking off to talk to other people.

I felt like letting out a sigh of relief as Haymitch turned around now that he was truly out of sight. Haymitch looked me over once with concern before turning to a more angry look.

"You need to stay away from him Nova. Trust me, there is a reason he was given the name Orias." He said looking at me sternly and surprisingly sober. I looked at him confused but just ended up nodding. I did not want anything else to do with that man, I could feel something being off about him. Not just like the other capitolians, something made me uneasy around him.

I had a drink and a small talk about nothing with Haymitch before finding Beetee once again. We were finally done after a few more hours of socialising with capitolians. I was tired as hell as we walked back to the training center. We sat on the couch and tried not to see or hear anything about the games, but it was all that was on TV. Finally an avox walked in with a letter she handed it to me and I looked at Beetee concerned before opening it.

"Ms Hyde,

Good job today, you and Beetee did well.

I hope you remember this for next year.

You are free to go now.

President Snow"

I read out loud before looking at Beetee with a smile. I was so happy with this news I leapt and hugged him. He chuckled and I smiled pulling away he looked at me relieved.

"What do you say Nova? Wanna get out of here?" He said and I sighed smirking.

"As fast as I can."

Our things were still packed from when we initially wanted to leave. All that was left to do was say goodbye. I had left Beetee on the fifth floor where he was discussing mechanics in their bionic arm with another victor. He smiled and let me go knowing I wanted to say goodbye to Finnick. We were good friends and he had helped me through a lot, so I wanted to return the favour.

I walked downstairs and greeted first Mags who embraced me and told me to have a nice trip home. I thanked her and wished her the same. I like her very much, I only pitied that she had had to come for all of these years. Watching this horror all of this time, it must have been terrible. She pointed at the door and I nodded smiling. I walked over to Finnick's room and knocked on the door.

"Mags?" Finnick said concerned as he opened the door.

"No. Just me." I said and he smiled a little and scooted over so that I could come in.

"You leaving today?" He asked as he closed the door and walked to sit down beside me on the bed I smiled and nodded.

"Yes. I am free at least for a little while." I said and he smiled a little but looked down.

"Not entirely free though. You know that right?" He said and I looked at him sadly and nodded.

"Of course. Hey you know anything about a man named Orias?" I asked and he stood up looking at me concerned.

"Did he talk to you? What did he say to you Nova?" He asked concerned and I looked at him concerned.

"He bought me a drink and introduced himself, but Haymitch interrupted. Why is he so bad?" I asked sternly, I just wanted to know how concerned I should be about his interest in me. Finnick sat down again and looked down sadly.

"Orias isn't his real name, it is his nickname. And there is a very good reason for that. Be careful around him alright?" He said looking at me concerned but reading my answer. I nodded and he sighed in relief.

"Before I left I wanted to give you something. You have helped me a lot over this year and I wanted to properly thank you." I said and he smiled at me.

"You really don't need to give me anything Nova. Truly, I helped because I wanted to." He said and I just shrugged and dug into my pockets with a small smile as I pulled out his gift.

"I know it isn't much. But this old lady back home makes these scrap bracelets. I know it isn't anything special, but I like them they remind me of home." I said pulling out a leader thread bracelet with a scrap metal pearls on it.

I handed it shyly to Finnick. I had never really gotten gifts in my life, so I had no idea what to give anyone. I had seen this at the market with Wiress and thought of him. There was two beads on it. One that had fish and water marks on it. The other had a shooting star on it. I just liked the fish and hoped he could live with the other. I looked up at him worried if he would like it or not. I was met by a huge smile.

"Thank you. I like it trust me. I am just-." he was saying nervously but I cut him off embarrassed I should not have done this. This was a dumb idea, what was I thinking giving him something so small and stupid?

"It is fine. You're probably used to getting expensive and much better gifts. I am sorry it sucks." I said but he just shook his head and rolled his eyes a little.

"I was gonna say, that I am just not used to getting gifts that mean anything. Thank you Nova. It means a lot to me." He said and I smiled looking down a little.

Beetee came in and interrupted telling me it was time to go, I smiled and hugged Finnick goodbye before leaving for the train. I was excited to go home. To see Wiress again. Hopefully I could find a way to see Charlie, Dodger and Bill. I needed to be careful if I wanted them to have a chance to live.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: I am so sorry, I didnt realise it had been that long since I updated. I even have chapters ready, I just focused so much on writing ahead that I forgot to post, I am sorry about that. I do hope you enjoy, and I will make sure to both write and update in the future. :)

By the way, if you like this story, please review, it means a lot to know if anyone is even reading it, or enjoying it. 3

* * *

Nova's P.O.V.

We were finally back home, I got glares from Jasper and Kate's family, but I had done what I could. If I could change the world to change their fate I would, but I knew that this was probably where this was going. This was gonna keep happening, until another child from our district managed to survive this horror, then maybe I would finally be free.

Still their hurtful stares, red eyes, they were nothing compared to how I was feeling inside. I had murdered people, and now I held the fate of every child from district 3 for the next years in my hands. And I held the only people I loved's life in my hand. If I did not agree to sell myself, then they would be killed just for knowing me. I never wanted any of this. I never asked for glory or fame, or money or victory. I wanted to live a quiet life as a thief, maybe settle down once I got a little older, in a nice little cottage like the one Bill had. Maybe find a nice boy and marry him. I would make sure that we grew old together and never had children. I would never want a child to see the light of day in this world.

But that was not the life that was destined for me. I was destined for a life of misery.

I was scared, frustrated, confused and so very angry with the way things were. I wanted to change this, but all I could do was play their stupid game and maybe I would be a little less miserable with time.

We got off the train and we were greeted by Wiress who started off by hugging me and I smiled and hugged her back tightly. I had missed her so very much. While not always making sense, she always knew the right thing to say. And if there were no nice things to say she knew just the cup of tea to make. I adored her for that. She pulled back and went over to greet Beetee again. It must have been so strange with the both of them. This had been the first time since she won that she had had a game without him. I was happy for her, being able to stay home away from all of this. I figured she would go with me next year and Beetee could stay.  
They could try, but I would never be the one staying home. They had been there and helped me through so much. I owed them the decency of peace every other year. I did not deserve that, they had had to deal with this long enough, I would gladly take that burden if it meant that they got a small taste of peace.

We walked back to victors village all together and Wiress told us all about what had happened while we were gone. She told me that Charlie and Dodger had stayed in my house all of this time with her keeping them company. She told me of all of the kinds of trouble they had gotten into together. I laughed and smiled at these stories, until I stood outside of my door. Right then it hit me, that from now on this was all they were going to be to me. Stories.

Until I knew what I was gonna do next year when he asked me, I needed to make sure that if I said no they would be safe. I sighed put on a small smile before turning to Beetee and Wiress.

"See you at dinner?" I asked hopefull and they both nodded with big smiles.

"8 O'clock sharp. And not to worry darling, the worst is over for now." She said with a small smile. She grabbed my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.

I smiled back feeling some tears welling up in my eyes. I knew she was probably right, the worst was over for now. We did not have to think about those stupid games until the stupid victors tour and then for next years reaping. That was so long away. We only had to go to the capitol for short things and then for the next 11 months we were free. Well as free as you can be in a dictatorship. I laughed a little at how silly this all was and looked up at her smiling relieved. That part of my horror was over. She hugged me quickly and gently wiped the tears that had fallen from my eyes.

"Now, I think that there are some very unruly boys who are waiting to see you." She said smiling and turning around to walk home.

I turned to my own door and sighed for a moment. Suddenly I was no longer relieved. I no longer could smile and laugh. I was back to dread having thought it all through. I knew what I needed to do, I was not happy about it. But right now I knew that it was not about happiness it was about survival. And maybe in the end, being okay.

* * *

As soon as I opened the door I was tackled by Charlie and Dodger. I laughed and hugged both of them back, inhaling their scents and feeling a little bit sadness as I did. I did smile at them as we pulled back, truly glad to see them. I wished that I could continue to do so but right now it was not an option.

I made us all a cup of tea before sitting them down. As I prepared the tea Charlie and Dodger spent it all telling me all about what they had been up to in the time I was gone. And there was a lot to tell, because they were very good at getting themselves in trouble.

I laughed at the funny bits but just truly focused on remembering everything about them. How they looked, the sounds of their laughter and voices. I wanted to remember them as they were now, because they were happy. And I knew when I told them what I had to do they were no longer gonna be this happy. And if I lost them, then I would never see them happy again.

Once we sat down I looked at my tea, they were done talking and a dark mood had been sat on my house. They knew me well enough to know that there was something up and it was not good.

"Okay Nova, we know you. Tell us what is wrong please. We want to help." Charlie said putting down his teacup. I finally looked up from mine sadly, I slowly put mine down as well. Mostly to get a moment to try and figure out what I was gonna say. How could you explain all of this to them?

I made this plan in my head to tell them straight and clean that I could not see them anymore. Because they were in danger and that this was the best way, and that I was sorry but they had to leave. But it did not come out straight and clean. Instead it came out more like a word vomit. I told them everything, how I had one strike left. What would happen if I took the deal? What would happen to them if I did not take the deal? Everything just flew out of me and as I finally finished I still had not told them to leave, but I knew I had too eventually. I also knew that all of this was a lot to take in, but I wanted them to know. So that there was a chance they would not hate me for sending them away. As I finally stopped talking the room grew quiet again. I understood that all of this was a lot to take in. I had found out gradually over the course of these past few weeks, they had gotten it all in one very long sentence.

"There must be something we can do!" Charlie said and I sighed slowly shaking my head.

"You can't say yes, and how would they even get to us? Nobody knows about Lokes. If we just lay low for a bit after you say no we should all be completely fine." Dodger said sounding not as confident as usual. He even sounded like he was trying to convince himself. Again I just shook my head looking down tears finally welling up in my eyes.

"You don't get it. He knows everything! There is no clever way to escape this. I either sell myself or you die. That is it, that is the only choice." I said frustrated. I hated that I had to do this to them. But I knew I had too.

"There must be something we could do. I mean he can't know about Loke's. What if we just hide from them?" Charlie said and I sighed.

"Look, I have thought about all of this on the way here. There is only one way I could ever imagine the both of you being safe." I said and they seemed to scoot closer but this just made me dread what I had to say even more.

"We can't be friends anymore. You can't ever see or talk to me again. Maybe if he thinks that we had a fight and are no longer friends, then he can't use you against me." I said looking at their shock to what I said. It broke me having to do this, but at least this way they were gonna be alive. Even if they were not part of my life.

"No come on there has to be another way, come on Pipsquick. There has to be some other way!" Charlie said raising his voice with the last sentence. He looked at me with eyes that held pure desperation. But I was done trying to fight the system. They were dead if this did not happen, I hated to do this. They were the only family that I had left. But I would rather that they be alive, even if it meant them no longer being in my life.

"There is nothing else we can do. Knowing me, you guys are dead men walking. I want you to be alive. Even if it means that I can't see you again." I said tears truly welling up in my eyes. I of course wished that I could keep them here, that we could somehow trick the system. Hell I wished that we were back on the street pickpocketing, but this was where we were. And I had to make sure that they survived. I was a survivor and I would make damn sure they survived as well. This was the only way.

"Are you sure about this?" Dodger said and I looked up tears in all of our eyes as I gave them a small nod.

"I am so sorry." I said finally breaking down.

I walked them to the door and I gave them a long hug goodbye. I wanted that hug to last forever but I knew that it never could.

Dodger hugged me one last time red and sad face before leaving me to say goodbye to Charlie alone. I looked at him and he looked terrible.

"I am so sorry Charlie." I said and he gave me a small smile. He pulled me in for a big hug and I buried my teary face in his chest. I never wanted to let him go but I knew I had to.

I slowly started to pull out knowing I had to, or else I would beg them to stay, or change my mind. I knew for their sake that that should not happen. I had to think about their safety their future. And I was not in that future if I wanted them to be safe. I only pulled out a little but looked up at Charlie who still held onto me a little. He looked me over and he looked so sad. I felt like crying again I hated myself for making him this sad. He put his forehead to mine as he used to when he would comfort me when I was younger. It was like a psychic link connecting us. I felt like he understood the pain I was feeling, but also knew, that I loved him, and if my situation was different I would never do this. Hell if I had just one other option I would take it. He sighed deeply putting his hand on my left cheek. I burned as he caressed my cheek, at a way to comfort both me and him.

I wanted him to stay so badly. I wanted him to be in my life, he had been since we were both kids. I had never imagined I would ever be without him. But here we stood, about to say goodbye, and I wanted to beg him to stay. Telling him to stay was not the words that left my mouth, instead I just heard myself whispering weakly.

"Charlie… I-" I was cut off whatever I was trying to say.

I could not even remember what I was going to say because suddenly his lips was on mine. I could feel my breath shorten in surprise. I wanted to saviour this moment for all of eternity. Even if I had no idea what or why this was happening. I moved my lips against his warm ones. I never wanted this moment to end, it seemed that he did not either, but eventually we broke apart and I opened my eyes to look at him. He looked at me sadly and I gave him a confused smile he gave me a small smile too. He even had a little glint in his eye.

"Sorry. But I think I would have regretted it if I never got to do that." He said and I felt like crying. I understood it, but I also hated him for making me feel like this when I had to send him away seconds later. I did smile at him though, I wanted to saviour this small smile of his. Then I did something I did not even think through in the sligthest.

I grabbed him by the neck and pulled him towards me to kiss him again. I never wanted to let him go after that. How could I?

It was just as nice as the first one but he slowly pushed me away after a few seconds.

"I have to go Nova." He said and I nodded knowing that. I did not want him to but I knew that he had to.

I hugged him just one last time before letting him get out of that door. I stood there and heard Dodger tell him that it took him long enough, I had to run out and catch them before they truly went. I looked around and hoped that no one was watching us.

"Wait. Could you give this to Bill? It explains everything to him. I don't think that they know about him yet, and I don't want them to know he exists." I said handing them a letter I had had in my inner pocket.

Charlie nodded and took the letter I smiled at the both of them before sending them off. It took all of my strength to not tell them to come back. But I knew that this was for the best. I begged that either of them would call out for me. Making me turn around and change my mind. But neither of them did and I walked back into my house knowing I would never see either of them again.

* * *

As soon as I closed my door behind me, I felt like breaking down. But I knew it was no use, this had been my own choice, now that I had made my bed I would have to lie in it. No matter how much I dreaded it.

I thought about how they would grow up, maybe they would find nice girls or boys, find a nice little cottage. I would see them on the street with their families. I wiped a small tear from my face as I tried to imagine them telling stories about me. What kind would they tell? Would they leave out the kind of person I would become?

I felt a pang in my chest as I realised that I would see them with their families in the future. I would see them play and be happy. All I would ever be able to do was watch them from a distance. Never talking to them again, just observing from a distance. Like a guardian angel. Except I would never be able to help them. No matter how much I wanted to I would never be able to truly be with them again.

Would Charlie even remember what it was like to kiss me? I would, for the rest of my life.

I swallowed a lump in my throat as I thought about my own future. I only had one idea of what it looked like, and it was not pretty.

I would never be able to have what they have, a family, people who loves them. I would always be alone, with my thoughts. Maybe a new victor would join us, when Beetee and Wiress died of old age or a disease. But they would never really be what I craved. I would still have to put on a mask and go back each year pretending I was happy. Until enough kids had died that I could finally retire.

I could no longer handle thinking about anything, I needed to blur everything out. I was drowning in my own thoughts again. I walked over to my cabin and found a liquor bottle Haymitch had given me. I popped it open without thinking about it. I looked around for a glass but eventually figured it was hopeless and just put the bottle to my mouth.

I drank as much as I could trying not to really taste anything. This was strong and really burned in my throat. I pulled away and walked around my house trying to find something to do. I stumbled upon a glass and started pouring into it. I started tasting it more and more, it was strong, but not necessarily bad.

I had ended up on the floor, my back against a wall, both metaphorically and figuratively. I finally got to study what I was drinking. I noticed a note from Haymitch that said: For drowning your sorrows.

I had not thought about it, but this was very much the right bottle for this occasion. I looked down at what I was drinking, but my vision was blurring a little and it took me a few tries to see.

Whiskey.

I laughed as I finally read the name of the whiskey on it. It was whiskey, which was cool on its own. But I understood exactly why Haymitch had bought is as I read the name.

"Writers tears."

How appropriate.

* * *

Beetee was standing over me and shaking me awake telling me to get up. I finally opened my eyes and looked at him confused. I could very much still feel the alcohol in my system. He was sat on the floor crouched down in front of me, and looking a little disappointed in me.

I heard him telling me that dinner was ready and I nodded. I put down the bottle on my floor along with my glass. I slowly stood up and straightened myself out before just walking out the door to the surprise of a stunned Beetee.

I heard him yelling slightly after me as I tried to walk to Wiress' house. I finally tuned into what he was saying.

"You should be careful Nova! I will not watch you drink your life away like so many of the others. I am not going to let you!" He yelled and I finally turned around a little angry.

"What life? We live in constant fear of people, who makes our only purpose in life killing and entertaining them." I said annoyed turning around and continuing to walk.

"That is not the point! Nova! I have seen what this does to victors and it might feel good now, but trust me, it is not worth it. You think I like dancing for them like a little puppet. But I do what I need to to survive. So no, you can't drink, because when you are no longer entertaining them, that is when your friends get killed!" Beetee yelled and I turned around right at Wiress' door tears in my eyes. I knew he was right, I also knew deep down it was not him I was angry with.

I looked around trying to find a camera finally spotting one I stared blankly into the lens.

"Well? Are you not entertained now?!" I yelled at it.

Beetee got so angry he just pulled me into the house and slammed the door.

"You are not doing this. I will not watch you kill yourself." He said looking me in my eyes.

I could see how hurt he really was behind the anger. I felt even worse now, not only was my life messed up, I could not stop hurting the few people that cared about me. I had to push the boys away, and now I was trying to do the same to Beetee.

I stopped and finally thought once again, this time I could not hold it in. I just hugged Beetee and slowly buried my face in his chest. I was sobbing badly, but like always, Beetee did not care. He never cared how wet his shirts got from my tears. I did not deserve someone as good as him.

I continued crying as he walked me to the sofa and Wiress sat down beside me holding me as well.

"What's wrong sweetie? What did you do?" Wiress said cooing me kindly with her words. I finally got my tears and feelings under control enough to answer it.

"I had to send them away. I can never see them again, or else they'll get killed." I said in-between sobs, turning my head to face her. I could feel myself falling apart all over again as the words left my mouth.

Wiress expression changed from worried to a little sad, but I knew she understood me. There was a reason the three of us were living alone in our big houses. The most common trait amongst us victors was that apart from each other, we were alone.

"Oh Peanut." She said understanding, but also smelling the alcohol on me.

I understood if they were disappointed in my behaviour. I should really try to be better, but it was just so damn hard to control my emotions all of the time. Knowing I was meant for a life of loneliness, knowing I had to keep up a front for everyone I loved to be safe. I hated it so much.

She pulled me into her chest and I cried on her shoulder as well. She understood how much Charlie and Dodger had meant to me. They were the only family I had left, and I had to send them away. I loved them both too much to let anything happen to them. The fact that I would always be the source of their pain was breaking me inside.

She sat me down and just shushed me and lightly caressed my hair as I cried over the loss of my friends. Everything else too.

I knew once I opened the dam that held my emotions in check it unleashed like a hurricane of sorrow. Eventually I could not cry anymore, I had dried out but Wiress still did not let me go. She kept cooing me until I felt better. Felt like maybe there was still some hope.

That even though I would never be able to truly see my friends again, I would be able to see them from a distance. In the life I had to live, that had to be enough.

And even though I just had to push my family away, I still had Beetee and Wiress. Even if I did not deserve everything they did for me. I would be there for them, and I knew they would be there for me.

We victors seemed to have everything we could ever desire, and we did when it came to material things. However, our fate was to have nothing on the social front. We would never have anything but each other.

I suddenly understood why Haymich was so messed up. I could not imagine having to go through all of this alone. I had Beetee and Wiress, and that had to be enough. They were my only family, and I needed to start acting like it.

I finally lifted my head from Wiress shoulder and gave her a small smile, telling her I was okay. "Thank you." I whispered my voice hoarse from crying.

I looked up at Beetee and nodded he just looked at me relieved. Wiress held out her hand and he took hers, he smiled at her and she just laughed a little.

"The dinners probably cold now." She said with a small chuckle, I could feel myself beginning to laugh as well.

I had been so broken, that a problem as small as cold dinner seemed absurdly funny. We laughed and I hugged her once again, trying to tell her how grateful I was to have them. I stood up, and she held out her hand so I could help her up. I gladly obliged and helped her stand. We stood there, she held both Beetee and my hand. I slowly held out my hand to him, hoping he would forgive me as well. He just smiled and shook his head for a moment, silently telling me I was stupid for even doubting him. He took my hand without a single thought and gave it a small squeeze, seemingly just glad I was okay now.

I looked over at Wiress who chuckled and squeezed my hand as well. We stood there for a moment just holding hands and I knew I would be okay.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Hi, look at me updating again. I have a few chapters that just need proofreading then they will be up too. If you do like this story please tell me. Doesnt even have to be long just a smiley or anything would be nice. Just to know you are there you know?

* * *

We ate dinner, and talked about everything and nothing. She told me stories about how the boys had been over for dinner as well. How they had gotten into trouble and what else she had been doing. She was working on some new tea with her herbs.

I was happy that she had gotten a break from the horrors to this. She deserved it so very much. I would have to earn that eventually from another victor. There was no way I was gonna let either of them go in my place. They had suffered enough and I wanted them to have peace, just like Wiress had had that year.

We laughed as we ate, the dinner had indeed gotten cold. At this point I had eaten a lot of fancy food in the districts and capitol.

"I hope it still tastes al right?" She asked and I just put my hand on hers with a smile. She looked me in eyes and I gave her hand a small squeeze.

"I think this might be the best meal I have ever had." I said and she laughed telling me to stop it.

I truly meant it though, it was the best meal I had had in years. Because I was with people I loved, and I was happy. It did not matter that it was cold, I was warm inside.

We had a cup of tea afterwards Beetee and I sat on the couch as Wiress made our teas. She wanted us to be surprised by her new tea. So she forbade us from helping her.

"I am glad you're okay Peanut. But you have to come to us next time, instead of getting drunk. I can't see you drink your life away. I have worked damn hard to keep you alive for two years. I want you to enjoy it." He said and I nodded understanding him. I really did not deserve everything he gave me, but he still kept doing it. Even when I continued to do stupid or selfish things.

"Why did you work so hard to keep me alive? I mean I would understand if I was just another tribute and eventually Victor to you. I mean, I want you to know how grateful I am for you doing it. But why did you? I was just a pickpocket streetgirl, I am selfish, I have killed people, and I keep doing stupid things. Why did you think I was worth saving? I am nothing." I said looking at him. I wanted to know.

He had sacrificed so much to help me, and I wanted to know what he saw in me to want to do that. I wanted to know if it was a good enough reason to let him continue to do so. I wanted to do better, but what about the next time I messed up? I could really hurt him someday. Even if it was by accident, I wanted to know if I should just push him away now. Protecting him for the virus in his life, me. He just looked at me confused and the smiled and shook his head at me.

"Of course you were worth saving. I saw you escaping from the peacekeepers out on the streets. I saw you steal from people better than any of the boys you were with. I also saw you making them laugh when they looked sad. The day you were picked, I already knew you would do good in that arena." He said and I looked down, knowing that these qualities were not truly a good thing. That I was going to be good in the arena was never a good thing. It meant he knew before I was even picked, that I would be a good killer.

"That doesn't really make me worth saving." I said tears welling up in my eyes, but he made me look at him by lifting my chin and gave me a small smile.

"I knew you were worth saving because of a story Wiress once told me about you." He said and I looked at him confused, he just looked behind me, and I turned to see Wiress standing there with a small smile while holding a teapot. She put it down on her coffee table along with three cups.

"The tea has to brew for a few minutes more anyway, so I might as well tell you in the meantime." She said she put her hand on my cheek and wiped a small tear from it, and slowly pulled me a little closer to her.

"Even if I hadn't seen you that day, you would be worth saving, you can never forget that Peanut." She said looking me in my eyes and slowly putting her forehead to mine.

I had no idea why but it comforted me in a way I had not been since my own father did something like that. After I slowly nodded showing I understood she pulled away and put both of her hands on my cheek with a smile as she looked at me.

"We had already talked about you, you were the only girl in a hoard of boys after all. And Beetee had only seen you run away and steal. But one day I was out in the city, and a small boy collapsed of pure hunger. This attracted the peacekeepers of course, and the boys ran away, but you stayed. In the chaos of it all you grabbed a bread from a stand. I just figured it was for you and your friends, I didn't imagine streetkids ate much. But then you did something unexpected you walked over to the boy and dragged him into an ally. Woke him up, and gave him the bread. Even though you looked hungry yourself, you gave that little boy your bread. So when you were picked a few months later, I knew you were worth keeping around." She said slowly running her thumb on my cheek.

I had completely forgotten about that, he had been one of the new recruits of Loke's. He had tried to steal from Loke, and was kicked out. I never understood why, but Bill told he what he had tried to take. Food. We only got fed if we brought home the goods. He was just learning and didn't get fed enough. I felt bad for him, so when I saw him faint, even though Charlie and Dodger told me not too. I stayed and gave him some food. I knew he would starve eventually, but I just could not watch him suffer like I sometimes did.

I starved a lot that month actually, a few days because Loke found out I had give him food. That months business was slow, some people had stopped wearing jewellery and more out, making our jobs harder.

"I don't deserve you, but thank you, for everything." I said and turning to Beetee as well he just shrugged.

I turned back to Wiress who just smiled and then looked over at the table.

"Tea's ready." She said pouring our cups.

* * *

I walked home happier than I had been in a while. When I came home I saw a letter lying on the floor right at my door. I picked it up confused, I never got any mail. There was not address, name or anything on the envelope.

I walked in and put it on my nightstand getting ready for bed. My curiosity was bugging me a lot, but I was also scared. What if it was from president Snow? Had he seen my little outburst on the camera's? Was it a picture of Charlie or Dodger dead?

My hands were shaking as I picked it up and slowly shaking opened the envelope. Inside was a handwritten letter.

 _Hey Pipsqueak,_

 _Did you honestly think you could get rid of me that easily?_

I could feel my nerves drop completely as I read the word Pipsqueak. It was from Charlie or Bill, no one else called me that. I continued reading eager to hear from either of them.

 _I understand what you're doing and why you're doing it._

 _However, we are family, and that means we never leave each other behind, and never forget each other._

 _I sent this letter with one of the streetboys for some food._

 _I am gonna continue writing to you._

 _I am gonna send a different delivery boy each time._

 _That way there is a smaller chance of the president catching on._

 _I don't want him to know that I exist either._

 _Charlie is heartbroken, he was by earlier to deliver your letter._

 _I hope you figure all of this out pipsqueak._

 _I understand that you're trapped between two terrible choices._

 _You're gonna figure it out, you always do._

 _Ever since the boys picked you up, I knew you were a survivor._

 _And remember you can always come by my place._

 _I don't care if I am in danger because of it, I am here if you need me._

 _I hope you're okay. Remember to eat enough._

 _Love_

 _Bill_

I smiled re-reading Bills letter a few times. I knew he was safe, and he did not blame me for any of this. I was also happy he figured out we could send letters to each other. He always found a way around things. I loved him for that. I held the letter close to my chest, feeling like it was like hugging Bill all over again. I slowly lied down smiling slightly.

Everything was gonna be okay.

* * *

Beetee and Wiress seemed happy to see me up again. I felt better than I had done in almost a year. I was helping them cook. Taking walks with Wiress and even helping her with her tea herbs.

I helped Beetee in his lap, even if he said I was a little useless with technology. I was excellent at handing him the screwdrivers he needed.

I also kept writing Bill and the boys letters. Sending new people to deliver it each time. I even found out I had a phone in my house. It rang one day and I was confused as to what to do, I had never noticed it before. I picked it up and to my surprise it was Finnick calling me. The games were finally over. His tributes had lasted a long time, so he had unbearably had to stay in the capitol a lot longer than he wanted to. He told me about what he and Mags had been doing when they were not sweet-talking sponsors, and being prostituted to them. I laughed a few times, just happy to talk with him again. Finally there was a small dull in our conversation and he cleared his throat.

"So… Have you figured out what you're gonna do, you know, when he asks?" He asked and I could feel myself bite my lips and sigh.

"No. But just in case, I have cut off all contact with Charlie and Dodger. He doesn't seem to know about Bill, and we send each other letters some times. You think they'll be safe?" I asked nervously, I was begging him to say yes, but deep down I knew that just the fact that they knew me in the past was enough.

"I don't know. But that was very smart Nova. I really hope this works. I don't want to see you hurt more than you already are." He said softly and I smiled a little.

"I wished I could help you. Get you out of your deal." I said truthfully, I hated seeing him hurting because of what he had to do. Even though I could not see him through the phone, I knew how much he hated doing what he was doing.

"It's okay. I am used to it." He said sadly and I could feel a little anger well up inside of me.

"You shouldn't have to be. I wished all you had to do for them was go to the arcade and have fun or something." I said trying to cheer him up and he chuckled.

"No. I prefer this then. They would never appreciate the arcade. Not like you did." He said and I chuckled.

"Hey, we will see each other soon. After the victory tour, another boring ball where we can run away midway through." I said smiling and he seemed happy though the phone as well, just by that thought.

"Trust me Nova, with you. I would always run away, in a heartbeat." He said sounding serious and I felt something strange inside of me. But it felt weird and not bad but still felt a little wrong, so I suppressed it.

"Well I am a criminal. I am damn good at getting away." I said and I heard him chuckle a little at the other end.

We said our goodbye, and he promised to come by district 3 some time. I smiled at that thought, it was a weird feeling.

But I just told him he could but he would have Beetee and Wiress to deal with if he did. My surrogate parents would not be too pleased seeing me with Finnick. And if Tiffy found out she would have a fit. I chuckled just at the thought of her angry again.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Hiya, so I am truly trying to get better at updating this thing regularly. And if anyone has managed to read with so far, i really hope you like it, and maybe you could leave a review, doesnt even have to be long just like something to let me know you're there?

* * *

We passed the time cooking, and in the lab, I even decided I needed a hobby while I was home. I could no longer go see my friends. Everyone in the district knew my face, so there was no way I could steal again. It made me a little annoyed, it was all I had ever been good at. Besides murder of course.

But I decided I needed a hobby to pass the time. I had not noticed how much free time we had last year. I was too busy being traumatised after all.

I had already tried a lot of things, but they all ended disastrously. I had tried music, but I was apparently as tone-deaf as you could get. I tried drawing, but my hand hurt quickly and I was no good at that either.

Wiress tried to teach me to knit and sow, but I was hopeless at that too. Beetee had laughed at me when he had seen the mess I had made out of Wiress' yarn.

You would think that someone who used to pickpocket would be excellent with their hands but that was apparently not the case with me.

I finally gave up, until Wiress threw a book of hobbies my way and told me to find one. I felt like a real teenager as I started going over the list of things.

I finally decided that this was stupid. I might as well just go to our town gym and take my mind of things. I had tried to get better at throwing knives and archery. When I could not pick pocket I would have to try other things.

As I got home from the gym my body ached, but at least I was no longer bored. When Finnick called we talked for a while and I told him all about what had happened that day. He was happy for me, sadly he had to go quickly afterwards, the capitol called.

I felt a wave of sadness go through me as I heard him say so on the other side. I could feel his pain but I could not make it better, no matter how much I wanted to.

* * *

After a few months, everything just fell into a rutine, and it just worked. I was still happiest on the days where I would get a letter from the boys. I loved reading about their adventures, though I could feel my heart strings tuck a little. Knowing how much I wanted to be apart of their life again. I would give this big stupid house up in a heartbeat. If it meant I could go back for just a day. Where everything was like it used to. I would eat breakfast at Loke's have to fight my way to the bathroom with a bunch of rowdy boys. I would go out to the streets with my best friends, we would steal from everyone we saw. Joke around, do everything we used to.

I was tired of being in this big empty house. But Wiress though I loved her, wanted to be alone in her garden. And Beetee wanted alone time in the lab so he could actually focus.

I was almost looking forward to going to the stupid victors ball. Just because it meant I would be able to hang out with people again.

The victory tour came to our district and I put on a nice outfit and put my hair up. Not out of want, but mostly I just did not feel like being scolded my Tiffy once again. I went to the townhall, and helped celebrate the poor boy. Well not poor literally, he seemed a little too happy to have won. I had no idea how this district 1 tributes were so cold hearted. Or maybe they just did not show it.

I was now even more thankful that Finnick had called me last night with a heads up. I was polite and wanted to show off my best behaviour. He was young and naive, and was probably having as many nightterrors as the rest of us. We ate dinner with him and his mentors, which was unpleasant to say the least, but I kept quiet and put on a smile none the less. I called Finnick as soon as it was over to get frustrations about this kid out. I could feel him smile through the phone and I was glad that my frustrations at least amused someone.

The victors ball was pretty uneventful. I was dressed in a hideous dress this year. I missed Cinna a lot, but I understood why he was banned from being a stylist. He had done a great job, making me the winner, which Snow was clearly not happy with. I had made too many mistakes for him to be able to style me. This new stylist was from the capitol born and bred. She had put me in a hideous and puffy orange dress. The orange in the dressed matched my hair a little too well, making me look like an explosion of orange. The dress had no straps so I spent the entire evening pulling it up, so I would not show off more skin than I was comfortable with. And it was so puffy I felt like a cupcake. And the fact tha my also orange and unruly curls was on top of it, made me feel like one big puff. I hated it to say the least. The moment I knew it was horrible was when Tiffy walked in and squealed about how we would all match. Beetee and Wiress were in nice and muted suit and dress. I sulked when I saw how normal and good they looked. She had also put me in heels. Everything about this outfit was hell, but I was in no position to complain. I literally could not raise my voice in this particular company, I just put on a fake smile, that anyone could see from a mile away was not real.

We walked in and I was bombarded by capitolians who loved my outfit and how much they loved my alarm system. I smirked a little knowing there was an override and I could break into all of their houses in a heartbeat.

I kept my mouth shut and drank some champagne. I danced with Beetee, he let me stand on his feet and guided me. I danced with Haymitch, who was way too drunk to be leading, but it did not mean I was not having fun. He slurred all sorts of idiotic things that I laughed along with. But in this company I tried to suppress it. God forbid they figured out what my real happy face looked like. They would figure out that I was faking it all. I also tried to hide how scared I truly was. He was probably going to invite me to make the offer soon. I could see by the way he looked at me. I hated how he looked at me.

When I was finally free I walked over and hung around with Wiress as everyone slowly arrived. I made eye contact with Finnick as he walked in with Mags. He looked stunning as well, making me glare at my stylist once again. I smiled at him and he gave me a small wink before being dragged off to the mercy of the capitolians.

Finally Augustus, this years victor arrived. We listened to a speech by Snow thanking us all for being here, and how we all represented the best of the districts. Even mentioned how we had a responsibility to serve the capitol. I felt anger boil in me knowing exactly how he wanted me to serve the capitol.

I also danced with the newest victor, who seemed way too eager to dance with me, and spun me around too much. He was arrogant and smelled liked he had bathed in cologne. I hated it all. But I kept a small smile on my face entertaining like the good little marionette doll that I was.

I was happy when the music started a new song and I could excuse myself. He was none too pleased but I was only doing this as a formality. As soon as we were out of eyesight I would not have anything to do with that boy. I was even happy to talk fashion with the capitolians, because it meant I was that much closer to us leaving for a real party. Sadly they all started raving about how marvellous Finnick looked and how they all wanted to dance with him. Suddenly their attention turned back to me.

"Oh my, you two have hung out, he must be such charming company." A capitolian said looking at me and I could feel my eyes widening, this was a weird line of questioning and I had no idea what to say to any of this.

"Oh hush Pertunia, Nova needs a real man, what about that Augustus, he sure is handsome and those strong arms. And I saw the way he looked at you when you were dancing. That would be a great match, I can feel it." The other women practically squealed, I was fighting the urge to cringe.

"Which one do you think is best Nova?" Pertunia said looking directly at me, I could feel my mouth open in shock and confusion about this question. How was that all they could think about?

"Uhm." I never got to answer because Tiffy walked over to us and cut me.

"Hush girls. Nova could never fancy someone like Finnick, sure he is handsome, but he is such a player. She can do much better than that." She said and I smirked feeling a little proud of her, but also because I knew how that was only half the truth, and she whole heartedly believed this image that Finnick had created for himself. Speaking of the sun, he suddenly tabbed my shoulder asking for a dance.

The two capitolian women gasped and Pertunia pushed me forward to get me to say yes. By the sound of their squeals this was better than a hunger game for them. Tiffy stepped in again, this time to my dismay.

"Absolutely not Finnick. I have hear all the rumours about you, you will not hurt our sweet little Nova! She can do much better than you. Well if she started dressing nicer." She said sternly before mumbling the last part.

"Oh hush Tiffy, it is just a dance. Sure Finnick." I said smirking confidently from Tiffy to the capitolians before taking Finnick's hand he smirked at me.

He guided me to the dance floor and twirled me around smiling at me.

"So you gonna step me again this year, or do my foot live to walk another day?" He said jokingly and I rolled my eyes at him and then smiled a little.

"Depends on how well you behave." I said and he chuckled twirling me again making me laugh a little.

"We should be careful though, those two capitolians you were talking to are editors for the gossip magazines. You should never tell them anything." He said and I nodded.

"Good to know. Too bad I already spilled the beans. Now my mysterious bad boy image is ruined!" I fake complained making him laugh once again, I smiled seeing him genuinely happy as we continued to dance to the music, but from one moment to the other I could feel his mood change.

"I am sick of this party already, wanna get outta here?" He asked looking me in the eyes and I sighed and nodded.

"Can we? It isn't too early?" I asked, I wanted to leave with him very badly, hell I think I would probably follow him anywhere at the moment.

"It shouldn't be, but I don't care right now. I can't take all of them starring at me right now." He said and I nodded understanding. I caressed his hand carefully trying to comfort him.

"Okay. Let's meet outside in 10 minutes. We can't leave together that would be too suspicious." I said and he nodded and twirled me one last time before leaving the dancefloor.

I looked after him sadly, mostly I could feel how anxious he had gotten. I wanted to help and comfort him, help him like he had helped me. But I knew the both of us together could never get out of there together. I found Wiress and explained what was happening and she nodded understandingly. She hugged me and told me that we would meet at the afterparty and to be. I knew she wanted to say careful but she had problems finishing her sentences sometimes. I smiled and nodded knowing what she meant.

I squeezed her shoulder letting her know I understood what she meant and appreciated it.

I hurried outside again and saw Finnick looking pretty upset, and I just took his hand and guided him out of there into the city. I had no idea where we were going, thankfully everyone was at parties celebrating the end of the games, so most of the streets were empty. We walked as I tried to guide us to somewhere calm where we could talk freely and relax.

Finally we walked to a river that seemed to lie in a deserted part of town in between the training center and Snows house. I stopped and sat Finnick down I had felt him hyperventilate for a while, especially as we walked through a crowd. But I could do nothing but get him out of there. I hugged him and tried to slowly comfort him telling him that we were safe now and everything was gonna be okay. I knew neither of those things were gonna be true for the rest of our lives. But I wanted to see him smile again and it was the only thing I could think of to tell him. I wished so desperately for it to be true. I wanted him to believe this, if even just for a moment.

"It's gonna be okay Finnick. We are gonna get through this." I said trying to calm him down, just like he had done for me last year. I put his head between my palms and slowly lifted his head putting my forehead to his. I wanted him to know he was safe with me. He pulled away and I sighed by the loss of his heat.

"You don't believe that. You know that is not true. Those things you say to the media not me. We both know nothing in this place is okay. I just saw a few women I had been forced to be with and I lost it. I can't do this. I lied to you last year, none of this is okay!" He yelled pacing and I could see how he was slowly falling apart.

"I am sorry Finn. I know this life is horrible, and I haven't even experienced that part of it yet. I feel like sh*t all of the time! The only days I feel okay are the days I feel noting. Because in this life feeling nothing is better than something. Because something comes with the realisation that you killed people, for sport!" I yelled at him, I was as angry, and frustrated as him. However after those words had left my lips, I calmed down and I walked slowly over to him. I sat down beside him on the bench where he was hunched over.

I had no idea what to do, everything was so messed up. Nothing we ever did was ever going to safe us from all of this. All we had to do was survive and hope to eventually retire. I had no idea what to say, so instead I slowly put my hand in his. Not a lot, I just put it on top of his hand and then slid my fingers into his palm. It was a small gesture but it was all I could think of.

"I am not going to sugar coat it. I am terrible at comforting people." I said not looking at him, just holding his hand, trying to think of something to say. Some words that could somehow comfort him. Make his situation a little less bad.

"I guess. It's okay to be upset and let that shit out sometimes. Or else, you know, all that sh*t will build up inside of you. And then it will probably explode, into a proper sh*tstorm. Your sh*t will be everywhere. And no one wants that." I said the words just flying out of me, I knew they were immature, and probably the most stupid thing he had ever heard. But it was all I could think of at the moment.

I finally had the guts to look at Finnick who was smiling at me with that dumb grin he had sometimes. He had this dumb look in his eyes, like I had just recited the most beautiful poetry in the world, yet all I had done was say the word sh*t a lot. We locked eyes for a moment and then I could not help it, I started laughing. He did too, we sat there for a few moments, just laughing our little hearts out. At how dumb I had just sounded. We finally stopped and I looked him with a smile.

"That is the worst inspirational speech I have ever heard." He said and I rolled my eyes at him in annoyance.

"And here I tried to do something nice." I said and he chuckled.

"But thank you, just how terrible that was, did take my mind of how terrible the rest of my life is." He said and I smiled at him.

I felt both a little cold and warm, I suddenly realised I no longer needed to hold his hand. But I wanted to continue to do so. I wanted to hold on to this feeling for as long as I could.

I just looked over at Finnick with a small smile.

"So what now?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Wanna run away together?" He asked and I chuckled and nodded.

"With you? Always." I said and he smiled at me.

We sat for a moment just looking at each other smiling. I was happy, when I was with him, I did not feel nothing. But I also did not feel the sadness I had otherwise gotten used to. I felt happy.

"We should probably head back though. Or Beetee might kill you." I said after we had spent what felt like forever in this trance. One I would love to stay in, but one I knew we could not stay in.

"Can we just stay here for a moment, act like everything is horrible. Just a little while longer?" He asked almost pleading like a child, and I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Okay, we can stay a little while longer." I said and he smiled as I looked at him.

I kept my hand in his, it was getting a little hot, but I did not want to let go, not yet. I looked away and put my head on his shoulder. He put his on top of mine and sighed. I wanted to stay here forever.

* * *

We both knew we could not stay there forever. We had to go back or the peacekeepers would come looking for us. We were too important to be out like this for too long on our own.

I slowly lifted my head from Finnick's shoulder knowing we had to go back. No matter how much I wanted to just stay here.

I got up still holding his hand, this time a bit more extended as though I was gonna pull him up.

He sighed but got up from the bench we were sitting on and I was not letting go of his hand. Not yet, but I did however start walking back towards the city, out of this park.

We were almost at the edge, you could hear the city but you could not see it yet. I was not eager to return to the others, but I knew we could not run away from it all forever.

However Finnick pulled lightly on our tangled hands making me stop in my step and turn around to face him.

"Finnick, I don't like it anymore than you do, but we need to go back." I said sadly and he nodded and looked at me sadly.

"I just, I just needed this feeling to last a little bit longer." He said vulnerable. I understood. Completely, I wanted this feeling to last as well.

He slowly pulled me closer to him and I hugged him tightly, not wanting the misery of our real lives overshadow what was here right now. He put a hand on either side of my cheek and gently lifted my head to face him. I inhaled sharply, being this close to him was both comforting and nerve-racking at the same time. He put his forehead against mine, and I closed my eyes just enjoying having him near.

I could feel his shallow breathing on my face but I did not mind. It meant that he was here, and for the time being, that was enough.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Sorry I havent updated in a while, I have just been super beat from exams, but I am back now. :)

* * *

We pulled apart and walked back to join the other tributes. For the night, everything seemed like it was gonna be al right. I had fun, I danced with a drunk Haymitch, and hung out with the other tributes. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood. I had no idea what had brought about this, there was almost always something weighing us tributes down. Guilt, trauma or something else. But right now everyone seemed so happy. I never wanted the night to end.

I was feeling free, and talking with Wiress when Finnick came up behind me.

"Hi." He said with a small smile. I excused myself from Wiress who just nodded and then turned to look at Finn confused.

"Hi?" I said and he took my hand spinning me around.

"I hate your dress." He said and I could hear he was also a little drunk, but I did not care. I just chuckled and nodded.

"Me too. Whose idea was it to pair orange with orange?" I said laughing a little and he did as well, as we danced he slowly pulled me into him.

"Luckily, you look beautiful no matter how bad your dress is." He said looking in my eyes. I shook my head and pushed his shoulder lightly.

"Calm down charmer." I said and he looked at me seriously.

"I am serious. You do look beautiful." He said stopping dead in his tracks to look at me, to show that he was serious. I looked at him confused.

"You're drunk." I said shaking myself out of the stunned state I was in. He rolled his head back slightly in annoyance.

"Maybe so. But would that be so bad?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Depends on whether you'll regret something afterwards." I said and he smiled.

"Never." He said with a smile putting both his hands on my face and looking me in the eyes as he said it.

After a moment he took my hand and let me out of the room. I let him, I had no idea why? Maybe it was the alcohol I had drunk, or some gut feeling.

Suddenly I had this feeling take over me. Like something possessed me or something. But for a moment I knew I wanted something so much it burned. We only got to the hallway before I stopped Finnick and looked up at him with a small smile.

"You're drunk too. Careful not to do anything you'll regret." He said using my words against me with this annoying drunk smirk that I felt like wiping off his face.

I rolled my eyes at him but then when I looked back at him he was still there, waiting for me to look back at him. I felt this force take over me, maybe it was primal. But I pushed Finnick gently till his back gently hit a wall. I followed him and stood directly in front of him and paused for a moment to looked at him. He looked at me a little surprised but still happy that I was there.

"Don't make me regret it then." I said defiantly.

He smiled at me a little confused but I put my hand behind his neck. I paused for a moment to look at him to make sure that he was okay. Before pulling him gently downwards along with standing on my toes. I closed my eyes and let his lips meet mine. They were very different from Charlies. I could feel this weird feeling in my stomach. I could feel fireworks go off inside my head and his hands that slowly fumbled his way unto my lower back. Everything he touched burned in the best way. All I wanted was him nearer I pulled him closer, so close that we could not stand closer to each other. But it was not enough, I wanted more.

Some primal monster had been awakened in me moments before and now it seemed to be let loose. It wanted one thing and one thing only.

Finnick.

* * *

We eventually broke apart, he looked at me and laughed I could not help but laugh too. I had no idea what was actually funny, but here we were laughing. He gave me one more kiss before just looking into my eyes for a moment. I looked at him a little curiously because he seemed to look at me like I had the secrets to the universe. I did smile as I looked at him.

"We should probably head back inside." I said after a few moments of us just looking at each other.

Not really letting go, but I knew we had too. We had to let go and go back inside, this night had been wonderful and almost like a fantasy. But as much as I wanted to stay there forever with him, I knew that that could not happen. We had other people we cared about and who cared about us who needed us. No matter how much I wanted to be there for the rest of my life. For those moments I felt like I was free, like I was flying amongst the stars. But I knew we were needed down here on earth, so we needed to let go.

He looked at me and sighed but just kept holding onto me.

"Not yet, they can wait a little bit longer." He said slowly.

I knew we had responsibilities, I had just convinced myself that we needed to take care of those responsibilities. Yet those few words from him was all it took to convince me, so we stayed there, together, holding each other. No words escaped our mouths but so much was said.

We did eventually go back inside, holding hands, the last testament to what had happened. And it was our small rebellion, our will or inability to let go of what had just happened.

I wanted this to last forever, because for an entire night with Finnick, I had forgotten about the horrors we had endured, the horrors that was yet to come was out of mind, and for a small moment, I was truly, deeply,

Happy.

* * *

That is the thing about being a tribute, when things are good, things are truly great. They are the most wonderful experiences. On the other hand when things are bad, they are horrors otherwise unimaginable.

I did not remember going to bed, I only remembered how happy I was. How for a moment everything was perfect. I thought back to this as I sat in a white room. It was still making me uneasy, everything was so white, and clean. Not even the glass had as much as a smudge on it. It was too much, this was all too much. Too clean, too perfect. It was slowly driving me insane. I tried to focus back on last night, how everything was still good. Where things were perfect but not because they were perfectly neat, because they were perfectly messy. Nothing here was messy. I felt out of place and on edge.

I was biting my nails on my left hand, a bad habit I had picked up. My nails were worn down, I had been scolded by my stylists and had fakes put on last night. Now those were off, and my worndown and short chappy nails were back.

I was biting them out of habit and just in the need to try and focus on anything else. The white was almost as bad as the stench of roses that plagued everything in this room. Everything was too much or too little.

I also knew why I was here, what was about to happen and the choice I was faced with.

The choice of being sold as the slave I almost already was to the capitol, to maybe save my friends.

Or

Keep my freedom but take their lives.

It was truly an impossible choice.

So here I was hating how clean this room was, I had shortened my breath to avoid the rosy smell, and biting my nails. And I was just sitting there, waiting to be faced with an impossible choice, alone.

I was taken out of my trance when an avox opened the door and nodding at me. The dread however did not leave me for one second. In a big blur of bad emotions I got up from my seat in the foye and walked into the chamber where my life would change for the worse, one way or another.

* * *

"Nova, glad you could come in today. You and Finnick seemed to disappear from the party so early last night." He said the venom clear in his voice, he was unhappy already, I knew this. That is why I could not imagine that he would spare Charlie or Dodger even if I had cut off all contact to them.

I just gave him a polite smile and sat down in front of him.

"Sorry about that. Finnick wanted a word with me in private." I said coldly, trying to at least cover the nervousness in my voice. He gave me a small smile and a nod. I then heard the door close behind me.

I was alone in another steril room, with a man that could take everything from me with the flick of his hand. Yet I looked at him on the other end of the desk, ready to hear a literal proposal from the devil.

"Now Nova, as you have probably heard, the capitol do love its victors. They simply cannot get enough of you victors." He said and paused to look at me. There was a moment where he expected me to talk but I stayed silent looking at him as defiantly as I could trying to mask how truly scared I was of the man in front of me.

"Your time is very valuable, I would like you to give your time and provide services for us here in the capitol. Otherwise I do know who and where your friends are. We would not want anything _bad_ to happen to them would we now?" He said looking me dead in the eyes, I breathed out the breath I had been holding.

I knew I should be thinking right now, but my mind was completely blank in the moment. All I could feel was uneasy. There was a pit in my stomach and a clump in my throat. Yet there I was starring at a man who could ruin my life in a heartbeat, and I could not for the life of me say anything. My mind was screaming at me to just say or do anything. Right now I was silently killing my friends.

Yet I stayed silent.

"What do you say? Would you _provide_ services for the capitol?" He said getting impatient with me.

I finally managed to swallow the lump in my throat.

"Yes."

I did not even think, I had had no idea what I was gonna do, but I heard myself say yes without even thinking. I had done something at least.

He smiled at me with a smile I knew could never be good and then stood up letting me know the meeting was done.

"I am very glad to hear that Nova. I imagine Charlie and Dodger will be as well." He said walking me to the door with a smile.

A smile that told me how happy he was now knowing that he owned me. Every part of me. That I was effectively cooperating and playing by his rules. Now he held all of my cards and it terrified me. But what was done was done. And I could only get up and follow him to the door.

"You will hear from me shortly." He said after this pause as he opened the door and smiled at me.

I slowly walked out the door and only seconds after I was out of his office the door closed behind me. I jumped in shock of the door and almost like it had woken me up from the trance I had just been in.

Suddenly I was hit with a wave of different emotions. I had just sold my self to the capitol. I would now be his whore and have to abide by the capitols every need. I could see Charlie and Dodger again but at what cost?

It was my impossible choice, and I had chosen their happiness over mine.

I was now a slave to the capitol, I had signed off my soul to the devil and there was no more I could do to escape this. This was my life now. I would have to live with this until I was too old for them to want me anymore. I stood there alone for a moment feeling like I had just given up my entire life in minutes without even thinking about it.

I slowly gathered myself and walked to the car waiting for me. The drive back happened in a blur as I got ready to tell the others.

I did not even remember the walk up to the penthouse I just walked in to see Beetee and Wiress waiting for me. Tiffy was there as well and looked at me annoyed.

"Why on earth weren't you at breakfast young lady?" She said but I barely heard what she said, her comment was completely lost on me. She had no idea what was going on clearly.

"And why do you look so pale my dear? You look like you have seen a ghost." She followed up.

I finally managed to look at her. She looked at me confused, like she was only now seeing how broken I was right now. I just slowly dragged my feet across the floor over to Beetee and Wiress who both looked at me kindly but concerned. They knew exactly where I went this morning, and knew how much I had struggled with this.

As I finally stopped I stood directly in front of them, the lump in my throat was back.

"So?" Wiress finally said gently. I just shook my head and tried to get my emotions under control for just a moment to tell them how I just sold myself away to them.

"I…" I managed to get out before the tears welled up in my eyes. But just then I thought of the boys and I did manage to gather my emotions up for just a moment, afraid that if I said it out loud it would become real.

"I said yes." I finally managed to get out, it was like it finally sunk in then and there, the look of shock and sadness on my behalf on their faces was enough to push me over the edge. I feared I had made a huge mistake but there was nothing I could do now. I was trapped, the devils contract was signed and I could not back down now.

I started sobbing and crying as they both pulled me in for a hug and just let me cry the decision I had just made truly sinking in.

"I just said yes, I didn't even think about it. I couldn't think and I just said yes." I said in-between sobs.

We stood there for a while as I cried and they hugged me. They both understood how much this choice meant, and the consequences that followed with this choice.

When I was finally cried out they pulled away and looked at me.

"It will be alright Nova. We are still here for you." Beetee said with a small comforting smile.

And for a moment it did comfort me, until I remembered I still had to tell Finnick. And then when we got home later tonight I would have to tell the boys. Well if I got to go home. I would have to come here to please capitolians who bought me.

We finally walked over to the table again with Tiffy still sitting there a little sour still not understanding the situation.

"Well, I am sorry that something upset you, but that is no excuse to miss breakfast." She said and I rolled my eyes.

Sometimes Tiffy did have her moments where I appreciated her, but it was times like this that I was reminded how truly ignorant the capitolians truly were to what we experienced.

I wanted to yell at her, to tell her exactly why I was upset but Beetee gave me a stern look that told me to hold my tongue, and so I did.

* * *

Later I was upstairs knocking on Finnicks door. Mags had let me in and given me a small hug seeing my red eyes from earlier. But she quickly let me go to him, just giving me a small comfort telling me that he lived with it pretty well.

I was knocking on his door and then he opened it. At first he seemed happy to see me and knew what had probably happened. He let me inside and gave me a small hug telling me first that it was gonna be okay. He sat me down on the edge of his bed. The smell in this room almost calmed me down, it was familiar and I noted him wearing the bracelet I had given him. But I could not truly focus on that, I just had to tell him how I had repeated his mistake even though he had repeatedly warned me against it.

I sat in front of me holding my hands and looking at me concerned.

"So? What did you do?" He asked slowly looking scared on my behalf. I understood, why he felt this way, but I was scared as well, scared to tell him.

"I'm so sorry Finn." I started tears welling up in my eyes.

He looked at me concerned and reading this, I knew he had figured out what I had done I started crying as soon as I saw his face he was hurt. I understood, I would be as well if someone I cared about had just sold themselves even though I had repeatedly warned them against it.

"Damn it Nova." He said and I also heard some anger in his voice. I hoped it was not as much with me as my choice and the situaiton I was in.

"You have just made the biggest mistake of your life. Do you know that?" He said sad and almost disappointed in me.

"I couldn't let them die." I said consumed with sadness of the situation I was in.

"I thought the same! And my family was still killed! He doesn't care that you said yes, he will kill them the next time you do something wrong anyway! Why would you do this?" He said upset.

"I don't know. I couldn't think. And I just…" I mumbled and he looked at me actually angry.

"You didn't even think? You just made the biggest mistake of your life and you didn't even think about it. Maybe you wouldn't always be such a mess if you thought longer than to your own nosetip." He said not truly angry, I understood where he was coming from, I had sort of betrayed him. He was also probably projecting his own regret and anger about his own choice onto me. But I did not think about that, I just got angry in return.

"You made the same choice! How can you shame me for not thinking, when you did the exact same thing?" I yelled standing up and facing him.

"And I have spent the rest of my life since that time regretting that choice! You know I spent so much time with you thinking you were smart and wonderful, but this is the dumbest thing yet. You don't even have a real family to lose!" He yelled and that was the nail in the coffin for me. I stood right in front of him and looked him dead in the eyes. I still see the anger on his face but I also noticed how he knew he should not just have said that.

"Well Finnick. You said it yourself, you family was killed anyways. So how would you know?" I said I regret saying it knowing it hurt him, but at that moment I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain that I was currently feeling.

With that I left him room and left him standing there stunned and having to process everything that just happened. Just like I was trying to do, as I walked away from him and everything he had said. It is not like I did not know that the things he said were true. I just could not accept that fact in the moment.

I walked out and Mags stood there looking at me sadly, she pulled me into a short hug.

"He will come around don't worry. He just wanted you to have a better life than he does." She said and I nodded on her shoulder knowing she was telling the truth.

I gave her a small smile before I left, trying to tell her that everything would be okay. That we would be okay.

But we would be anything but okay.


End file.
